How far we've come!

I sometimes forget just how far we have come, from even just a year and a half ago, to this day. I might get frustrated at Jess and seriously consider growling at her, or I get annoyed when I need to climb out of bed four or five times at night to see to her... and then I was reminded of how badly my heart ached to be able to do these things... to feel a little hand pulling at my jeans, or see those little lips puckered up for a smooch just from me! And I can kick myself for even getting slightly annoyed! Allow me to share an excerpt (or fifty) with you, from my prayer journal.

25 October 2006

Dear Father in Heaven, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit,

I don't know what to say, but please forgive me. I have been (indirectly) SO angry at You again, that You didn't intervene and allow me to have Jodi-Lee. But at the same time I've been asking You to help me to trust You. I've been struggling, Lord. But You haven't left my side. I've been trying to trust You through it all, but on my own steam, when I really needed to be crouching at Your feet in submission and begging Your intervention and grace. My heart has been in rebellion to You. but You are SO gracious and kind - selfless - that You laid down EVERYTHING to redeem me at great cost - Your own blood! - How can I then rebel against You for not intervening in this one aspect for me? O God, thank You for teaching me that "the glory that shines from Jesus' face is the glory of selfless love. [Your] sacrifice on Calvary shows that the law of selfless love is the law of life for earth and heaven. This selfless love comes straight from the heart of God." {from the book called 'Messiah' chapter 1} So, when I am selfish it is because I am not activated by YOUR heart and spirit. If you live in me, selflessness will be my natural tendency. Oh God, please come and live in me again! Please may I be led of Your Spirit and be living in Your presence and freely give my rebellious heart's desires and trust You selflessless with that which I desire more than anything in this world: a baby. Please God, I am so tired of hurting with this. I just want to give it to You once and for all and experience peace in the certainty that You know what You're doing. After all, You are GOD! There is no higher authority! Oh God, pleeeeeeeeez: make me Yours. Please help me to surrender daily and so to love and trust You more every day. Please God, because this is what You desire for me. And because this is exactly what Jesus died to accomplish. A renewed trusting relationship with me. And please, Lord, let it begin NOW.

In Jesus name,

amen.

December 2006

Dear Father in Heaven

What an amazing God You are, and for so long I have lost sight of it. I just want to praise You for helping me through this week. I have FINALLY given up on trying to be pregnant and what a relief it has been for me. You are teaching me what it means to trust You again. Please Lord, don't stop now. You know what You're doing. You know what's best and help me to keep remembering that. Thank You so much!

Amen

26 June 2007

Lord God,

It's astounded me that it has been more than six months since I last wrote in my prayer journal! It is also six months since we stopped trying to get pregnant. Has it also been six months since I last trusted You with my heart's desire??? Has it been six months since I lost myself in You, or has it been even longer?

This has been the hardest time of our lives and I wonder if maybe that's because I didn't really have You in it? You must be so sick and tired of hearing me rededicate my life to You. But I honestly don't know what else to do! I don't know the right way anymore and I can't trust myself to stick by it. Instead, I simply need You in my life, Lord Jesus. I need to know You, so that I will remember how to love You and trust You again. It has been years of this now... I look back in my prayer journal and I am ashamed. I am embarrassed at the monotony of it and that I haven't allowed You the space to work in me. O God, please forgive me! Help me to start anew with You. I really need You leading me. All my efforts have been futile and yet You have remained faithful. You have lifted me up on my weakest days and carried me. And more importantly, You have sustained my life up until now, so that I would have this opportunity to repent. What an awesome God You are!!! You are amazing. Thank You Father in heaven. Thank You for this opportunity to start again. I am so grateful. Please take this gratitude and allow it to grow into Love for You and trust. I want to be saved by You. You have promised that You began a good work in me and that You will be faithful to complete it. Please Lord, would you restart the "factory" again in me, reproducing Your likeness in me. I want my heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh.

For Your glory, Lord!

amen

25 Jan 2008

Lord Jesus,

Perhaps the solution to my see-saw devotions is to stop looking back and to just focus on what You have done for me, today, and to not put pressure on myself for the future? What do You think? Because I seriously don't trust myself to stay devoted to You! On the contrary - YOU never change! Your feelings toward me haven't changed. You died for me already 2000 years before I was even born! How incredible of You! You know the awful path I am bent on and You know where it's leading me. I am so inconsistent! It's always either fervor or failure with me, isn't it? Where is the happy medium? Although, now, when I think of it, that would be lukewarm, wouldn't it? And You've already told us that conclusion. So Lord, all I can do is fall on You, the Rock, and be broken. I am already broken, Lord. This body of mine don't work too good! :o) It's only You who can piece me back together again.

So, help!

Please Lord!

amen

17 March 2008

Father in Heaven

Sometimes I wonder what Your plan is for me. I am trying to trust You. My head tells me that You are God and that You know what You are doing. So I should trust You. But my heart is still breaking! Every baby I see is a fresh reminder. I feel a bit shattered, Jesus. I am REALLY struggling with this again. Where is the baby for us??? What is Your plan??? Whta must we do? It feels as if everything we do gets a green light, but then it just falls through as we move forward. What must we do? Is it just to trust You? I must admit, that is one of the hardest things! Please God, help me to trust You then. If that is all You require, I am going to need Your help with that. Because I am failing dismally. Lord Jesus, please intercede for us and for me in God's throne room! Holy Spirit - I so need You! Without You, this is all hopeless!

Otherwise there's nothing left in this life for me!

amen

27 March 2008

Dear Father in Heaven

The way You are opening doors for us to become adoptive parents just astounds and excites me!!! Oh God, how awesome You are!!! You ask - will I still be faithful to You if You didn't do this for me... I want to answer 'yes' because that's what I have tried to do in these last six or seven years, when we made no progress in the babymaking department. You know how my very heart cried out to You in anguish. You saw me. You still do. And, o God, will this time be You answering 'Yes' ? I pray it is. Oh God, grant Robin and I a family to love. Please Jesus! You created us and told us to have children. Why would You then withold the very thing You have commanded? Especially when miracles are Your specialty? Lord God in heaven, please will You open the doors for us? I already have my heart set on this little baby! But Father, You know the future. Please Lord, if THIS is the baby for US, please let the birthmom sign the consent forms. We have hurt so much in this journey! Lord Jesus, You heart Rachel's prayer and opened her womb. You heard Hannah's prayer too. You heard Abraham and Sarah. Hear me now, Lord. Please. This is my prayer. I know You CAN! But will You? Please Lord, do! And God, I really want to mean this: Your will, not mine.

