How far we've come!

I sometimes forget just how far we have come, from even just a year and a half ago, to this day. I might get frustrated at Jess and seriously consider growling at her, or I get annoyed when I need to climb out of bed four or five times at night to see to her... and then I was reminded of how badly my heart ached to be able to do these things... to feel a little hand pulling at my jeans, or see those little lips puckered up for a smooch just from me! And I can kick myself for even getting slightly annoyed! Allow me to share an excerpt (or fifty) with you, from my prayer journal.

25 October 2006

Dear Father in Heaven, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit,

I don't know what to say, but please forgive me. I have been (indirectly) SO angry at You again, that You didn't intervene and allow me to have Jodi-Lee. But at the same time I've been asking You to help me to trust You. I've been struggling, Lord. But You haven't left my side. I've been trying to trust You through it all, but on my own steam, when I really needed to be crouching at Your feet in submission and begging Your intervention and grace. My heart has been in rebellion to You. but You are SO gracious and kind - selfless - that You laid down EVERYTHING to redeem me at great cost - Your own blood! - How can I then rebel against You for not intervening in this one aspect for me? O God, thank You for teaching me that "the glory that shines from Jesus' face is the glory of selfless love. [Your] sacrifice on Calvary shows that the law of selfless love is the law of life for earth and heaven. This selfless love comes straight from the heart of God." {from the book called 'Messiah' chapter 1} So, when I am selfish it is because I am not activated by YOUR heart and spirit. If you live in me, selflessness will be my natural tendency. Oh God, please come and live in me again! Please may I be led of Your Spirit and be living in Your presence and freely give my rebellious heart's desires and trust You selflessless with that which I desire more than anything in this world: a baby. Please God, I am so tired of hurting with this. I just want to give it to You once and for all and experience peace in the certainty that You know what You're doing. After all, You are GOD! There is no higher authority! Oh God, pleeeeeeeeez: make me Yours. Please help me to surrender daily and so to love and trust You more every day. Please God, because this is what You desire for me. And because this is exactly what Jesus died to accomplish. A renewed trusting relationship with me. And please, Lord, let it begin NOW.

In Jesus name,

amen.

December 2006

Dear Father in Heaven

What an amazing God You are, and for so long I have lost sight of it. I just want to praise You for helping me through this week. I have FINALLY given up on trying to be pregnant and what a relief it has been for me. You are teaching me what it means to trust You again. Please Lord, don't stop now. You know what You're doing. You know what's best and help me to keep remembering that. Thank You so much!

Amen

26 June 2007

Lord God,

It's astounded me that it has been more than six months since I last wrote in my prayer journal! It is also six months since we stopped trying to get pregnant. Has it also been six months since I last trusted You with my heart's desire??? Has it been six months since I lost myself in You, or has it been even longer?

This has been the hardest time of our lives and I wonder if maybe that's because I didn't really have You in it? You must be so sick and tired of hearing me rededicate my life to You. But I honestly don't know what else to do! I don't know the right way anymore and I can't trust myself to stick by it. Instead, I simply need You in my life, Lord Jesus. I need to know You, so that I will remember how to love You and trust You again. It has been years of this now... I look back in my prayer journal and I am ashamed. I am embarrassed at the monotony of it and that I haven't allowed You the space to work in me. O God, please forgive me! Help me to start anew with You. I really need You leading me. All my efforts have been futile and yet You have remained faithful. You have lifted me up on my weakest days and carried me. And more importantly, You have sustained my life up until now, so that I would have this opportunity to repent. What an awesome God You are!!! You are amazing. Thank You Father in heaven. Thank You for this opportunity to start again. I am so grateful. Please take this gratitude and allow it to grow into Love for You and trust. I want to be saved by You. You have promised that You began a good work in me and that You will be faithful to complete it. Please Lord, would you restart the "factory" again in me, reproducing Your likeness in me. I want my heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh.

For Your glory, Lord!

amen

25 Jan 2008

Lord Jesus,

Perhaps the solution to my see-saw devotions is to stop looking back and to just focus on what You have done for me, today, and to not put pressure on myself for the future? What do You think? Because I seriously don't trust myself to stay devoted to You! On the contrary - YOU never change! Your feelings toward me haven't changed. You died for me already 2000 years before I was even born! How incredible of You! You know the awful path I am bent on and You know where it's leading me. I am so inconsistent! It's always either fervor or failure with me, isn't it? Where is the happy medium? Although, now, when I think of it, that would be lukewarm, wouldn't it? And You've already told us that conclusion. So Lord, all I can do is fall on You, the Rock, and be broken. I am already broken, Lord. This body of mine don't work too good! :o) It's only You who can piece me back together again.

So, help!

Please Lord!

amen

17 March 2008

Father in Heaven

Sometimes I wonder what Your plan is for me. I am trying to trust You. My head tells me that You are God and that You know what You are doing. So I should trust You. But my heart is still breaking! Every baby I see is a fresh reminder. I feel a bit shattered, Jesus. I am REALLY struggling with this again. Where is the baby for us??? What is Your plan??? Whta must we do? It feels as if everything we do gets a green light, but then it just falls through as we move forward. What must we do? Is it just to trust You? I must admit, that is one of the hardest things! Please God, help me to trust You then. If that is all You require, I am going to need Your help with that. Because I am failing dismally. Lord Jesus, please intercede for us and for me in God's throne room! Holy Spirit - I so need You! Without You, this is all hopeless!

