Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Tips and Tricks, edition 3

I waited two months before attempting to do hand and footprints of my lil wriggly monster. And with good reason too. Never underestimate the power of a baby's clenched fist. Ever seen a thirty-something trying to uncurl a 2-month-old 4,5kg baby's fingers, while wielding a paintbrush in one hand and a cardboard between her teeth, all the while insisting to the Herculean babe that it would be fun without getting the cardboard speckled with spittle? The thirty-something would surely lose.
I am still nursing my bruised ego.
And scrubbing the metallic blue paint from my curtains.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Hence my reason for writing this post. If you are, indeed, going to attempt the impossible, allow me to offer a few suggestions that might aid you in acquiring the perfect little hand and footprints you so desire for your scrapbook.
Ready? OK, here we go...
  1. Call in all of your friends to help. A team of about six or seven adults should do the trick. In the absence of reliable friends, proceed at your own risk. With caution. And a stash of caffeine at the ready.
  2. Set your thermostat or heater on the highest setting possible if you're doing this in winter, as this will allow you to derobe. Blue metallic paint likes fabric, y'all. My curtains will never be the same. Neither will my eiderdown. Or my shoes.
  3. Make sure you have the curtains drawn. Especially if your neighbours are peeping toms.
  4. Now is about the time to get nekkid. Both you and the wriggly monster.
  5. Talk sweetly in a soothing voice, so as to keep a measure of calm.
  6. A tot or two of strong caffeine at this point should soothe the nerves.
  7. Dip the paintbrush into the paint. Do not be tempted to put too much paint on the brush. It makes for glooby prints. And bigger paint splatters on your scatter cushions.
  8. Prise open the fingers of the child. (It might help to wait until she's asleep. I didn't. That's how I know.)
  9. QUICK! paint the child's palm.
  10. Even QUICKER! remove the drooled-on-cardboard from between your clenched teeth and press against your child's palm.
  11. Talk sweetly in a soothing voice, so as to keep a measure of calm.
  12. Peel away the cardboard from the child's hand, which is probably already aiming for the tightly-curled-fist-position again, and place the smeared, barely recognisable handprinted painted cardboard on a flat, dry surface. Face up. (If you can do this while still holding your child's hand, this would be FABULOUS! If not, make sure you have a bucket of warm soapy water ready to wipe the blue paint from your child's hand. And hair.)
  13. Talk sweetly in a soothing... ah, what the heffalump! Press speed-dial on your cellphone and instruct your husband to abandon whatever he's doing and come to help immediately! Believe me, it's all downhill from there. Once the child knows what's coming, there aint no way on this blue planet you're going to get another handprint, leave alone two footprints. And believe it or not, Dear Hubby won't mind rescuing two partially clad damsels in distress from a paint splattered room. I have it on good authority.

Now if only I can find a way to remove glittery blue paint from green gingham.


Amy said...

Love, love, love the story. I think we need pictures though, to, um, get the full effect (or just to laugh harder!).

Carla said...

LOL, try it while she's asleep. ;)

we need photos though.