Help me to mean it?

Amen

28 March 2008

Dear Lord God

I am so excited about the possibilities for us and for the meeting on Tuesday. O Lord I am like a stuck record! But Lord, can I hide anything from You? No. You see my need. You know that we would teach our child(ren) about You. And so, God, please grant us children to love. Fill our home with them so that we can lead them to YOu and so that we will also finally understand the kind of Fatherly love You have for us. How else could we realize the magnificent power of unconditional love?

Amen

9 April 2008

Lord God

Thank You so much for leading and guiding. I want to praise Your holy name. You are eternal, everlasting, all-knowing, all-powerful. You are love. You invented happiness and peace. Without You, that is impossible.
I have read of Your character this morning in Psalm 102. It tells of Your Godness. And then it says in verse 17: "I know that You will respond to the pleas of Your people and that You will not let their prayers go unanswered." Father in Heaven, I know You have heard the pleas of Your people crying out on our behalf. You hear them. You see the birthmom and her unborn child. You know that baby's character. You knit her together in her birthmom's womb. You are the Creator and Giver of Life. Is this the baby for us? Would Y ou give us this little life to love and nurture?

I promise (not as a bargaining tactic) that if You do, o Lord, "What You do will be written down (by me on my blog) for coming generations, and people...will read it and praise You for it." Psalms 102 v 18 with my words in brackets.

For Your glory, Lord Jesus, Father and Holy
Spirit!

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10 April 2008

Father in Heaven

I am growing to love our time together every morning. Thank You for giving me another day, Lord Jesus. You give me the ability to get out of bed every morning and You fill me with peace. It is Your peace, Lord, which has made me calm as we wait on the birthmom's decision. Please Lord, will You lead us? And especially the birthmom's family. Warm their hearts toward us if this is Your will, so that this decision will be an easy one for them. Thank You Lord for everyone who is praying with us, and thank You Lord, that it is a little girl!!!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

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17 April 2008

Lord Jesus,

You have opened SO many doors for us to get to this point... You pulled strings to get the other couple out of the picture, who the birthmom had originally chosen as the family for her unborn child. You arranged for our profile to get into her hands. You arranged it months ago that the birthmom's crisis counselor became our friend and then You orchestrated that she also became the birthmom's crisis counselor! You made the birthgranny frustrated enough that she wanted to set up a meeting with us, even though in the social worker's eyes that's not done. And then You made it possible for us to meet with the birthmom and the birthdad too! How many doors You have already opened for us!!! It is so exciting!!! You are answering our prayers. Oh Lord, but now, oh how HARD it is becoming to just sit back and wait while they make a decision! The longer they take, the more I am inclined to think that they aren't choosing us as the family for their baby. Oh God, I am trusting You in all of this, but I am going to be honest when I tell You that this waiting is working on me now. It is grinding on my emotions and I am feeling heartbroken, even though we haven't had an answer yet and they might even still say yes. But at this stage we don't know. And that's the hard part. Waiting. And not knowing. And Lord, You know. You are in control. You know already what they are going to decide. O God, please do this for Robin and I so that I can tell everyone what You have done for us! O Lord, please stretch out Your mighty arm and open their hearts and minds to us, and SOON! Please Lord, TODAY! O Lord, please take this burden of waiting from us. Thank You Lord that You will make Your decision on how to answer this prayer with YOUR will in mind, because You know what's best and because You are teaching me how to trust You again. So God in Heaven, be merciful to me and Robin, please. Look on us with pity, Lord, so that we can be parents, so that we can give this baby a name that will honor You and so that we can teach her to love You and she can be saved by Your grace. O God, please open the doors! Please Lord, look upon us with mercy and favour. May our lives be a testimony to Your grace and power and love.

Please Lord, also be with the birthmom especially today.

Bless her and watch over the little baby.

Please, pick us!!!

Please Jesus.

Please.

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18 April 2008

O Lord!!! Thank You!!! My heart soars in praise to You! You have given us this baby!!! I am so excited and amazed and blessed! So much more than I deserve. This is all only blessing! And so, Father we are going to name her somthing that praises You for the rest of her life:

Jesse-Lee

Jesse meaning "Gift from God" and Lee being Robin's family name, passed down from every firstborn to every firstborn. So, every time we say her name we will be praising You for the gift of her. Praising You! For ever!

Oh, thank You Lord!

Thank You!

Thank You!

And that is how we came to have little Jesse-Lee in our life. The biggest blessing ever! I stand in awe of God when I read back in my prayer journal. What a long journey we walked with God until He blessed us with little Jesse-Lee. How humbling it is to consider that God - the CREATOR of the entire universe - chose us to be the family for little Jesse-Lee. He knit her together in her mother's womb with US in mind. How very humbling and awe-inspiring. I pray daily that God will make Robin and I the kind of parents who will honour His decision to have us parent her. Our gift from God.