Otherwise there's nothing left in this life for me!

amen

27 March 2008

Dear Father in Heaven

The way You are opening doors for us to become adoptive parents just astounds and excites me!!! Oh God, how awesome You are!!! You ask - will I still be faithful to You if You didn't do this for me... I want to answer 'yes' because that's what I have tried to do in these last six or seven years, when we made no progress in the babymaking department. You know how my very heart cried out to You in anguish. You saw me. You still do. And, o God, will this time be You answering 'Yes' ? I pray it is. Oh God, grant Robin and I a family to love. Please Jesus! You created us and told us to have children. Why would You then withold the very thing You have commanded? Especially when miracles are Your specialty? Lord God in heaven, please will You open the doors for us? I already have my heart set on this little baby! But Father, You know the future. Please Lord, if THIS is the baby for US, please let the birthmom sign the consent forms. We have hurt so much in this journey! Lord Jesus, You heart Rachel's prayer and opened her womb. You heard Hannah's prayer too. You heard Abraham and Sarah. Hear me now, Lord. Please. This is my prayer. I know You CAN! But will You? Please Lord, do! And God, I really want to mean this: Your will, not mine.

Help me to mean it?

Amen

28 March 2008

Dear Lord God

I am so excited about the possibilities for us and for the meeting on Tuesday. O Lord I am like a stuck record! But Lord, can I hide anything from You? No. You see my need. You know that we would teach our child(ren) about You. And so, God, please grant us children to love. Fill our home with them so that we can lead them to YOu and so that we will also finally understand the kind of Fatherly love You have for us. How else could we realize the magnificent power of unconditional love?

Amen

9 April 2008

Lord God

Thank You so much for leading and guiding. I want to praise Your holy name. You are eternal, everlasting, all-knowing, all-powerful. You are love. You invented happiness and peace. Without You, that is impossible.
I have read of Your character this morning in Psalm 102. It tells of Your Godness. And then it says in verse 17: "I know that You will respond to the pleas of Your people and that You will not let their prayers go unanswered." Father in Heaven, I know You have heard the pleas of Your people crying out on our behalf. You hear them. You see the birthmom and her unborn child. You know that baby's character. You knit her together in her birthmom's womb. You are the Creator and Giver of Life. Is this the baby for us? Would Y ou give us this little life to love and nurture?

I promise (not as a bargaining tactic) that if You do, o Lord, "What You do will be written down (by me on my blog) for coming generations, and people...will read it and praise You for it." Psalms 102 v 18 with my words in brackets.

For Your glory, Lord Jesus, Father and Holy
Spirit!

.

10 April 2008

Father in Heaven

I am growing to love our time together every morning. Thank You for giving me another day, Lord Jesus. You give me the ability to get out of bed every morning and You fill me with peace. It is Your peace, Lord, which has made me calm as we wait on the birthmom's decision. Please Lord, will You lead us? And especially the birthmom's family. Warm their hearts toward us if this is Your will, so that this decision will be an easy one for them. Thank You Lord for everyone who is praying with us, and thank You Lord, that it is a little girl!!!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

.

17 April 2008

Lord Jesus,

You have opened SO many doors for us to get to this point... You pulled strings to get the other couple out of the picture, who the birthmom had originally chosen as the family for her unborn child. You arranged for our profile to get into her hands. You arranged it months ago that the birthmom's crisis counselor became our friend and then You orchestrated that she also became the birthmom's crisis counselor! You made the birthgranny frustrated enough that she wanted to set up a meeting with us, even though in the social worker's eyes that's not done. And then You made it possible for us to meet with the birthmom and the birthdad too! How many doors You have already opened for us!!! It is so exciting!!! You are answering our prayers. Oh Lord, but now, oh how HARD it is becoming to just sit back and wait while they make a decision! The longer they take, the more I am inclined to think that they aren't choosing us as the family for their baby. Oh God, I am trusting You in all of this, but I am going to be honest when I tell You that this waiting is working on me now. It is grinding on my emotions and I am feeling heartbroken, even though we haven't had an answer yet and they might even still say yes. But at this stage we don't know. And that's the hard part. Waiting. And not knowing. And Lord, You know. You are in control. You know already what they are going to decide. O God, please do this for Robin and I so that I can tell everyone what You have done for us! O Lord, please stretch out Your mighty arm and open their hearts and minds to us, and SOON! Please Lord, TODAY! O Lord, please take this burden of waiting from us. Thank You Lord that You will make Your decision on how to answer this prayer with YOUR will in mind, because You know what's best and because You are teaching me how to trust You again. So God in Heaven, be merciful to me and Robin, please. Look on us with pity, Lord, so that we can be parents, so that we can give this baby a name that will honor You and so that we can teach her to love You and she can be saved by Your grace. O God, please open the doors! Please Lord, look upon us with mercy and favour. May our lives be a testimony to Your grace and power and love.

Please Lord, also be with the birthmom especially today.

Bless her and watch over the little baby.

Please, pick us!!!

Please Jesus.

Please.

.

18 April 2008

O Lord!!! Thank You!!! My heart soars in praise to You! You have given us this baby!!! I am so excited and amazed and blessed! So much more than I deserve. This is all only blessing! And so, Father we are going to name her somthing that praises You for the rest of her life:

Jesse-Lee

Jesse meaning "Gift from God" and Lee being Robin's family name, passed down from every firstborn to every firstborn. So, every time we say her name we will be praising You for the gift of her. Praising You! For ever!

Oh, thank You Lord!

Thank You!

Thank You!

And that is how we came to have little Jesse-Lee in our life. The biggest blessing ever! I stand in awe of God when I read back in my prayer journal. What a long journey we walked with God until He blessed us with little Jesse-Lee. How humbling it is to consider that God - the CREATOR of the entire universe - chose us to be the family for little Jesse-Lee. He knit her together in her mother's womb with US in mind. How very humbling and awe-inspiring. I pray daily that God will make Robin and I the kind of parents who will honour His decision to have us parent her. Our gift from God.

News!

