Friday, 14 March 2008

Finding beauty in unexpected places

We are struggling to hold up our heads at the moment. Robin especially. He is heartbroken that it seems our quest to find a social worker to do a home study for us isn't yielding any results. Social workers are just so overworked. They shudder at taking on yet another couple - especially when you live in the sticks. Three hours from the nearest city. There are three social workers in Dundee, but do you think any of them are even available telephonically? Nope.
I guess I wasn't expecting to get immediate results - or maybe I've hardened my thick skin enough that I am not nearly as disappointed as Robin at this stage. Maybe I'm not really expecting a good outcome. Either way, I'm nowhere near as depressed as my hubby.
What does eat at me though is - when Robin's hurting or angry about the situation, I struggle to distance myself from playing the Blame Game with myself. You know how it goes. If it wasn't for me, he'd have been a father already. I wonder if he's angry at me for denying him the chance to be a father? I wonder if he'd prefer to be with someone else? Maybe he wants to leave me? Maybe he's waiting for me to do something wrong so that he can... Ugh. Awful. And that's what's got my head hanging. It's my stupid body's fault that I can't have babies. Not his.
And that makes it very very hard to be ok, when he's not.
Because even though my head says "stop being ridiculous"... my heart is breaking. For my hubby. For me too. But even more because of how I've let my hubby down.
And so I spend my days searching for beauty and things to make me smile. This email brought me a huge smile this morning. And also a few tears.

In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?

(The pics in the email have a 2004 date stamp, so I guess it's a very old story. This was the first time I read it.)

I wonder if there are a few "piggies" out there for me somewhere?


My Goodness said...

Wow, that is a neat story, I've never seeen it before now.

I have never been in your shoes...but for some reason, this is the path that GOD chose for you. (He will not give you more than you can handle - use this time to draw near to him and pray for your husband.) You did not choose this, please don't beat yourself up; easier said than done, I'm sure.

I will pray for you...

P.S. Thank you for the compliments on my blog design...I've been goofin' around with it...I'm learning a lot! I love YOUR design with the awesome photos...haven't learned how to do that!

Maria said...

OMG, what a beautiful story! I'm so shocked that she didn't kill them, but she obviously really needed something to love. I agree, any piggies for me!?

I know what you mean about feeling like you're the cause of your hubby's pain. I feel like that often. I'm the reason, it's my fault. It really sucks feeling that way. But usually when I do, I flat out ask Cole if he's angry with me, if he wished he could trade me in. And every time he says, he can live with out children, but he can't live without me. It's incredibly sweet. But it still doesn't stop me from wondering.

I'm praying for you and hoping that you and your hubby can talk and be open and that you can find a social worker.

Frenchie said...


I've been in the same place, and asked myself the same question. After my miscarriage and my "old, crappy eggs" diagnosis, I flat out told my husband that he should go find a younger, more fertile wife. Ugh.

Why do we de-value ourselves so much around this issue? I know it is HUGE...I'm not trying to diminish it, but, is it not also an amazing gift to have the resilience, the faith, the openness and the love that we have--the Mothering instinct that is ALREADY there--ready to love and nurture our tiger cubs or a little piglet, either way, with all the love that we have? If it weren't for women like us, what would happen to all the little piglets that deserve to be loved and cherished?

If there weren't women like you with huge hearts, who wanted to love a child more than anything, then no child would ever be adopted. And that would be a tragic, tragic thing...

You are an amazing person. Robin is lucky.

I'm hoping you will have a piglet of your own to love very soon. And who knows, maybe a tiger cub for each of us one day as well. ;0)

Cheryl Wray said...

Oh my goodness, that has got to be the coolest story and the SWEETEST pictures!!!

I can understand the guilt that you feel; I'm sure it's natural to some degree. But, don't let yourself get stuck feeling that way. Realize that you are special, of value, and loved regardless of anything. And I will pray that your marriage will be become even stronger because of these challenges!

Carlykins said...

this broke my heart! That story is so sweet. How incredible. Our nature as parents are amazing , animal or human. I am sad that your heart is breaking and that you are enduring these thoughts. How natural they seem. I am so amazed at couples that struggle to have children. They are definitely more qualified to have children for reason like these. That they stick together through times that are tough. I hope you find peace knowing your hubby does want to be with you and that these thoughts don't consume you too long.

Melissa said...

What an amazing story! And yes, there are "piggies" out there for you. I take comfort in the fact that I believe the babies I someday end up with (whether through IVF, adoption, etc.) are the babies i was MEANT to have. I know it's crap to hear "it will happen when the time is right..." That just doesn't bring any comfort...but remember that we're all here for you! hugs and prayers!

Ms. J said...

Oh honey, I am sor sorry you are stuck on these thoughts again. I actually have the opposite problem (hubby is the cause). Might you try to reframe it in your mind, and ask how you would feel if it were Robin who was "the problem" -- would you love him less? Of course not. I know this is easier to say than do, but maybe you will give it some thought. He loves you very much, and you him.

Katrin said...

That is sooooo cute!!!

I know you must've heard this before, but don't put the blame on you! Things will turn out the best. :)

Kelly said...

hang in there, Char. I'm still praying for you and Robin.

Anonymous said...

I had seen the photos before, and did not know the story behind them. I thought for sure they were digitally doctored, but I suppose not. That tigress moves me.

You do, too. I totally understand how you feel.

Mycrazylife said...

Hey Char!

I'm praying you and hubby are hanging in there. God is with you and remember that although we suffer greatly at times, He knows are pain and it is NOT His desire for us.

Give it to Him and don't beat yourself up. You know you have no control over this. Lay it at the cross and find joy for just today. Tomorrow is a new day, with new circumstances.

Tom said...

I know that some day the Lion will lay down with the Lamb, but I never thought that the Tiger would lay down with the Ham.

I enjoy your blog and I pray that your baby bally-hoo is boss. Bye!


Carla said...

what an amazing story! wow!!!