Suspect okie

It's been impossible to get anything done today, on account of my bootie shaking so much! This afternoon we're going to Durban for the weekend! Woot woot! Friends of ours are travelling down to watch the rugby, so we're sponging off of them seeing as we's po hitching a lift down with them. Who could pass up a free ride to the city??? And to see Nolene (Robin's sister) for the last time before her baby is born next Thursday! Woot woot!
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I must tell you... I am SO tempted to send Victor and Lindsay a text message, inviting them to visit jess while we're there, and see their reaction. I wonder if Lindsay would feel comfortable revealing her very preggy belly when she's not certain we know she's preg again? I almost think she'd decline our invitation just to avoid seeing us! Victor, on the other hand, will definitely want to see Jess. And I suspect he might even want to brag about their being pregnant again so soon.
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A day or two after the shock of us hearing the news wore off, I remembered a conversation we had with Lindsay's crisis counselor, where Margo (the crisis counselor) revealed that Victor was very embittered after their signing the official adoption papers releasing Jess into our custody. And he told Margo that he resented us for taking her and it was easy enough for them to just make another baby, and this time keep it for themselves.
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Which would make this predicament of theirs a rather interesting development, indeed. Suspect. Very suspect.
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Makes me wonder if it was "just words" on his part, or if they really didn't go and try to "replace" Jess immediately after they'd parted with her?
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Either way, I want to tell you that the last two days have been strangely calm for me. I don't say that I'm totally "over" it, but I'm certainly not stressed about it anymore. God has given us the most gorgeous little girl! And if He sees fit to give us another one so soon after Jess, then YAY!!!! If not, and Jess's little sister stays with her birthparents, then that's ok by me too. We'll trust in God and in His perfect timing for US. For our little family of three.
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Gosh, don't I sound all grown up?
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I even surprise myself every now and again!

On a more serious note...

Today held the loss of two friends. Two young men, both recently out of school who have spent the past three and two years respectively working for God as missionaries in Abundant Life Missionary Touring Team. A tragedy to be sure.

Words always fail me at times like these. But we live on in their absence, knowing that when that awesome trumpet sounds, at the resurrection day, God will call for them, and we will all be reunited together again. For now, they rest. Oblivious of the fact that many mourn their loss. Oblivious of those who already miss them. Anton and Andre, we are going to miss you guys. But we look so forward to that glad day when Jesus comes and raises you from the dead! Not long anymore. Not long.

Adoption...

I just spent a good half hour, at least, catching up on my friend Ms J's blog (my blog is giving me errors so I can't make her link easy, but if you go to www.inourownweirdway.blogspot.com you will find their story there). She and her husband have adopted a gorgeous little girl from China and I am totally over the moon for her. Please keep her and Dr J (her hubby) in your prayers, and send up some special prayers for their Lil Pumpkin too, please! The adjustment time is very difficult for all of them, and she could use some well wishing too.

And reading her story made me realize, again, just how especially blessed Robin and I are to have been able to adopt our little Sugar Booger. Ms J reminded me just how special adoption is and how blessed we are to have been granted this, the biggest, most precious gift we have ever been given!

Just last week I was reading an article in one of the million baby magazines littering my living room while My Caramel Pancake was sleeping, and one of the articles, written specifically focused on Adoption in South Africa, said that in the entire Western Cape region of South Africa, only ONE white baby has been adopted in the last four years! And then I look at Sugar Booger and think "How on Earth did we get her???" There is really only one answer to that question: it is God. It is all Him. He is the reason our family is finally complete. Mind blowing!

60 days

Today is officially 60 days. The point of no return for the birthparents! Woot woot! For someone who wasn't thinking thinking thinking about the countdown too much (read "forcing myself not to think about it"), I am super excited today that there is no longer a bit of a wet blanket dampening our excitement. Needless to say, Hubsy and I will be taking Jess out today for a bit of a "painting the town red" story to celebrate. And by "town" we mean Wimpy (sort of like a South African version of McDonalds). Because Dunhillbillydee has such a wide variety of dining places to choose from. HHhmmmm...

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And now, our little wriggly monster can officially become Jesse-Lee Hillbilly. I am so super duper excited! Yay!!!

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Today, Robin and I officially became parents. And having it be to the best babe on the planet is just totally mindblowing. When God answers prayers, He answers them well, doesn't He?

Doing Moses

It occurred to me this past weekend when one of my best friends asked me, that I hadn't ever told you what became of our adoption of the little boy... remember him? I mentioned him a couple of times. And then a couple more times...

Ja. Well, after so many years of infertility and all of those torture sessions fertility treatments, it was a bit hard for us this infertile to say no to him. I mean - hello! - someone was offering me a baby!!! So we said yes, and then asked God to show us the right thing to do. (Sometimes you have to do the Moses thing and step into the water before the sea parts.) So that's what we did. We said yes. And then we said, "God, You so know that our finances are not going to stretch to meet the needs of two little people right now, please either make a way for us to have both and still be able to put some butter on our bread, or (shudder shudder!) take one baby out of the equation.

People, that's tantamount to declining your lotto winnings!

Anyhoo, the answer came through loud and clear, the first time I laid my eyes on our sweet lil Jesse-Lee. And verbalized when I held her in my arms. How could I share my Jesse-Lee time with another baby? God had provided for us. He heard our cries, saw our need and formed her, for us, in the womb of a sixteen year old girl. That very same week we declined the little boy.

Robin said something to me just the other day. He said, "You know what, Womanofmydreams?" (OK, so he might have said "Char", but I like to think he actually said Womanofmydreams. Or Mylifelongfantasy. Or something like that. Oh, woops... where was I? Oh yes. Robin was saying...) "Seven years ago we started asking God to give us a baby. Our baby. And we couldn't understand why He wasn't answering our prayers. Well, have you realized that when we started asking God for OUR baby, her birthmother was only nine years old? It's no wonder we had to wait so long!"

WOW! I truly hadn't thought of it that way! We HAD to wait seven years, because her birthmom wasn't even near child-birthing age when we started asking! God really did have a WONDERFUL plan for our happiness. He knew all along that Jesse-Lee was on her way... we just had to be patient. God already had His plan for us way back then. I can't believe I had such a hard time trusting. I wouldn't even heed His command to "Be still and KNOW that I AM God."

And now - WOW! - how different things are. Now I get to praise God every time I hear her little voice. Or see her smile. Or hold her fingers while she eats. I rub my cheek against hers and breathe her in, willing her to feel the love oozing from me. I dream dreams for her already. And it's all because God saw fit to grant us our wish. To create one very special little girl, to knit her together in her (birth)mother's womb and give us the privilege and blessing of allowing her to call us mom and dad.

It still totally astounds me.

And listen, if you are still struggling with infertility... I wish I could say that I know things will work out the way you want them to! I wish I knew what the future held for you so that I could encourage you. But, while I don't know those things, I do know that God really LOVES you and wants nothing but your happiness. I struggled with trusting Him when there was no light at the end of our infertility tunnel. I cried out to Him time and again. Sometimes in anger. Sometimes in need. How relieved I am that God isn't intimidated by our feelings. He knows our thoughts. He sees our need.