Gawsh, sorry guys. I was totally AWOL for a few days. Robin and I were down in Durban for the next doctor's appointments with the birthmom and we landed up staying longer than we expected... Remind me never to go to Durban for a day, expecting to return that afternoon and then having to sleep over and not even have a spare change of rods with for the next day. Mmm... Not too pleasantsmelling. We went and bought some underwear, and a toothbrush each... luckily we had forgotten some clothes at my inlaws' home the previous time we slept over, so we each had a fresh shirt to wear. Needless to say, I have learned my lesson. And so have my nostrils.

Anyhoo...

But we have BRILLIANT news. Bril. Liant. I am soooo excited. OK, so the baby is breach. Which means that I won't be the cheerleading team in the delivery room anymore, because the birthmom will now be having a caesarian section next Friday the 30th of May! Never have I been SO happy to get bad news before. I'm blaming my nerves for this one. I was so relieved that I wouldn't have to be shouting "push! push! hee hee! hoo hoo! push! breathe!" that I almost broke out into a moonwalk accross the doctor's rooms when she said that there's no chance for normal delivery.

Which just goes to show that I still haven't quite outgrown my penchant for 80s music.

Also, big bonus: now we also have a definite date for Jesse-Lee's birth too! Which means that Robin and I won't have to accumulate a few speeding tickets as we drive down from Dundee to Durban when Lindsay goes into labour. (If Jesse-Lee had arrived prem, of course). AND, Lindsay doesn't want to have an epidural, so, at this stage it looks like she will go under general anaesthetic, so she will sleep through the "birth" and not even hear Jesse-Lee's first cries! Of course, that's not entirely certain yet, but at this stage, it sounds like that is the plan.

Seriously, if all my wishes keep coming true like this, I might be winning the lotto soon at this rate.

On with the good news. OK, so now Jesse-Lee is arriving next Friday. I will obviously be in the surgery with the birthmom (Lindsay). I will then accompany little Jesse-Lee from the moment she's born onwards. Which means that I will be sleeping in the hospital's nursery like all the other moms until we get the "get out of jail free card" and can come home. Lindsay will be in the post-operative recovery ward, not in the moms ward. Our official adoption date is Monday the 2nd of June at 14h00 South Africa time. By then, little Jesse-Lee will have her birth certificate, and all relevant parties will be required to appear in court for the redtape and paperwork to be completed. THEN, I get to come home with my baby! Yay!!!!! MY baby! I am so excited. Of course they get 60 days after the courtdate to reconsider, but they really aren't in any position to reconsider. They live in shocking circumstances of poverty, and right now there is no way they can possible rethink their decision to place the little girl for adoption. Which makes me feel very relieved, obviously, but sort of like a bit of a scavenger for being so happy that they can't keep her! That's the nature of adoption though, so I mustn't dwell on it.

Other good news: our police clearance has been sent to us and we will be in possession of the certificates tomorrow morning already! How good is God? I just stand back in amazement when I see the doors swinging so wide open for us all the time. Every time we have taken something relevant to the adoption to Him in prayer, He has opened the doors for us. I have NO doubts whatsoever that this little baby was intended for our family. Every day we are seeing answers to our prayers and I just praise Him every step of the way. Wow.

What else do I have to share with you? My friend Charlene (sorry, my linky isn't working, but her blogaddress is: http://heathelsa.blogspot.com/ ) mailed me with a whole list of questions... So I better check that I haven't skipped anything!

About the little boy... Right now nothing is forthcoming. At the moment his mom (Michelle) knows that she needs to give him up for adoption, but just can't. Shame, it's heartbreaking! The poor woman. I can't imagine spending two months bonding with your baby after he's born, and nine months before that, and then having to make such a heartwrenching decision. So we are stepping back and allowing her to make her decision in her own time. And if she ever gets to the point where she's ready to be dealing with social workers, etc. then we'll get involved again. We haven't met her or the little boy, which is much better. We'll only meet her if she starts seriously pursuing adoption for him. For now, Robin and I don't really think that anything's going to come of it. But at this stage we aren't too heartbroken over it. We are trusting in God on this one too, and as soon as we know something more, of course, as usual, you'll be the first to know.

Because, as you all know, I am totally incapable to keeping anything from you. Not even my dirty clothes that I had to wear for two days in a row because we didn't pack an overnight bag.

I also got my galactogogues yesterday while we were in Durban and started popping dem pills immediately so that hopefully my boozies will produce some boob-juice by the time Jesse-Lee arrives! And - woot woot! - they are actually prescription tranquilizers that have lactation as a side-effect! So, guess who is sooooper doooooper relaxed today? No prizes for guessing correctly, guys. Hint: has super-hot boozies and wears stinky dirty clothes for two days in a row. Me thinks these galactogogues are going to be ranking right up there with cappuccinos and David Cook soon. Speaking of which, if my booty doesn't stop shaking from all the happiness soon, I might need to pop a few more galactogogues / tranquilizers to slow down and stop doing the happy-that-I'm-going-to-be-a-mommy-soon-and-happy-that-David-Cook-won-and-happy-that-I-am-wearing-clean-clothes-and-that-I-smell-good dance. Because at this rate, I'm going to shake something loose soon. And it probably won't be footloose either. Although it does fit into the fave-80s-tunes category.

Ok, I really need to go now because I'm starting to talk rubbish. I'm blaming the tranquilizers. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Counting my chickens and babyclothes

Well, I certainly got my money's worth with those pills for my Stress Spots. (I should think so, at that price!) And I've even been sleeping too! Bonus! I need to get as many ZZZzzz's in now as possible, before the babies come home. It's min dae* now. Yay! In the meantime I've been keeping myself busy doing a stocktake of all the baby clothes. Yes, again. How anal am I? OK, don't answer that.

This is a portion of the clothes and bedding etc. that we have for the babies... I'm going to return all the duplicates we've been given, as well as any clothes that still have their tags on that I have enough of. Then I can also exchange it for more 'neutral' things that little boys AND girls can wear. Just in case everything falls into place for the little boy to becomes ours too. There are still a few questions there, so I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. But at the same time I'm planning as if he is ours already. Hectic. All these "ifs" are going to drive me loopy.

