Going Green

By the time you read this post, we will be on the road to Richards Bay. So, for your viewing pleasure, I've pre-posted these pics of my gorgeous caramel crunch. Because I just know y'all can't go a day without feasting your eyes on my fabulously cute girly.

I could be wrong, but me thinks the girl is teething!

Top Tip for Teething

A little toe-jam goes a long way. Or so Jess says.
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Oh I'm terrible! Before you all go and report me to the Department of Social Welfare, this pic was totally coincidence. My toe just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.

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That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

She gets that from me

People are constantly telling us that Jess looks like Robin.
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What. Ever.
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See Exhibit A below.

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OK, so there is a bit of a resemblance, I'll admit it. I'm not jealous.
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Really.
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OK, so I am a wee bit jealous. Dang, make that a LOT jealous.
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Then again, she does have a super dooper cute character! She gets that from me.
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It's Official!

I just got a phonecall confirming that all the documents were approved and the adoption of Jesse-Lee as a Hillbilly is finally all done! She is OFFICIALLY ours today!

Suspect okie

It's been impossible to get anything done today, on account of my bootie shaking so much! This afternoon we're going to Durban for the weekend! Woot woot! Friends of ours are travelling down to watch the rugby, so we're sponging off of them seeing as we's po hitching a lift down with them. Who could pass up a free ride to the city??? And to see Nolene (Robin's sister) for the last time before her baby is born next Thursday! Woot woot!
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I must tell you... I am SO tempted to send Victor and Lindsay a text message, inviting them to visit jess while we're there, and see their reaction. I wonder if Lindsay would feel comfortable revealing her very preggy belly when she's not certain we know she's preg again? I almost think she'd decline our invitation just to avoid seeing us! Victor, on the other hand, will definitely want to see Jess. And I suspect he might even want to brag about their being pregnant again so soon.
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A day or two after the shock of us hearing the news wore off, I remembered a conversation we had with Lindsay's crisis counselor, where Margo (the crisis counselor) revealed that Victor was very embittered after their signing the official adoption papers releasing Jess into our custody. And he told Margo that he resented us for taking her and it was easy enough for them to just make another baby, and this time keep it for themselves.
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Which would make this predicament of theirs a rather interesting development, indeed. Suspect. Very suspect.
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Makes me wonder if it was "just words" on his part, or if they really didn't go and try to "replace" Jess immediately after they'd parted with her?
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Either way, I want to tell you that the last two days have been strangely calm for me. I don't say that I'm totally "over" it, but I'm certainly not stressed about it anymore. God has given us the most gorgeous little girl! And if He sees fit to give us another one so soon after Jess, then YAY!!!! If not, and Jess's little sister stays with her birthparents, then that's ok by me too. We'll trust in God and in His perfect timing for US. For our little family of three.
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Gosh, don't I sound all grown up?
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I even surprise myself every now and again!

Trawling Crawling! (well, almost...)

Just when I thought that I could go at least another two weeks or so without applying some "No Way, Grey!" to my rapidly appearing granny grey hairs, the sugar booger started doing the "I want to crawl, and I want to crawl NOW!" tango. And this, just a few days after she discovered that she can decapitate people throw objects metres beyond her grasp!

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Lord have mercy!

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We are going to need to keep our wits about us. And an eveready pot of coffee wouldn't hurt either.

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The girl knows what she wants and she aint afraid to scream you into submission go for it either.

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Perhaps I should go ahead and order a crate of "No Way, Grey!" now, before the teen years arrive.

Crisis averted

OK, so I caught a bit of a speed wobble yesterday. I'll admit it. But today I'm totally in control. This "I'm having a baby and you're not!" thing is not going to get the better of me! I will be the bigger person.

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Unpreggy belly notwithstanding.

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I am a good head taller than Lindsay anyways.

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And who knows, maybe she'll totally freak out and beg me to adopt her second baby when the baby is crying all hours of night and keeping the whole household awake (Wishful thinking!) come to her senses and decide to do what's best for the baby, after all.

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Until then, I will take all of my clever friends and family's advice and MOVE ON! Pretend I don't know what's happening in Durban. And just love on my baby banana booger. I am already SO blessed to have her. I am totally grateful for her and could just spend all day kissing her dimpled cheeks!

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So, instead of being bitter and jealous and cross, I am going to be happy! Happy I have Jess and happy that I'm not still waiting for my baby. Happy that she is ours. Happy that Victor and Lindsay chose what was best for Jess. Without them we'd never have had her to begin with! So, I can't be cross with them for their decision this time round.

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And if, for some unknown reason, Victor and Lindsay also catch a speedwobble and need to ask us to adopt baby number two, dang!, I'll be happier still.

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I'm just saying.

Somebody pour me a stiff drink!

I actually don't have the words to express what I'm feeling right now. So I'm just going to tell you what's happening and you can imagine for yourselves how this has impacted us.

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Jesse-Lee's birthmother, Lindsay, is seven months pregnant. And she just found out a few days ago. It is a little girl. And she is keeping the baby this time round. She and Victor (Jesse-Lee's birthfather) are going to move in together and make a little family together.

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Forgive me if I'm sounding jaded and cynical. I'm just sharing the facts with you first. Because somehow I can make sense of this situation better if I just let it all hang right out there. I'll think about this all afterwards. Right now I just need to spill it.

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Ja, so Jesse-Lee was barely even 7 or 8 weeks old when her birthmother conceived again. A little seventeen year-old girl is giving birth to her SECOND child in a year! This fills me with rage and jealousy and anger and resentment and total absolute SHOCK! I cannot process this information. Even as I write these words I am shaking my head and clenching my jaw.

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Lindsay and Victor are going to care for this child, living in an abandoned wharehouse in an industrial area of a rambling city, where they will share ONE room with the rest of his family and ONE toilet with the rest of the tenants in the building. This is what they want for their second child together.

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They say that the pain of parting with Jesse-Lee was too great for them. Although I have never had to give away my baby, so I cannot relate to it, now that I've been a mom, I can well imagine how gut-wrenching that decision must have been for them.

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But what about THE BABY??? What about what's best for the baby? What about what's best for Jess? I look at Jess now, knowing that within 8 weeks she will have a baby sister. And where will her sister be? Over 300 kilometres away, living in squalor, the child of an abusive relationship.

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I am so angry! I know it is probably unreasonable. My head tells me that I shouldn't be so angry. But, dang!, I am! I am furious that Lindsay be given another child when I'm still unable to produce a sibling for Jesse-Lee. Not that we were trying again. But, there was a bit of Hope hanging around, that Jess would not land up being a single child. But that she would know the joy of having a brother or sister to tease her, to keep her company, to love and to laugh with.

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And now she will have the sibling. But without the relationship!

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I am so so SO hurting over this.

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How can Lindsay and Victor be SO selfish that they would deny their second child the opportunity to be cared for properly? To know her sister? To be OURS. Basically that's what I really want to say.

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I want her. I want that baby with every fiber in my being. I want to hold Jess and that baby together on my lap.

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And yet, I have no right whatsoever to even ASK for her.

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I know that I should be grateful we even have Jess. And yes, of course I'm grateful! Of course my heart fills with overwhelming love and adoration and total custard-pumping-madness for my daughter! Of course I'm grateful for her.

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Why, then, am I so upset about this new development?

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I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I am not going to rise in defense of my feelings. I am not going to be defensive about it. I simply feel it and I need to acknowledge it so that I can somehow process it.

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I just can't believe it. Jess is going to have a sister, and she won't be mine.

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I'm heartbroken.

Yeah, she's cute!