And today I can tell you that God knew exactly what He was doing when He had me waiting. Because now, when I look at our little Jesse-Lee, I know that she was planned for me from the very start. God made a way! And I will spend the rest of my life praising Him for her.

Please pray!

Lindsay's gone into labour. Baby is breach so doing emergency caesar. Robin and I are about to shoot down to Durban. Please pray with us that all goes well! Thanks guys. God is in control! He made this baby and everything is going to be ok! But I'm still scared whitless!!!

News!

Gawsh, sorry guys. I was totally AWOL for a few days. Robin and I were down in Durban for the next doctor's appointments with the birthmom and we landed up staying longer than we expected... Remind me never to go to Durban for a day, expecting to return that afternoon and then having to sleep over and not even have a spare change of rods with for the next day. Mmm... Not too pleasantsmelling. We went and bought some underwear, and a toothbrush each... luckily we had forgotten some clothes at my inlaws' home the previous time we slept over, so we each had a fresh shirt to wear. Needless to say, I have learned my lesson. And so have my nostrils.

Anyhoo...

But we have BRILLIANT news. Bril. Liant. I am soooo excited. OK, so the baby is breach. Which means that I won't be the cheerleading team in the delivery room anymore, because the birthmom will now be having a caesarian section next Friday the 30th of May! Never have I been SO happy to get bad news before. I'm blaming my nerves for this one. I was so relieved that I wouldn't have to be shouting "push! push! hee hee! hoo hoo! push! breathe!" that I almost broke out into a moonwalk accross the doctor's rooms when she said that there's no chance for normal delivery.

Which just goes to show that I still haven't quite outgrown my penchant for 80s music.

Also, big bonus: now we also have a definite date for Jesse-Lee's birth too! Which means that Robin and I won't have to accumulate a few speeding tickets as we drive down from Dundee to Durban when Lindsay goes into labour. (If Jesse-Lee had arrived prem, of course). AND, Lindsay doesn't want to have an epidural, so, at this stage it looks like she will go under general anaesthetic, so she will sleep through the "birth" and not even hear Jesse-Lee's first cries! Of course, that's not entirely certain yet, but at this stage, it sounds like that is the plan.

Seriously, if all my wishes keep coming true like this, I might be winning the lotto soon at this rate.

On with the good news. OK, so now Jesse-Lee is arriving next Friday. I will obviously be in the surgery with the birthmom (Lindsay). I will then accompany little Jesse-Lee from the moment she's born onwards. Which means that I will be sleeping in the hospital's nursery like all the other moms until we get the "get out of jail free card" and can come home. Lindsay will be in the post-operative recovery ward, not in the moms ward. Our official adoption date is Monday the 2nd of June at 14h00 South Africa time. By then, little Jesse-Lee will have her birth certificate, and all relevant parties will be required to appear in court for the redtape and paperwork to be completed. THEN, I get to come home with my baby! Yay!!!!! MY baby! I am so excited. Of course they get 60 days after the courtdate to reconsider, but they really aren't in any position to reconsider. They live in shocking circumstances of poverty, and right now there is no way they can possible rethink their decision to place the little girl for adoption. Which makes me feel very relieved, obviously, but sort of like a bit of a scavenger for being so happy that they can't keep her! That's the nature of adoption though, so I mustn't dwell on it.

Other good news: our police clearance has been sent to us and we will be in possession of the certificates tomorrow morning already! How good is God? I just stand back in amazement when I see the doors swinging so wide open for us all the time. Every time we have taken something relevant to the adoption to Him in prayer, He has opened the doors for us. I have NO doubts whatsoever that this little baby was intended for our family. Every day we are seeing answers to our prayers and I just praise Him every step of the way. Wow.

What else do I have to share with you? My friend Charlene (sorry, my linky isn't working, but her blogaddress is: http://heathelsa.blogspot.com/ ) mailed me with a whole list of questions... So I better check that I haven't skipped anything!

About the little boy... Right now nothing is forthcoming. At the moment his mom (Michelle) knows that she needs to give him up for adoption, but just can't. Shame, it's heartbreaking! The poor woman. I can't imagine spending two months bonding with your baby after he's born, and nine months before that, and then having to make such a heartwrenching decision. So we are stepping back and allowing her to make her decision in her own time. And if she ever gets to the point where she's ready to be dealing with social workers, etc. then we'll get involved again. We haven't met her or the little boy, which is much better. We'll only meet her if she starts seriously pursuing adoption for him. For now, Robin and I don't really think that anything's going to come of it. But at this stage we aren't too heartbroken over it. We are trusting in God on this one too, and as soon as we know something more, of course, as usual, you'll be the first to know.

Because, as you all know, I am totally incapable to keeping anything from you. Not even my dirty clothes that I had to wear for two days in a row because we didn't pack an overnight bag.

I also got my galactogogues yesterday while we were in Durban and started popping dem pills immediately so that hopefully my boozies will produce some boob-juice by the time Jesse-Lee arrives! And - woot woot! - they are actually prescription tranquilizers that have lactation as a side-effect! So, guess who is sooooper doooooper relaxed today? No prizes for guessing correctly, guys. Hint: has super-hot boozies and wears stinky dirty clothes for two days in a row. Me thinks these galactogogues are going to be ranking right up there with cappuccinos and David Cook soon. Speaking of which, if my booty doesn't stop shaking from all the happiness soon, I might need to pop a few more galactogogues / tranquilizers to slow down and stop doing the happy-that-I'm-going-to-be-a-mommy-soon-and-happy-that-David-Cook-won-and-happy-that-I-am-wearing-clean-clothes-and-that-I-smell-good dance. Because at this rate, I'm going to shake something loose soon. And it probably won't be footloose either. Although it does fit into the fave-80s-tunes category.

Ok, I really need to go now because I'm starting to talk rubbish. I'm blaming the tranquilizers. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Papers!!!