For example, IF we get him, I am going to stop working at the end of this month already - yup, in two weeks time. If we don't get him, I'll probably carry on working, but flexi-time. Which would mean that I'd still be earning dosh, which we reallllly need, but if we get the two, there's no way I'll be able to juggle two babies and work. Not to mention sleep! So, I'll sort-of have to stop working. Which actually suits me fine, what with my lazy, unambitious tendencies and all. Not that I'm going to get much rest, but frik!, I've been waiting my whole life to become a mommy, so nothing is going to stop me from enjoying every financially bankrupt, sleepless moment along the way!

I laugh in the face of danger, y'all.

I must tell you about something though that just shows me all over again that God has His finger in this pie of ours... As you know, our social worker was supposed to come and do our home study this past week. Well, the day before she was supposed to come to do the home study, she found out that she has colon cancer. So sad! I've been praying for her, and you all can too ok? Anyway, the way this impacts on our adoption is that she can no longer come to do the home study. But she will prepare our report just overlooking the fact and hopefully the judge/magistrate on the day of the adoption just won't ask about it. If he or she asks about it, then we'll tell the truth. But if he or she doesn't ask, well, then we'll let sleeping dogs lie and all of that. But, the way that the timing has been a blessing to us is that we would have had to pay approximately R4000 for the homestudy to be completed, including the social worker's time, travel, etc. And now? Well, we just won't be doing it anymore! Can you believe it? Of course, I know that God didn't cause Debbie to get cancer... But it just astounds me how He knew that she would find out the day before her trip to us in the bush, and helped to pan things out that the timing wouldn't allow her to complete the study for us! And in so doing save us four thousand smackaroos! Tell me that's not God's helping us! I just praise Him all day long.

Please pray with us about the Police Clearance too? We should have had it weeks ago already, but still nothing has arrived. Will you ask God with us to sort this out for us? It's out of our hands and it's making me a bit dippy.

Anyhoo... I'll chat again tomorrow. Enjoy the last of your weekend, guys. I'm going to get back to my stocktaking. Again. Just in case I've missed something.

Instinct (and some pics)

It was my Mother Bear instincts that kicked in yesterday. I think it was also the deciding factor for me about accepting the little boy or not. See, our neighbour (on the farm next door to us, with the zebras) got wind that we were offered a little boy in addition to the little girl and phoned to ask if she could come and visit. First time ever that she came for a visit too! So, I was a bit curious about why the sudden visit? What I never knew was that she was struggling with infertility! She lives about a kilometre away from me and I just never knew! But how is this for a coincidence? She was getting treatment from the very same doctors as I was, in Durban. I mean, there's a team of doctors that work at the Life Centre (300 kilometres away!), and out of that team, she was working with the very same doctors at the very same practise as were on my case! How crazy is that coincidence?

Oh, my heart just broke for her! She said that it was the first time she'd ever spoken to anyone about her feelings. She and I shared our stories with each other, and many a tear were shed. But I realized while we were chatting, that though I understood EVERYTHING she said; though I shared a "been there, done that" t-shirt with her, I was already on "the other side". She already looked at me in much the same way as many of us infertiles look at those lucky ones who have gone on to become pregnant and have their dreams come true. She was envious of me! It was such a weird, awkward realization for me! Almost like, I no longer fit in the category of infertile anymore! Such a strange, out of sorts feeling. I mean, I am still one hundred percent totally incapable of having a baby pop from my own loins, but now I am getting two! Two precious little bundles that will call me Mommy. Me! How did that even happen? I'm telling you, it was all God. This can only be God's doing! And it just makes me want to sing His praises at the top of my lungs!

So, anyway, there we were sitting, dishing out tissues ten to the dozen, and then she piped up in a warbly, squeaky, too-afraid-to-even-ask little voice: "Char, are you sure that you want this little boy too?" and in her eyes I saw that kind of hope lurking, that only someone at the very edge of their resources has - a steady, quiet, determined type of desperation that prompts you to do things you would normally never do; that would prompt her to say, if given a chance, that she wanted him more than me. She never said it, but I felt it in her quiet little question. And that's when my Mother Bear Instinct kicked in. And I steeled my heart and said "Yes, I want him. With all my heart I want him. If I can have him, I will."

I told Robin later, when my defences were down again, that she was unwittingly the person who pushed me over the edge of indecision. Call it greed. Call it selfish. But I have a choice. And I've chosen him. I want him. And if I can, I will take him and love him till I breathe my very last breath. And then I will love him for eternity afterwards, when Jesus raises us from the dead at the resurrection. If God gives us these two little babies, I will treat them like the treasures they really are. Gifts from God Himself.

---

Time for some pics of our progress in the nursery. But first I want to show you some really nifty things that I bought for the nursery that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE! It's weird how I always sort of had an idea of how I wanted to decorate my nursery one day if I ever fell pregnant and now that I'm preparing for our baby(s), my ideas are totally different to what I thought I'd like. And boy oh boy has my Nesting Instinct kicked in! It's kicking butt actually. (Almost as strongly as my Mother Bear Instincts, but a bit more frantic!) Anyhoo... So, I love storage and clever ways to make storage pretty. I found this AWESOME retro funky box and I just couldn't resist it. So I bought it on the spot. It now serves as my inspiration reference for everything we're making in the nursery.

