Friday, 3 April 2009

You know you're a hillbilly when...

... you have to shave your legs because you're going to the doctor.

Correction. You know you're a hillbilly when you wouldn't really shave if you knew he wouldn't have to actually look at your legs.
I'm just saying.

But, this time round, I was actually going to Doc because I suspected I had broken my foot in my haste to reach the bathroom. Because I always leave it to the last minute, then spend the last few steps to the ladies room doing a hoppity skippity doo-daa dance.
This particular trip to the bathroom was more of a trip than a skip.
And ended with the sound of crunching bones and much wailing.
Never let it be said that I'm a hyperchondriac, people. I went three and a half weeks, hobbling around the house with my right foot bandaged and smelling of Wicks Bubblegum, mumbling to myself on account of a few handfulls of painkillers daily. And then I happened to connect with a hole in the driveway on the same day I stopped wearing my bandage.
Which is never good if you're hoping to hit the malls.

Only then did I decide it was time to see Doc.
Off I dash to the bathroom to quickly shave my legs and de-grit my toenails. You know. So that the doc won't actually know I'm a hillbilly. Robin shouts a question or two through the bathroom door while I'm shaving that tricky bit around my ankle, and I kinda lose track of where I'm at. Rinse rinse. Rub some lotion into the dry-shaved leg, so I won't look like a CROCODILE in addition to being a hillbilly. And off we go.
When we arrived at the doc's and I told him my sad tale of toe woe, he immediately ordered me up onto the bed to inspect my foot. But, alas, doc didn't only want to see my injured foot... He rolled up BOTH denims to around my knees and compared the two.
Between his surprise at the difference between a very red, itchy, dry-shaved-and-therefore-rashy looking leg and a very white very hairy leg and his attempt to conceal his laughter, it was kind of hard to make out his diagnosis. Here and there I heard the words "Xray" and "immediately" and "painkillers". He didn't have to tell me twice. We were in the radiology department before he could say Pietpompies!
Lessons I learnt from the experience:-
  1. Never shave only ONE leg.
  2. But if you are forced into shaving only one, then don't DRY shave the leg.
  3. And definitely don't put cream onto the leg immediately afterwards, unless red, itchy and spotty is the look you're going for.
  4. Never get excited at the Xray technician's diagnosis of "oh, there was definitely a crack there a few weeks ago, but I can see it's healed a bit already" and get all huffity puffity and say under your breath loudly enough to ensure hubby hears it that "I KNEW IT! and I told you so! but you all think I'm always exaggerating!"... until the REAL doctor gets a look at the xrays and tells you "there was never a crack there in the first place and you shouldn't listen to a TECHNICIAN's diagnosis seeing as he isn't a real doctor and all." Unless you enjoy lunching on Humble Pie. For a few days. While still nursing a bruised ego foot.


Jo said...

O My word that's sooo! I mean I'm not laughing at your pain, just the whole story. We have really low ceilings upstairs and you'd think that after living here for 5 months I would be used to it so every time I bump my head Brad gets really annoyed with me .. I've now gotten to the stage where last week I bumped my head really hard, (egg to prove) and didn't dare to tell him about it. Hope your foot gets better, careful over the "bolders|" in Sedaven

Geoff and Caron said...

Pee-tee you didn't go for that wee wee when you first felt the need. That way you would have avoided the whole sit-toe-ation!!!

Hee hee hee!

Kelly said...

Sorry about your foot. But, I can't imagine just shaving one leg!?!?!? LOL.

Thanks for the laugh! Hope you get better soon.

bonzobuddybear said...

LOL. Maybe the leg shave thing isn't just from being a hillbilly. You could always blame it on being a genuine mommy!

Natalie said...

Another SAfrican who blogs about adoption! Yay!

Will definitely be back...just found you!

You are SO funny!!!!!