So I phoned about the Police Clearance and guess what? Apparently the "system was down" and now there is a backlog of about 12000 people's police clearances awaiting signatures! Oh man. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being a statistic? Especially when said statistic is grating is on one of my only working nerves. You guys need to please pray with us about it ok? I shudder to think that this one thing might prevent me from getting my family! OK, I mustn't think that way. Where's my faith? God knows exactly where in that pile of thousandsofpapers our police clearance is, and seeing as His finger is in our pie with this, I'm certain that He can find our papers inbetween all of that lot and get them signed and sent off to us before the court date for our adoption. Oh me of little faith.

Counting my chickens and babyclothes

Well, I certainly got my money's worth with those pills for my Stress Spots. (I should think so, at that price!) And I've even been sleeping too! Bonus! I need to get as many ZZZzzz's in now as possible, before the babies come home. It's min dae* now. Yay! In the meantime I've been keeping myself busy doing a stocktake of all the baby clothes. Yes, again. How anal am I? OK, don't answer that.

This is a portion of the clothes and bedding etc. that we have for the babies... I'm going to return all the duplicates we've been given, as well as any clothes that still have their tags on that I have enough of. Then I can also exchange it for more 'neutral' things that little boys AND girls can wear. Just in case everything falls into place for the little boy to becomes ours too. There are still a few questions there, so I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. But at the same time I'm planning as if he is ours already. Hectic. All these "ifs" are going to drive me loopy.

For example, IF we get him, I am going to stop working at the end of this month already - yup, in two weeks time. If we don't get him, I'll probably carry on working, but flexi-time. Which would mean that I'd still be earning dosh, which we reallllly need, but if we get the two, there's no way I'll be able to juggle two babies and work. Not to mention sleep! So, I'll sort-of have to stop working. Which actually suits me fine, what with my lazy, unambitious tendencies and all. Not that I'm going to get much rest, but frik!, I've been waiting my whole life to become a mommy, so nothing is going to stop me from enjoying every financially bankrupt, sleepless moment along the way!

I laugh in the face of danger, y'all.

I must tell you about something though that just shows me all over again that God has His finger in this pie of ours... As you know, our social worker was supposed to come and do our home study this past week. Well, the day before she was supposed to come to do the home study, she found out that she has colon cancer. So sad! I've been praying for her, and you all can too ok? Anyway, the way this impacts on our adoption is that she can no longer come to do the home study. But she will prepare our report just overlooking the fact and hopefully the judge/magistrate on the day of the adoption just won't ask about it. If he or she asks about it, then we'll tell the truth. But if he or she doesn't ask, well, then we'll let sleeping dogs lie and all of that. But, the way that the timing has been a blessing to us is that we would have had to pay approximately R4000 for the homestudy to be completed, including the social worker's time, travel, etc. And now? Well, we just won't be doing it anymore! Can you believe it? Of course, I know that God didn't cause Debbie to get cancer... But it just astounds me how He knew that she would find out the day before her trip to us in the bush, and helped to pan things out that the timing wouldn't allow her to complete the study for us! And in so doing save us four thousand smackaroos! Tell me that's not God's helping us! I just praise Him all day long.

Please pray with us about the Police Clearance too? We should have had it weeks ago already, but still nothing has arrived. Will you ask God with us to sort this out for us? It's out of our hands and it's making me a bit dippy.

Anyhoo... I'll chat again tomorrow. Enjoy the last of your weekend, guys. I'm going to get back to my stocktaking. Again. Just in case I've missed something.

Crazy Confucious

Well, you will NEVER BELIEVE what's happened now. Seriously. Are you sitting down? (If any of you take medication to regulate your heart, now would be a good time to pop a few of them.) I get the shivers when I even think of it.

Last night I got a phonecall from a friend of ours in Durban, who happens to be a pastor. Long story short, an extended family member of his is putting her 2-month old son up for adoption, and they want Robin and I to adopt him!!! I know! How crazy is that? I mean, talk about sending us on a tailspin! Needless to say, we are totally hooky-kooky right now. Of course we WANT him... but can we afford another baby at the same time? I don't know... my wallet says no. My heart says yes. Then again, I'm thinking... Maybe I could sell a kidney or two... just kidding. I'm going to need them if my gazookas will ever produce some milk.

I am at a loss for words. And you all know how seldom that happens to me. I'm asking God questions like, "OK, are You serious? Is this even Your doing? Are you preparing us for something? Is it possible that the adoption of Jesse-Lee might fall through and that You're getting us ready to consider other babies? Or is it simply that You think we need two babies at once? Is this Your will? What would You like us to do?" Gawsh. I am totally gaga right now. Speechless. (Well, apparently, from the length of this paragraph so far, maybe I'm not as speechless as I thought!)

There is so much more to consider than JUST money. Of course. But actually, if I were Rockerfella, I'd adopt both. Without blinking an eyelid. Dang, I'd adopt all of China's orphans too. (Which just goes to show that in my previous life I was Angelina. Just kidding. I don't believe in reincarnation. Although, I have always secretly thought that I was destined to be rich and famous. Maybe I was the milkman's child?) Unfortunately I'm NOT Rockerfella. I'm the other fella. Which sucks when I'm eyeing a particularly nifty pair of shoes. Or contemplating whether or not it would be wise to adopt the little boy right now too...

So, you guys really need to stop praying that God will give us children ok? haha. Seriously. Sort-of. Gawsh. What are we going to do??? Please pray with us for God's guidance ok? My heart is going to land up killing me here. Too much going on. Too much.

Just call me Confucious.

Meeting over!

Hello everyone. The meeting went SOOOO well. I love Debbie, the social worker. She is kind, and calm and gracious. And everything that you would expect from a social worker. And I am so excited that our journey to building a family of our own has begun. Yay! I am reassured of God's intervention in finding us the RIGHT social worker. I know you all have been praying with us about that (it was on the list of prayer requests) and definitely, I am totally comfortable with the lady God has provided for us. Now the long part of the process begins. The waiting. Debbie still needs to do the Home Study with us. And we'll have to wait for her to give us the dates for that. And of course I'll tell you when that will be. You know me. I can't keep anything from you guys.