Above: Inspiration Box

And then I went and chose some paint thingy-majiggies so I could choose the wall colours. I am still a bit undecided, but we have a thick chunky warm rug for the floor (because at the moment we have HORRIBLE cream lino floor tiles on the floor and I need something to hide them away. I console myself with the fact that they aren't green. Or grey. Or worse: patterned! Ugghhhh!... we're hoping to tile out the house soon, and then hopefully we will be forever rid of the dreaded lino floor tiles). But the rug we have is peach. Which just isn't my colour at all. But we'll work with it. Here are the paint sample thingy-me-bobs:-

Obviously I won't choose dark colours for the walls... but I don't want a pink room. Which is just as well, seeing as we might be adding a little boy to the room too! Yay! Once I've made my decision and started painting, I'll show you some pics again ok?

And then, I thought, well, let me paint all the wooden furniture white. And allow the room colours to be dictated by the accessories, rather than the furniture. So I painted even the toybox white... And then it looked bland to me. So I've pimped my toybox a bit too! haha. I couldn't resist. So, now it matches my inspiration box a bit! But that will be the only "wild" furniture in the room.

And then I bought some more nifty storage baskets. These will eventually go on the "bookshelf" next to the changing table, along with my inspiration box. At the moment they are just stashed in the cupboards with the other baby stuff, while I paint the bookshelf white. What a job! But eventually they will have a pretty spot to sit on.

We've been busy with plenty more too, but I thought I'd save a few photos for another day. And for when the room is looking a bit more loved and organized. I just can't believe that this stuff is all ours! Not someone else's for their baby. But ours. How lifechanging! Have I mentioned how excited I am??? (And poepbang at the same time?)

Choices choices...

It's like a yoyo this side. One minute we are so totally grabbing the little boy and adopting him too - the next minute we're poepbang (South African for scared as all, well, youknowwhat). Oh my word! Can you actually believe that this is happening? Because if you can't believe it, just imagine how shellshocked we must be. Oh my word.

We have sort of decided that we will adopt him, if Lindsay (the birthmom of Jesse-Lee) is ok with the idea. You guys are quite wise, you know! We hadn't even really thought of how it would impact Lindsay's decision to choose us, if we had another baby in the house. So, next week Wednesday, when we get together with Victor and Lindsay again, we will approach them and ask them if it would influence their decision if little Jesse-Lee would be getting a brother pretty soon afterwards too. If they say no, they don't like the idea, then we'll say no. We have already spoken to Debbie (our social worker) and she says it sounds fantastic! And she would be able to piggy back the two adoptions simultaneously.

Oh my word! Can you even believe we are considering this??? I know. Me neither!

Wow, what a different Mother's Day this Sunday is going to be, compared to all the previous Mother's Days! Yay! I can't wait!

How do I say this?

Robin and I are reeling right now. I don't even know where to begin telling you. And so I'm just going to plunge right in and say it:

Lindsey and Victor chose us!
We are going to be parents on the 9th of June!

We are naming her

Jesse-Lee

because Jesse means "Gift from God" or "God's Gift" and Lee because every firstborn on Robin's side of the family for the last four generations have had Lee as their second name. We are double-barrelling it so that it is more feminine.

Oh, praise God with us for His mercy and kindness and love! He has been so merciful to us. He is blessing us with a baby girl for His glory. Oh my word!!! We are going to be parents!!! Oh my word!!!

A Policeman named Speedy Gonzales

So I asked you all to pray for God to open the doors for police clearance to come through quickly? Are you ready for this? Last night I got an sms from a friend who knows someone who works in the Police Criminal Records Department. They can fast-track the Police Clearance for Robin and I, and what should take 8 - 12 weeks will now only take one week! Praise God! Need I say more? I am just totally astounded by His interventions for us. Wow.

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Speechless I am.
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Wow.
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Keep praying and praising with us ok?

Fast track

Today we are fasting. (I was dead nervous about fasting, what with my insatiable desire to eat all day and all... I am totally addicted to food. I couldn't live without it! hehe. But it's going way better than I thought it would. We're having a fruit fast - in other words we abstain from all food except fruit and nuts. Much easier. Especially if you have P.C.O.S. and your blood sugar is unstable. Ask me about it!)

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I must tell you about something that made the hairs on my teeth stand on end. God is leading is such amazing ways! I shouldn't be surprised though, because He is GOD, after all... and yet, this enormous, incredible, awe-inspiring God, that very same One, He is listening to our prayers and answering! Wow. It really humbles me.

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So anyway. I have this friend. Her name is Stephné and we are like peas and carrots. We look different, but we are both vegetables so similar in many many ways. Both studied art and graphics. Both love men who are outdoorsy. Both are musical. Both are beautiful. Just kidding. She's beautiful, I'm hillbilly-like. But, it's in our personalities that most of the similarities lie. You know how sometimes two people are just totally on the same frequency? Well, that's me and Steph. Uh, Steph and I. You know what I mean. So, Steph has been praying with us about Maybe Baby. Yesterday morning I was impressed with 1st Samuel chapter 2 v 6, after I'd read the first two chapters of 1st Samuel. And so I blogged about it, and emailed my friends who don't read my blog regularly. Steph immediately responded with this email:-

Hi Rob & Char,

Thank you for sharing your prayers, hopes, desires and dreams with us we are pleased that we can be a part of your "Prayer Warriors" group of close friends as we regard you the same way. I find it so interesting that this morning, I committed to making a very serious effort with morning devotions and am happy to report that by the Lord's strength and support alone I was able to get up at 5am and spend time in reading and prayer, the passage I read was 1 Samuel 1 & 2 and I too paused on the verses you have taken courage from; isn't that cool?! We will certainly remember you in our daily prayers and will fast with you on Wednesday too.

Lots of love
Steph

Wow, the hairs on my teeth all stood up in neat little rows when I read that. She was impressed to read the very same passage as I was. OK, to you maybe that would just seem like coincidence. I just believe that God is comforting me and reassuring me that He really is guiding. And that the verse is pertinent to what He wants me to know right now. And that is that He is the Giver of Life. He is Life. And I need to trust Him. And to trust Him with the Life He will provide.

