Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Somebody pour me a stiff drink!

I actually don't have the words to express what I'm feeling right now. So I'm just going to tell you what's happening and you can imagine for yourselves how this has impacted us.
Jesse-Lee's birthmother, Lindsay, is seven months pregnant. And she just found out a few days ago. It is a little girl. And she is keeping the baby this time round. She and Victor (Jesse-Lee's birthfather) are going to move in together and make a little family together.
Forgive me if I'm sounding jaded and cynical. I'm just sharing the facts with you first. Because somehow I can make sense of this situation better if I just let it all hang right out there. I'll think about this all afterwards. Right now I just need to spill it.
Ja, so Jesse-Lee was barely even 7 or 8 weeks old when her birthmother conceived again. A little seventeen year-old girl is giving birth to her SECOND child in a year! This fills me with rage and jealousy and anger and resentment and total absolute SHOCK! I cannot process this information. Even as I write these words I am shaking my head and clenching my jaw.
Lindsay and Victor are going to care for this child, living in an abandoned wharehouse in an industrial area of a rambling city, where they will share ONE room with the rest of his family and ONE toilet with the rest of the tenants in the building. This is what they want for their second child together.
They say that the pain of parting with Jesse-Lee was too great for them. Although I have never had to give away my baby, so I cannot relate to it, now that I've been a mom, I can well imagine how gut-wrenching that decision must have been for them.
But what about THE BABY??? What about what's best for the baby? What about what's best for Jess? I look at Jess now, knowing that within 8 weeks she will have a baby sister. And where will her sister be? Over 300 kilometres away, living in squalor, the child of an abusive relationship.
I am so angry! I know it is probably unreasonable. My head tells me that I shouldn't be so angry. But, dang!, I am! I am furious that Lindsay be given another child when I'm still unable to produce a sibling for Jesse-Lee. Not that we were trying again. But, there was a bit of Hope hanging around, that Jess would not land up being a single child. But that she would know the joy of having a brother or sister to tease her, to keep her company, to love and to laugh with.
And now she will have the sibling. But without the relationship!
I am so so SO hurting over this.
How can Lindsay and Victor be SO selfish that they would deny their second child the opportunity to be cared for properly? To know her sister? To be OURS. Basically that's what I really want to say.
I want her. I want that baby with every fiber in my being. I want to hold Jess and that baby together on my lap.
And yet, I have no right whatsoever to even ASK for her.
I know that I should be grateful we even have Jess. And yes, of course I'm grateful! Of course my heart fills with overwhelming love and adoration and total custard-pumping-madness for my daughter! Of course I'm grateful for her.
Why, then, am I so upset about this new development?
I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I am not going to rise in defense of my feelings. I am not going to be defensive about it. I simply feel it and I need to acknowledge it so that I can somehow process it.
I just can't believe it. Jess is going to have a sister, and she won't be mine.
I'm heartbroken.


Anonymous said...

OF COURSE you're angry. I was shaking my head reading your post. NOT fair, on so many levels. Have you spoken to them? How do you know so much about what is happening and how they feel? Why don't you feel like you have the right to ask them if you can raise this baby with Jesse-Lee? I mean, it'd be an awkward conversation for sure -- but maybe you should just put it out there. Maybe when they are living in squalor and dealing with a newborn they might decide they can't handle the massive responsibility. It can't hurt to let them know that you'd be thrilled to raise the sisters together should they decide that they can't handle being a family.

Char said...

Hey T. Lindsay's crisis counselor is a friend of ours. So, she let our family know and asked them to let Robin and I know. So, we haven't spoken directly with the birthparents yet. We are still in shock. And really, if we had spoken with them today, I might have said something I shouldn't have. So, I really don't know. I think I should let them know, though, that we would love to raise their second daughter too. If I have the opportunity, I will definitely let them know!!!
P.S. T, I don't have permission to see your blog anymore, and I don't even have your email address. Can you add me?

mrs. r said...

oh man ...this is an unbearable situation, i think. my oldest (adopted) has 4 siblings that were not placed, it's so hard.

i am angry with you if that helps.

i agree with spanglish ...you never know.

Amy said...

I am angry for you. The whole time I was reading I was thinking, "They should give the baby to Char!" I know that may not be reasonable and I understand they have no obligation to do that, but how can they be so selfish? How can they make such a poor choice for their child?

Kelly said...

wow. I can't believe this. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Deb said...

Hey Cuzzie,

I just have to say this!

Firstly I think that you have all the right to be angry. I can't beleive that Lindsay could be so stupid as to fall pregnant again. How does she think she is going to raise a baby in the situation she is in. Do you think perhaps that her falling pregnant this time was intentional?

Secondly I think that you should speak to her and let her know that even though she may have decided to raise this baby herself, that you would love to raise her with her sister Jesse-Lee and should she change her mind, she
must please consider you and Robin.
Maybe after having this baby she will realise the demands a baby has and change her mind. At least she will then know that you are interested.

You are such a great mother to Jess and any child would be blessed to have you as her mother.

Lots of cyber hugs for you,
your cuzzy in RBay

Hanlie said...

Char, I have nothing further to add, Spanglish and Debbie put it perfectly. I agree with them 100%.

Frenchie said...

Char. I am at a loss for words. If I were to find myself in the same situation (if my son's birth-parents became pregnant again and decided to parent) which, COULD VERY WELL HAPPEN--well. I just think I would feel all the feelings you are right now. I've actually been terrified recently that this might happen.

Hold Jesse-Lee close. She is yours and divinely meant to be.

Anonymous said...

That's so sad

Anonymous said...