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But for now, we're packing our bags and heading back into the bush. It's been awesome being in Durban again. Woot woot! Shopping was LOADS of fun. I bought some really spiffy new shoes - couldn't resist - which I'll photograph once we're home and share with you.

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So, anyway, just wanted to let you know how it went. Can't wait to be home with my kitties again though. Seems I'm turning into a hillbilly more and more with every visit to the city!

Chat soon.

hugs xxx

Meeting postponed

Hi guys. I know you've all been sitting on the edges of your seats waiting to find out how the meeting with the social worker went this morning. Well, just to let you know - our meeting was postponed to tomorrow morning at nine o' clock. Definitely in God's plan, because we needed this extra time to get a few more ducks in a row. Very very exciting. I'm beginning to get nervous now.

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I've been writing our "Dear Birthmother" letter. Wow. What a mission. It's hard to think what to write in a letter to someone you've never met, that would convince her to sign over her baby to you.

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It's taking me forever to get done.

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Hence the no blogging for the past couple of days. I'm totally absorbed in this new quest.

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Thanks so much for all the emails I've received and comments on my recent blog posts. I've turned into such a terrible blogger! I'm surprised anyone's even coming back to say hello. As soon as we're back from our meeting I'll let you all know how it went ok? Thanks so much for spending some time on your knees for us too! I know it's your prayers to our awesome God that's keeping us going right now.

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Hectic! Lots of loves, hugs, kisses and bananas

from two knee-shaking hillbillies

A Policeman named Speedy Gonzales

So I asked you all to pray for God to open the doors for police clearance to come through quickly? Are you ready for this? Last night I got an sms from a friend who knows someone who works in the Police Criminal Records Department. They can fast-track the Police Clearance for Robin and I, and what should take 8 - 12 weeks will now only take one week! Praise God! Need I say more? I am just totally astounded by His interventions for us. Wow.

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Speechless I am.
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Wow.
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Keep praying and praising with us ok?

Fast track

Today we are fasting. (I was dead nervous about fasting, what with my insatiable desire to eat all day and all... I am totally addicted to food. I couldn't live without it! hehe. But it's going way better than I thought it would. We're having a fruit fast - in other words we abstain from all food except fruit and nuts. Much easier. Especially if you have P.C.O.S. and your blood sugar is unstable. Ask me about it!)

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I must tell you about something that made the hairs on my teeth stand on end. God is leading is such amazing ways! I shouldn't be surprised though, because He is GOD, after all... and yet, this enormous, incredible, awe-inspiring God, that very same One, He is listening to our prayers and answering! Wow. It really humbles me.

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So anyway. I have this friend. Her name is Stephné and we are like peas and carrots. We look different, but we are both vegetables so similar in many many ways. Both studied art and graphics. Both love men who are outdoorsy. Both are musical. Both are beautiful. Just kidding. She's beautiful, I'm hillbilly-like. But, it's in our personalities that most of the similarities lie. You know how sometimes two people are just totally on the same frequency? Well, that's me and Steph. Uh, Steph and I. You know what I mean. So, Steph has been praying with us about Maybe Baby. Yesterday morning I was impressed with 1st Samuel chapter 2 v 6, after I'd read the first two chapters of 1st Samuel. And so I blogged about it, and emailed my friends who don't read my blog regularly. Steph immediately responded with this email:-

Hi Rob & Char,

Thank you for sharing your prayers, hopes, desires and dreams with us we are pleased that we can be a part of your "Prayer Warriors" group of close friends as we regard you the same way. I find it so interesting that this morning, I committed to making a very serious effort with morning devotions and am happy to report that by the Lord's strength and support alone I was able to get up at 5am and spend time in reading and prayer, the passage I read was 1 Samuel 1 & 2 and I too paused on the verses you have taken courage from; isn't that cool?! We will certainly remember you in our daily prayers and will fast with you on Wednesday too.

Lots of love
Steph

Wow, the hairs on my teeth all stood up in neat little rows when I read that. She was impressed to read the very same passage as I was. OK, to you maybe that would just seem like coincidence. I just believe that God is comforting me and reassuring me that He really is guiding. And that the verse is pertinent to what He wants me to know right now. And that is that He is the Giver of Life. He is Life. And I need to trust Him. And to trust Him with the Life He will provide.

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This morning Steph sent me this sms (text message):-

Thank You Father that You will bless this woman with endless treasures (Isaiah 2) and never allow her to fall (Psalm 66). Meet all her needs according to Your riches (Philippians 4) and reveal to her Your secret (Colossians 2) and Your endless love for her. Spoil her and make her feel special. Thinking of you both today. Love Steph.

What amazing friends we have! I am so blessed.

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Incidentally, there's one more thing we need you to add to your prayer list. We need to get police clearance for the adoption proceedings. And, since Robin and I hijacked a bus a few months ago and robbed a few banks and have been running from the law ever since, that's going to be a bit challenging. Just kidding. Oh what a kidder I am. OK OK, before you all start sighing and disappear for good, the challenge is this - police clearance in South Africa takes between two and three months to come through. Which means that this Maybe Baby in Durban will already have been born and given to another family by then. Please pray with us for a miracle, and that the police clearance will come through almost immediately. "With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible." Matthew 19 v 26

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I'm sorry if this blog has become a bit stuck-record-like. I don't know when this blog will resume it's normal frivolous chit-chat. For now, it's all about the Maybe Baby(s).

Maybe Baby update again

Robin and I went to visit Maybe Baby (number 1 - yes, there is more than one now!) at the baby shelter in Johannesburg on Thursday. She is a beautiful four-week-old little girl, named Angel (surname withheld for privacy). It was heartwrenching to see this little girl, wrapped in blankets and lying in a crib, knowing that her birthmom doesn't really care what happens with her. The ladies who work at the shelter told us that it's very likely that Angel has HIV. She is also a crack-baby and is in the throes of detox right now. It is heartbreaking. Robin and I have taken a decision that we will not adopt if the baby has HIV. What a horrible decision to take. But, honestly, we don't have the financial ability to care for a baby with such special needs. Anti-retroviral treatments cost an arm and a leg. And we would just shrivel up and die if she were to die shortly after we grow to love her. But we made some good contacts while we were there and left feeling like even if this baby doesn't become ours, things will still work out fine for us.