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This morning Steph sent me this sms (text message):-

Thank You Father that You will bless this woman with endless treasures (Isaiah 2) and never allow her to fall (Psalm 66). Meet all her needs according to Your riches (Philippians 4) and reveal to her Your secret (Colossians 2) and Your endless love for her. Spoil her and make her feel special. Thinking of you both today. Love Steph.

What amazing friends we have! I am so blessed.

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Incidentally, there's one more thing we need you to add to your prayer list. We need to get police clearance for the adoption proceedings. And, since Robin and I hijacked a bus a few months ago and robbed a few banks and have been running from the law ever since, that's going to be a bit challenging. Just kidding. Oh what a kidder I am. OK OK, before you all start sighing and disappear for good, the challenge is this - police clearance in South Africa takes between two and three months to come through. Which means that this Maybe Baby in Durban will already have been born and given to another family by then. Please pray with us for a miracle, and that the police clearance will come through almost immediately. "With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible." Matthew 19 v 26

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I'm sorry if this blog has become a bit stuck-record-like. I don't know when this blog will resume it's normal frivolous chit-chat. For now, it's all about the Maybe Baby(s).

Maybe Baby update again

Robin and I went to visit Maybe Baby (number 1 - yes, there is more than one now!) at the baby shelter in Johannesburg on Thursday. She is a beautiful four-week-old little girl, named Angel (surname withheld for privacy). It was heartwrenching to see this little girl, wrapped in blankets and lying in a crib, knowing that her birthmom doesn't really care what happens with her. The ladies who work at the shelter told us that it's very likely that Angel has HIV. She is also a crack-baby and is in the throes of detox right now. It is heartbreaking. Robin and I have taken a decision that we will not adopt if the baby has HIV. What a horrible decision to take. But, honestly, we don't have the financial ability to care for a baby with such special needs. Anti-retroviral treatments cost an arm and a leg. And we would just shrivel up and die if she were to die shortly after we grow to love her. But we made some good contacts while we were there and left feeling like even if this baby doesn't become ours, things will still work out fine for us.

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It's so weird to sit here writing about something that moved us so much, only to have it sound so shallow and arbitrary when I read over it!

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And then, also last week, I heard about a local teenaged girl who is pregnant and whose family are dirt poor and cannot afford to keep the baby. And then to add fuel to the fire of their decision, the little girl went for a scan and found out that she is pregnant with twins. So, there is another possibility. Remote possibility, but a possibility nonetheless. So, that's Maybe Babies numbers 2 and 3.

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Maybe Baby number 4 we found out about from a friend of ours in Durban who counsels teenagers in crisis. She let us know about a girl in Durban, who is looking for a family for her child. Together, Lesley and her social worker have already turned down a few families because they aren't Christians, and she specifically wants her baby to be adopted by a Christian family. Hello! Pick meeeeee! The baby is due to be born in a few weeks time, so time is VERY short. As you all know, the adoptive process is a very long and complicated story, with all sorts of red tape, etc. So, our chances for this little baby are very slim. But somehow in our hearts, this is the baby we feel most drawn towards. Maybe it's because we know the lady counselling the mom.

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The stumbling block in the works for us, though, was that we couldn't get hold of a social worker who was willing to even write down our names. So, we spent the better part of this past weekend sharing our burden with our friends and praying about it together. Yesterday we started praying specifically that God would reveal His will to us and help us to know what to do next. Because all of our efforts to find a social worker to help us, resulted in zip.

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This morning I got an impression to phone Debbie (the private social worker in Durban, whom I'd been unable to contact up until today) right away, so I did. And she answered!!! Halelujah! She has agreed to take on our case and we will be meeting with her next Tuesday morning in Durban! I can't even begin to tell you what a miracle this is for me. What might seem insignificant to you, and easy-peasy in the big scheme of things, had been an enormous challenge for us. We were beginning to believe that it may not be in God's plan for us to EVER have children - even adopted ones. But God has OPENED this door for us! I can't even begin telling you what a huge relief it is to have tried Debbie's number this morning and to have actually gotten a reply on my very first attempt today, after WEEKS and WEEKS of trying to find a social worker and getting no reply from anyone!
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Surely God is leading in this? Surely God always has His finger in our pies - and surely He will show us the right way to proceed! Even if the answer is no. I am trying my best to be attentive to His voice, and asking Him to make His will mine. And not the other way round. For too long I have been afraid to say "Your Will be done, Lord" for fear that it might be contrary to mine. How selfish is that? But, finally, we are seeing a light at the end of this dark tunnel, albeit a very small, flickery one.
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We would like to ask you to join us in praying for God The Father's guidance in this, our most precious heart's desire - our pursuit of parentdom. And our longing to love a child and to have one (preferably more) to call our own.
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There are a few specific things we are asking for:-
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1. The RIGHT social worker (hopefully that's Debbie!)

2. The RIGHT baby (or babies)
3. The RIGHT timing - His timing in answering our prayers
4. For God to reveal His will to us, and to help us accept it, no matter what that might be
5. For a PRIVATE adoption. Preferably for a family to choose us as the parents of their child.
6. For all of this to happen as speedily as possible, even though we've asked for number 3 also.
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That last request probably seems silly - but we feel as if we've been floundering, and would really like to ask God to take into consideration our impatience! haha. Even if we didn't ask Him to hurry up, He would know we were thinking it anyway. And we can hide nothing from Him. So, we're asking for HIS timing - and to help us be ok with it. Basically that's what it comes down to.

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I also want to share with you a verse that was greatly comforting to me when I discovered it. It is found in the prayer that Hannah prayed as thanks when she fell pregnant with Samuel in 1st Samuel, chapter 2 and specifically verse 6:-

"The LORD brings death and makes alive;

He brings down to the grave and raises up."

