Thursday, 24 July 2008

Doing Moses

It occurred to me this past weekend when one of my best friends asked me, that I hadn't ever told you what became of our adoption of the little boy... remember him? I mentioned him a couple of times. And then a couple more times...

Ja. Well, after so many years of infertility and all of those torture sessions fertility treatments, it was a bit hard for us this infertile to say no to him. I mean - hello! - someone was offering me a baby!!! So we said yes, and then asked God to show us the right thing to do. (Sometimes you have to do the Moses thing and step into the water before the sea parts.) So that's what we did. We said yes. And then we said, "God, You so know that our finances are not going to stretch to meet the needs of two little people right now, please either make a way for us to have both and still be able to put some butter on our bread, or (shudder shudder!) take one baby out of the equation.

People, that's tantamount to declining your lotto winnings!

Anyhoo, the answer came through loud and clear, the first time I laid my eyes on our sweet lil Jesse-Lee. And verbalized when I held her in my arms. How could I share my Jesse-Lee time with another baby? God had provided for us. He heard our cries, saw our need and formed her, for us, in the womb of a sixteen year old girl. That very same week we declined the little boy.

Robin said something to me just the other day. He said, "You know what, Womanofmydreams?" (OK, so he might have said "Char", but I like to think he actually said Womanofmydreams. Or Mylifelongfantasy. Or something like that. Oh, woops... where was I? Oh yes. Robin was saying...) "Seven years ago we started asking God to give us a baby. Our baby. And we couldn't understand why He wasn't answering our prayers. Well, have you realized that when we started asking God for OUR baby, her birthmother was only nine years old? It's no wonder we had to wait so long!"

WOW! I truly hadn't thought of it that way! We HAD to wait seven years, because her birthmom wasn't even near child-birthing age when we started asking! God really did have a WONDERFUL plan for our happiness. He knew all along that Jesse-Lee was on her way... we just had to be patient. God already had His plan for us way back then. I can't believe I had such a hard time trusting. I wouldn't even heed His command to "Be still and KNOW that I AM God."

And now - WOW! - how different things are. Now I get to praise God every time I hear her little voice. Or see her smile. Or hold her fingers while she eats. I rub my cheek against hers and breathe her in, willing her to feel the love oozing from me. I dream dreams for her already. And it's all because God saw fit to grant us our wish. To create one very special little girl, to knit her together in her (birth)mother's womb and give us the privilege and blessing of allowing her to call us mom and dad.

It still totally astounds me.

And listen, if you are still struggling with infertility... I wish I could say that I know things will work out the way you want them to! I wish I knew what the future held for you so that I could encourage you. But, while I don't know those things, I do know that God really LOVES you and wants nothing but your happiness. I struggled with trusting Him when there was no light at the end of our infertility tunnel. I cried out to Him time and again. Sometimes in anger. Sometimes in need. How relieved I am that God isn't intimidated by our feelings. He knows our thoughts. He sees our need.

And today I can tell you that God knew exactly what He was doing when He had me waiting. Because now, when I look at our little Jesse-Lee, I know that she was planned for me from the very start. God made a way! And I will spend the rest of my life praising Him for her.


Kymberli said...

This post has filled me with such glory and hope that it has brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE your and Robin's view on adoption. She was created for just for you in another's womb. Wow. Such a powerful statement.

Amy said...

I'm just crying reading this. I feel like you spoke to my heart about waiting, about God's perfect timing...God has proved to me over and over again that His plan is better than mine, but still I ask, "When, Lord? Why not now?" I'm really not so good at the being still and waiting, but thank you for reminding me.

Anonymous said...

I have tried to figure out how to express these same feelings. All those failed attempts, all those failed pregnancies, all those years and years of frustration because Zoey was actually the perfect baby for us and we simply had to wait. Had someone told me pre-Zoey that God has a plan I would have politely nodded, and done an internal rolling of my eyes. It's so hard to be still and wait. It's so hard to allow the future to unfold.

God is good.

Wenchy said...


Kelly said...

Sweet post, Char. Just think, someone else got that little boy and they are probably so thrilled.

Ms. J said...

Char, I am sitting in my Chinese hotel room, shaking my head in wonder at Jesse-Lee's breathtaking little face. Truly, He gifted you and Robin.