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It's so weird to sit here writing about something that moved us so much, only to have it sound so shallow and arbitrary when I read over it!

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And then, also last week, I heard about a local teenaged girl who is pregnant and whose family are dirt poor and cannot afford to keep the baby. And then to add fuel to the fire of their decision, the little girl went for a scan and found out that she is pregnant with twins. So, there is another possibility. Remote possibility, but a possibility nonetheless. So, that's Maybe Babies numbers 2 and 3.

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Maybe Baby number 4 we found out about from a friend of ours in Durban who counsels teenagers in crisis. She let us know about a girl in Durban, who is looking for a family for her child. Together, Lesley and her social worker have already turned down a few families because they aren't Christians, and she specifically wants her baby to be adopted by a Christian family. Hello! Pick meeeeee! The baby is due to be born in a few weeks time, so time is VERY short. As you all know, the adoptive process is a very long and complicated story, with all sorts of red tape, etc. So, our chances for this little baby are very slim. But somehow in our hearts, this is the baby we feel most drawn towards. Maybe it's because we know the lady counselling the mom.

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The stumbling block in the works for us, though, was that we couldn't get hold of a social worker who was willing to even write down our names. So, we spent the better part of this past weekend sharing our burden with our friends and praying about it together. Yesterday we started praying specifically that God would reveal His will to us and help us to know what to do next. Because all of our efforts to find a social worker to help us, resulted in zip.

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This morning I got an impression to phone Debbie (the private social worker in Durban, whom I'd been unable to contact up until today) right away, so I did. And she answered!!! Halelujah! She has agreed to take on our case and we will be meeting with her next Tuesday morning in Durban! I can't even begin to tell you what a miracle this is for me. What might seem insignificant to you, and easy-peasy in the big scheme of things, had been an enormous challenge for us. We were beginning to believe that it may not be in God's plan for us to EVER have children - even adopted ones. But God has OPENED this door for us! I can't even begin telling you what a huge relief it is to have tried Debbie's number this morning and to have actually gotten a reply on my very first attempt today, after WEEKS and WEEKS of trying to find a social worker and getting no reply from anyone!
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Surely God is leading in this? Surely God always has His finger in our pies - and surely He will show us the right way to proceed! Even if the answer is no. I am trying my best to be attentive to His voice, and asking Him to make His will mine. And not the other way round. For too long I have been afraid to say "Your Will be done, Lord" for fear that it might be contrary to mine. How selfish is that? But, finally, we are seeing a light at the end of this dark tunnel, albeit a very small, flickery one.
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We would like to ask you to join us in praying for God The Father's guidance in this, our most precious heart's desire - our pursuit of parentdom. And our longing to love a child and to have one (preferably more) to call our own.
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There are a few specific things we are asking for:-
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1. The RIGHT social worker (hopefully that's Debbie!)

2. The RIGHT baby (or babies)
3. The RIGHT timing - His timing in answering our prayers
4. For God to reveal His will to us, and to help us accept it, no matter what that might be
5. For a PRIVATE adoption. Preferably for a family to choose us as the parents of their child.
6. For all of this to happen as speedily as possible, even though we've asked for number 3 also.
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That last request probably seems silly - but we feel as if we've been floundering, and would really like to ask God to take into consideration our impatience! haha. Even if we didn't ask Him to hurry up, He would know we were thinking it anyway. And we can hide nothing from Him. So, we're asking for HIS timing - and to help us be ok with it. Basically that's what it comes down to.

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I also want to share with you a verse that was greatly comforting to me when I discovered it. It is found in the prayer that Hannah prayed as thanks when she fell pregnant with Samuel in 1st Samuel, chapter 2 and specifically verse 6:-

"The LORD brings death and makes alive;

He brings down to the grave and raises up."

(It sounded a whole lot better in my paraphrase Bible this morning, but I never brought my nifty paraphrased version with me to work this morning... but anyway,) in other words, God is the giver of life. He holds life in His hands. He decides. And He will give life (or a child) when He sees fit. I am learning to trust Him again. I am learning to wait. And I'm trying to do so patiently, without questioning His "delay" in my eyes. His timing is PERFECT. Even though I've been asking Him to hurry up.
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So, will you please lift us up to the Saviour in prayer this week?
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Our friends will be praying with us every day from 06h30 - 07h00 in the morning. Robin and I and a handfull of close friends will be fasting on Wednesday too. If you would like to join us in fasting, we would really appreciate it. We are often reminded in the Bible of God intervening when His people fast and pray.

• "So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and He answered our prayer." Ezra 8 v 23
• "...with prayer and fasting, committed them to the Lord, in whom they had put their trust." Acts 14 v 23

Will you do the same for us? Commit us to the Lord, and put your trust in Him?

Gone for the weekend

Just wanted to let you all know that I will be gone until Tuesday next week! We are going camping with all our friends (most of them, at least) to Heidelburg (about 45 minutes from Johannesburg). Yeah baby! We're hoping to go and visit Maybe Baby tomorrow while we're there and to make contact with a Private Social Worker. Yay! So exciting!

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So anyway, here's wishing you all a Happy Easter. Chat soon with all the news, on Tuesday. Hopefully we'll have some good news to share with you. Or at least a step in the right direction!

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Something to think about over Easter weekend:

1 cross

+ 3 nails

= 4 given

Rainy Daze

It's been raining for four days. A steady, clean-washing, soaking-in kind of rain. The kind that makes you wish for a cuddly blanket, a cat on your lap, socks on your feet and a good book to read. And a stack of pancakes. The kind that makes you nostalgic for places you've never been. Romantic, misty places where magical things happen.
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It's also the kind that turns your driveway into mush.

And makes you get stuck in the mud on your way to work.

The kind that requires someone to come and tow you out.

And have a good laugh at your expense.

And make you late for work.

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And make you wish that you could rather be at home, on your denim couch, with a blankie, a few cats, socks on your feet, a good book and a stack of pancakes.

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And that's about all I have to say about that.