(It sounded a whole lot better in my paraphrase Bible this morning, but I never brought my nifty paraphrased version with me to work this morning... but anyway,) in other words, God is the giver of life. He holds life in His hands. He decides. And He will give life (or a child) when He sees fit. I am learning to trust Him again. I am learning to wait. And I'm trying to do so patiently, without questioning His "delay" in my eyes. His timing is PERFECT. Even though I've been asking Him to hurry up.
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So, will you please lift us up to the Saviour in prayer this week?
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Our friends will be praying with us every day from 06h30 - 07h00 in the morning. Robin and I and a handfull of close friends will be fasting on Wednesday too. If you would like to join us in fasting, we would really appreciate it. We are often reminded in the Bible of God intervening when His people fast and pray.

• "So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and He answered our prayer." Ezra 8 v 23
• "...with prayer and fasting, committed them to the Lord, in whom they had put their trust." Acts 14 v 23

Will you do the same for us? Commit us to the Lord, and put your trust in Him?

Gone for the weekend

Just wanted to let you all know that I will be gone until Tuesday next week! We are going camping with all our friends (most of them, at least) to Heidelburg (about 45 minutes from Johannesburg). Yeah baby! We're hoping to go and visit Maybe Baby tomorrow while we're there and to make contact with a Private Social Worker. Yay! So exciting!

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So anyway, here's wishing you all a Happy Easter. Chat soon with all the news, on Tuesday. Hopefully we'll have some good news to share with you. Or at least a step in the right direction!

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Something to think about over Easter weekend:

1 cross

+ 3 nails

= 4 given

Finding beauty in unexpected places

We are struggling to hold up our heads at the moment. Robin especially. He is heartbroken that it seems our quest to find a social worker to do a home study for us isn't yielding any results. Social workers are just so overworked. They shudder at taking on yet another couple - especially when you live in the sticks. Three hours from the nearest city. There are three social workers in Dundee, but do you think any of them are even available telephonically? Nope.

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I guess I wasn't expecting to get immediate results - or maybe I've hardened my thick skin enough that I am not nearly as disappointed as Robin at this stage. Maybe I'm not really expecting a good outcome. Either way, I'm nowhere near as depressed as my hubby.

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What does eat at me though is - when Robin's hurting or angry about the situation, I struggle to distance myself from playing the Blame Game with myself. You know how it goes. If it wasn't for me, he'd have been a father already. I wonder if he's angry at me for denying him the chance to be a father? I wonder if he'd prefer to be with someone else? Maybe he wants to leave me? Maybe he's waiting for me to do something wrong so that he can... Ugh. Awful. And that's what's got my head hanging. It's my stupid body's fault that I can't have babies. Not his.

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And that makes it very very hard to be ok, when he's not.

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Because even though my head says "stop being ridiculous"... my heart is breaking. For my hubby. For me too. But even more because of how I've let my hubby down.
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And so I spend my days searching for beauty and things to make me smile. This email brought me a huge smile this morning. And also a few tears.

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In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?

(The pics in the email have a 2004 date stamp, so I guess it's a very old story. This was the first time I read it.)

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I wonder if there are a few "piggies" out there for me somewhere?

Maybe Baby update

OK, so here's what I know about Maybe Baby. The families who adopted her siblings get first option on whether or not they would like to adopt her, to keep the siblings together. Which is only right. But this puts us in the queue. And we have been there, done that before - and it usually means that we don't stand a chance. However, being in the queue is better than not being in the queue. So, I'll take my space in the line, thank you very much.

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The courtcase to officially remove custody from the mother is only at the end of April. In the meantime the baby is in a safehouse in Johannesburg somewhere.

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The only reason why we were included in the possible families, was because my friend Riana knows someone who works at the safehouse. And she asked Riana if her friends were still interested in adoption. And she said YES! and that's how the story began. We can go and visit the baby anytime we want.

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The reason we haven't gone yet, is because we've been trying to get a few ducks in a row on our side. We really want to have all the i's dotted and t's crossed, so to speak. And so we've been contacting social workers etc.

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Even if this Maybe Baby doesn't come through for us, at least we will have had our Home Study completed and (hopefully!) approval granted for any future possibilities.

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So, that's what I know right now. As I find out more, you'll know more.

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Of course, I would have loved to have hopped into our vehicle and driven there on the spot to go and visit. Call me cautious, rather than optimistic. I'm dead scared of falling in love with that little girl and not being able to keep her...

Huge Happenings

There is so much going on here right now, and I really don't know if I should tell you about it. Ah, what the heck. Why not? We all know that I'm about as good at keeping things from y'all as I am at making babies.

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OK, so there is another Maybe Baby looking for a home. She is a 4week old little girl. The third child to be removed from one mother. I don't know any details right now. Which is probably better. I am a mix of emotions. Trying my very best not to Hope. But praying like a banshee! The social workers have said that we can come and visit the little girl already. Oh my heart! Only thing is the baby is in Johannesburg (about four hours drive from us here in Dundee). So, Robin and I are thinking of taking a few days off from work and driving up to go and visit.

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Oh my.

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I can't afford to Hope. Please pray with us about this. As always, we would do anything to have this baby. As in ANY. Thing. My friend, Riana, is going to visit the baby today for me.

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Processes in South Africa are so very frustrating and unique. Adoption in this country poses a multitude of huge boulders to clamber over. If at all you are even considered as adoptive parents, the adoption could fall through at any given moment depending on which person happens to be behind the counter at the time the papers are submitted.

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Of course, I'm skipping way ahead already. We are nowhere near that stage yet. First things first. Let's pray. OK? Of course if we are given the opportunity we will grab the baby and run. But it's not that simple in this country.

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So, we could use ALL the prayers we could possibly get!

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Oh my word.

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My heart's pounding.

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And just as well my hubby set up a nifty studio for me, because I spent most of last night glued to the canvass trying to keep busy and not dwell on this Maybe Baby. Here's my progress so far. Nowhere near finished yet. But I'm having so much fun!

