Thursday, 5 July 2007

Morbid Me

Warning: Horrible Post below. Go away if you want to preserve your lovely happy mood today.
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Maybe it's that Robin's been away for a few days already and I'm missing him madly. Maybe it's being so annoyed with The Dog That We Adopted That I Still Have Not Been Able To Housetrain And Still Thinks The Lounge Is The Toilet.... Then again, maybe it's just that I'm back in that dark place again. That horrible rush of infertility that slaps me silly every now and again. The deep discontent with my broken body. Wait, edit that to say: the hatred I have of my bits. Those stupid bits that I have stuck in me that I can't change and that I'll have to live with for the remainder of my days on planet earth and that I can't do anything about fixing. Maybe it's the helplessness of it all. Maybe it's that even the surrogacy has enormous challenges. Like the fact that we are struggling to get answers about me having to adopt the baby after it's born and whether or not the Belgian government would allow a South African to adopt it. Uggghhh... I am just SO SICK and TIRED of having to struggle with this. I am so sick of being infertile. I just can't get over it. No matter how far I run, it's always there. And I'm sick of it. Hating being me right now.


10 comments:

Aurette said...

Dear Char

Listen to your big sister for once..... WE LOVE YOU, No matter what you are inside..... It seems harder now that Rob is not around, it is always easier when you have someone to talk to, but to come home to an empty house is not the best thing one can do even if you are in the best of "places". it has a way of making you feel very down and depressed, and yes angry, angry that you are alone and also angry that you are "broken inside". I know what I am talking about. Come to us this weekend, stay with us and bring your pooch with and we will help to carry this burden of yours.

Remember that we love you very much and quite frankly would not want you any other way.

Love Aurette

Amberly said...

I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this and feeling this way. You're in my prayers.

Kim said...

Dear Char

I hate to hear that you're feeling so down but I do try my best to understand it. It must be very very tough for you. Go to Aurette for the weekend - you definitely need the company.

Lots of Love
Kim

Sharon said...

Hey Char...

As always, know that I love you and am thinking of you STAX... Remember, God has shown himself faithful throughout this journey you've been on... He's with you every step of the way - and as the well known poem goes - when you can't see His footsteps - it's because He is carrying you.

Your sis is right, it's always harder to deal with something when your loved ones are far away... the enemy likes to take advantage wherever he can... but stay strong - God loves you, Robin loves you, we all love you... never forget it!

JennyK said...

Delurking just to add a little support. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

May said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Take up your sister's offer! It's always better to feel crappy with a sister to lean on.

Spanglish said...

Sometimes it's no fun living inside a traitorous body. I understand. I hope you feel better soon.

Kelly said...

Sorry you are so sad. It probably would be best to have some company this weekend. Your sister sounds very special.

Char said...

Hi guys

Thanks SO MUCH for your awesome comments. May, you are SO RIGHT. It is always better to feel crappy with your sister! I love my sister! Thanks Aurette... I'll see you tonight! Love all of you loads... even those of you who I only know in cyberspace! :o)

PS - I'm feeling much better today (Friday). xxx

Alison Shiloh Wear said...

In the midst of your struggling with infertility, you have managed to be a bright spot on the web for many. Thanks for the way you're "making lemonade" of this challenge and spreading joy with your humorous accounts of daily life as well as insightful looks at deeper matters. You are a blessing!