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That and, oh where oh where is a sick note when you need one?

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PS. Your comments to my post on Friday made me cry my eyes out. Of course, at that stage it didn't take much to make me cry, already. With me being such a sop and all. But really, you guys are so thoughtful and kind. Words fail me. Thanks so much!

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Incidentally, when I was worshiping this morning, I asked God what it was that He wanted me to do. Was there something He wanted me to do. Or should I just wait on Him. The answer came through immediately and clearly: Just TRUST Me.

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So that's what I'm going to try my very best to do. Wait on Him. Trust Him. Stop doubting His plan for me. And along the way, stop being miserable. If possible. And with God, ALL things are possible, right?

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Many of your comments said exactly that, when I read between the lines. I think God's trying to tell me something. And I'm going to be listening.

Of Frogs and Outcomes

My yesterday started with me climbing out of bed to get dressed. And stepping on a loving gift that one of my cats had left for me beside my bed. And it just happened to be something that bursts when you stand on it. From what I could make out as I tried my best not to add some of my supper to the mess scraped the gooey remnants from my footsole, it appeared to be a frog. And that set the tone for the remainder of what turned out to be Cycle Day One.

And this is what I spent the remainder of Cycle Day 1 doing...

- Asking God to help me be ok.
- Had lunch at a friend's house. Where there happened to be some other friends invited who had their baby three weeks ago.
- Endured much ooh-ing and ahh-ing.
- Asking God to give us a baby, for Robin's sake and not for mine. I'm done asking for myself.
- Holding friend's baby and wishing it was mine.
- Praising God for life. And asking Him to help me reconcile the fact that I probably will never hold my own baby. And to help me be ok with that eventuality.
- More ooh-ing and ahh-ing.
- Listened to lots of unsolicited advice from old aunties who have heard that I should just adopt and I'll miraculously fall pregnant soon after that.
- Refrained from telling them that right now it is impossible for a white South African to adopt. That I had personally phoned twelve adoption agencies and not ONE of them had been willing to even write down my name, because their waiting lists are 11,000 strong. And that if we were to adopt a baby with a different ethnic group to mine, I'd have to raise that child exactly as if I were it's ethnic equal. Which I wouldn't be able to do. Seeing as I am, unfortunately, not a Zulu. Or Xhosa. And therefore do not know how to raise a child as one.
- Nodded and said "Yes, I have heard stories like that before."
- Spent a lot of time staring at the baby and wondering if they would be able to catch me if I grabbed her and made a dash into the mountains considering my chances of ever acquiring having one of my own.
- Listened to four of the women talk about how "next time I fall pregnant, I'll definitely not have an epidural." And trying my best to look comfortable.
- Wondered if my friends would ever get past the Babymaking Age.
- Wondered if I would ever make it to the other side.
- Looked forward to the ripe old age of fifty, by which age, surely, I would no longer have to juggle wanting to spend time with my friends and wanting to avoid them because they are either pregnant, or trying to fall pregnant, or nursing, or only talking about how cute their little one is because they're now walking / talking / sitting on their own / starting school soon.
- Wondered if I would still have anything in common with them, by then.
- Thanked God that at least one of my friends will never have children, because of circumstances in her life which don't allow for it.
- Felt guilty for being so selfish.
- Asked God to forgive me for being resentful.
- Tried not to weep when Robin held the baby and remembered again that if it weren't for ME, he'd have been a father years ago already.
- Begged God to grant our request for a child, for Robin's sake. Again.
- Listened to some more unsolicited advice from grannies who never had problems conceiving, but who have all the answers.
- Eventually escaped Came home and had friends come to visit.
- Including the one I'm convinced is pregnant!

Am I a sucker for punishment or what?

A saving nightmare

I really wasn't going to tell you about this. Especially it being ANOTHER post about God so close on the heels of yesterday's chat about God... but it was a nightmare! I awoke this morning with my pulse racing and my hands sweating. I immediately grabbed my cellphone and dialled my friend's number and told him what I'd dreamt and that we need to make sure we're ok. OK with God, that is. I know - now I'm freaking you out too, right? * Eish! *

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Here's what I dreamt.

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In my dream a bunch of my friends and I were walking along the Durban beachfront, talking and having a good time together. It was evening. Most of us were barefoot and wearing jeans. Casual stuff. All of a sudden this enormous wind was whipping up sand, and the waves on the seashore became enormous terrifying tsunami-like tidal waves. The ground started rumbling, then shaking. And the sky started rolling back. And I felt a heavy, earth-shattering fear unleash itself from deep within me. I immediately grabbed my friend's hand and said to him, "I think Jesus is coming!" In the same moment as I grabbed my friend's hand, the others around us started levitating toward the cloud in the sky. But my friend and I stayed put. We were not saved! We hadn't spent time with Jesus. He didn't know us.

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Talk about a nightmare of epic proportions! And I awoke feeling absolutely terrified. And then I realized that maybe God was trying to tell me something. Maybe this was God's way to saying to me, "Char, let's spend some more time together. I want you to be saved. I want to know you. I want you to know Me. I want you to be ready when I return to take you to this amazing place I've built for you. Don't you want to spend some time with Me, so that we can get to know each other better? I already knew you before you were born. I knit you together in your mother's womb. All the days of your life I have already seen. I know where you're headed, and it doesn't include me. Come away a while. Let's spend some time together, just you and me. I want to teach you how to just be still in my presence. To know that I am God. How else will you ever learn to trust me again?"

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And who am I to refuse such an invitation? Of course, I realize that there's nothing I can do to save myself. That's what Jesus had to die for. To offer me forgiveness and grace. You guys all know that stuff too. What I hadn't realized, fully, was that I need to take time to spend with God regularly. It's not about me earning salvation at all. It's about me learning to know and trust God again. And to build a relationship with Him. A saving relationship. So that one day when He comes on the clouds to take us home, and to raise the dead to life at the resurrection, you and I won't be left behind on a planet bereft of His presence.

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Isn't this God we serve just totally amazing?

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* That's South African for anything similar to "OH MY WORD!" or "WHAT THE ?" or "OH NO!" or "WOW!" etc.