Friday, 7 March 2008

Body shopping

Warning: infertility issues again.

They're stalking me again. The preggos. Everywhere I turn there is another bulging belly. Big, round, bulging bellies. Everywhere. Even on my favourite teevee shows. It seems I just can't escape this fertile planet. I feel like an alien. Like the only defective species roaming the corridors of a very lush, fertile paradise. Just when I think I've escaped to a place of safety, I get another email. Another pregnancy announcement. Another invitation to another stork party of another person who "fell pregnant when they weren't even trying". I'm sick of it.
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And I'm trying SOOO hard not to be jealous. Or angry. Not to mention bitter and resentful. Those are all the things that I don't want in my cup. And yet my cup overfloweth. In a bad way.
.
Last night I sat through an episode of Private Practice where babies were being born left right and centre. Screaming, angry women bemoaning their pregnancies. And then immediately after that was Desperate Housewives, where Bree's daughter gives birth.
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Can't I even escape to my little teevee world where I can watch my shows and not have to wonder what Robin's thinking while he watches with me???
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I am tired. Tired of having to be ok with it all the time. Tired of there not being an escape. I want to escape. I don't want to have to face my infertility every day. I don't want to have to think about how I've let my hubby down. I don't want to have to smile and ooh and ahh and be happy for others anymore, when all I'm really feeling in that moment is anger and hurt.
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I want to be able to really be happy for them.
I want to be browse through shops without avoiding the baby aisle.
I want to be able to feel like a wife should feel. Like I've been a part of my hubby fulfilling his dreams. Not denying him the very thing he's always wanted more than anything else.
I want to be able to talk with my friends about their children. And actually have something to contribute.
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I just don't want this anymore. This barren body I'm stuck in.
I don't like this body much anymore. (Apart from the boobs, that is.)
And I can't get rid of it.
It follows me wherever I go.
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If anyone knows of someone with a body going on special, let me know please. I'll be the highest bidder. It just better be one that can pop real live healthy babies. Or else I'll be asking for a refund on that one too.

Found this article online - written by a physician to fellow physicians, addressing the psychological impact of infertility on their patients and how they should address their patients facing these challenges. I might as well have written it myself. It is that accurate.


9 comments:

Much Ado said...

Wow, how weird, I watched that exact same episode of Private Practice (never knew that was the proper name for the show, here in Spain it is "Cita sin previa") last night too!!! Do you have FOX where you are?

I totally understand how you are feeling, there is nothing easy about waiting. Praying that God will give you the grace and strength you need as you wait for a child and that soon your arms and heart will be filled.

mrs. r said...

blast. i just left a perfectly articulated comment and then wouldn't you know it "error on page." nothing makes you want to swear like that, does it??

anywho! thank you so much for reading my site! welcome, welcome! i think that you will find that many of the people that read and comment on the r house are "defective species roaming the corridors of a very lush, fertile paradise." you are not alone.

i am so flattered that you added my article as a link. i LOVE that article. i try to highlight an article, talk, book, etc. on adoption and infertility every sunday ...you are welcome back every/any time.

i will add you as one of my adoption friends. from what i can tell, you are thinking about adoption, right? let me know if i am way off.

much love. and hugs on those super hard days. i know a small part of it.

My Goodness said...

I wish I had words to comfort...

((((hugs))))

Carlykins said...

I linked through the r house. She links the world together. Love that women! Needless to say I have gained so much knowledge about infertility and it pains my heart. I am starting to understand it more and more. I can understand to the smallest degree how you are feeling. My friend called me the other day to let me know that her 17yr old daughter had her baby. I felt angry. Angry that she has her baby and is choosing to raise her and that I have all these friends that should be raising this baby. Angry that she has her baby and I don't even though I chose to place. I can't stand prego people and hearing them complain. Or people complain about their husbands. I feel angry towards infertility because it is people like you and your husband that are more qualified to have children then those that do have children. On the other hand life seems so backwards at time. Even though it pains me to have friends that are struggling to have children I am grateful for their trial so that I can have an answer to my heart felt prayers and so that I can be the answers to prayers of people like you and your husband. I pray that you and your husband are blessed shortly to share the love that you have bottled up with a special child of our Heavenly Father. Hope you don't mind my two cents.

Carlykins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Strawberry_Lamb said...

Hugs.

Ms. J said...

Must be something circling the globe right now . . . though I suspect to be hearing more announcements from folks who conceived over Christmas and Valentine's Day (grrrr). Friday was NOT a good day for me -- I received the same "isn't she adorable" newborn baby photo from THREE different people (all of the same baby, we have a mutual colleague, whom I see maybe 3 times a year). I just hit DELETE as quickly as I could and growled out loud.

Lately I have been dealing with these "moments" better than I used to, but Friday put me over the edge a bit.

HUGS!

Mycrazylife said...

Char,

I cannot imagine how hard it must be or how strong and courageous you are to withstand it. I do know that God is a God of miracles and He wants you to have joy and the desires of your heart. Praying that He will answer your prayers and give you happiness and joy overflowing.

Carla said...

what a great article...and how accurate! I'm the only one in my family who ever went through infertility (only one in the extended family). The entire experience has truly changed me, and how I view things in life.