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I love the art deco style - especially artists like Tamara de Lempicka. The very thickly made-up women with crisp curls and flamboyant outfits reminiscent of the thirties era. So I'm going to paint a few in that vein. Need to keep busy! And some extra dosh in my pocket wouldn't hurt either! c",) Hey - maybe I could auction them on my blog? Woot woot!

Undeserving but Overjoyed!

It has taken me forever to write this post. Mostly because I am so flabbergasted that I stared at my blank screen for about three hours while I tried to fathom this AMAZING blessing we're being given and tried to find the right words to share it with you.

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To heck with right words! Here's what's up:-

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One of my best friends just phoned from Brussells yesterday to offer to surrogate for Robin and I! She WANTS to do this for us! Can you believe it? It is just so beyond my wildest imaginings that someone would WANT to do this for us! And I am so unbelievably grateful and blessed and overjoyed and relieved and tearful and gobsmacked and totally flabbergasted by their offer. Where could I ever find the right words to Thank them for what they're offering us? I mean, how do you thank someone for offering you the fruit of their loins? I mean? Is there a precedent for such a thing? Not in my life there isn't. My friend is willing to do this for me, because she loves me that much! It totally bowls me over.

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I honestly cannot comprehend this thing. How blessed I am to have friends like I do.

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Just two days ago I was distraught and destroyed and depressed and dismayed and discouraged. Just two days ago, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Just two days ago, life looked seriously bleak to me. What a difference that one phonecall from Brussells has made for Robin and I.

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I feel so silly, in retrospect, for being so disappointed in God and even more so, for being so vocal about it. He knew all along, that there would be a telephone call made to me yesterday. And He was waiting patiently in the wings for His time to take centre stage again. I feel so silly for "blaming God" for not answering my prayers. Well, that's how it felt, at least. I was so tired of getting silence in response to my questionings, that I'd gotten to the point where I just didn't ask anymore. I just did my own thing, speaking to God, but not asking for His opinion. Like I told you guys yesterday. And now - it's like a total paradigm shift. I'm looking back at this situation from a totally different perspective. I'm looking back and seeing His faithfulness. And not just because now there's HOPE in my life again... but because He really was with me through this whole thing! His ears are never busy on someone else's prayer call. His door is always open. In fact, more than that, He's been knocking on my door! I heard Him knocking! I heard Him calling my name! I just didn't know what to do with Him anymore. I didn't know how to proceed with Him at the helm anymore. And all along, He actually was at the helm.

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Silly me! This God who did everything He could to save us, He will never leave us in the lurch. He is a faithful God. And I'm so grateful that I have Him.

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And my friend Marie-Jeanne, who'll be baking a babe in her oven for me soon!

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Edited to add:- By the way, when we told my mom and dad, Robin phoned and shared the good news, then said to her that he was going to be flying over to Brussells soon and hiring a hotel room for him and for Marie-Jeanne for the weekend! hahahahaha! You know, he knows exactly how to tease my mom. And then do you know what she said? "Well, ok then, you have my permission!" hahahahaha

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And just so you know, he was joking! We'll do this all the proper, scientific, medical route. Just so you know!

So much to say, so little time

I have LOADS on my mind today. But I know you're all v v busy with incredibly important things to do and therefore little time to sit and read my blog. Thus I will break my blog up into bitesized chunks, running over a few days. You'll have to stay tuned.
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Numero Uno.
Did you know that drinking milk (from a cow, that is...) actually gives you osteoporosis? And doesn't prevent it? Robin's taken to calling it (the milk, not the cow) Boob Juice! Haha! Have a v good friend, Dale, who calls it Nipple Nectar. Ew! That paints all sorts of gross pictures in my head. But back to my point. All of our school education has taught us the basic food pyramid. You know... so many portions of protein a day, so many glasses of milk, so many fruits... warra warra fish paste. But recent studies have proven quite the opposite of what advertising has indoctrinated us! It's FASCINATING! Well, to me it is. (And being the author of this blog, I get to decide!) Now, you all know that my fave thing on planet earth (besides babies, and Robin of course) is milky coffee! Boo hoo... don't even get me started on lamenting the hazards of coffee. I'm most distressed.
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See, we went to this INCREDIBLY interesting seminar last night at a school up in Hillcrest, hosted by a really nifty guy called Professor Walter Veith. I had watched his set of dvd's before, so when I heard he was coming to Durban, we dropped all things tv-related and headed up the hill to go and listen.
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What an amazing man! Such stunning stuff he shared with us - and not only about milk, but also about how important breakfast is, what sugar does, fats, etc. Life changing stuff. Uh... that is, if I decide to give up my beloved's every day. V v hard. I'll have to think about this one.

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Numero... two

My friend Ashleigh in Oz had her little boy on Friday. They have named him Noah. Please think of him. The docs have him in a special care unit as he has too much fluid on his lungs. As I know more, so will you.

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Number three

My tjommie Chantell is supposed to be having her little baby boy sometime... anytime now. We're all sitting on tenterhooks here. I tried to phone them yesterday on Skype (how cool is Skype by the way?) but no answer. So, you know the drill. As I know more, so will you.

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Number four

You've all been asking about Maybe Baby. Thanks for waiting long enough for me to get myself together on this one. I know you were all dying to ask questions sooner, but were respecting my wishes to give me some space.

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Here's the thing: we didn't get Maybe Baby. At the moment I don't know who did. Maybe the family who adopted Maybe Baby's sibling a few years ago? Maybe the granny? Better not to know. But for now, we're childless. That's ok. We're used to it by now. And we have plenty to occupy ourselves. And besides, I'm moving on, remember? So, that's what's happened with Maybe Baby.

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OK, I still have LOADS to say, but will save it for another day. That wasn't supposed to rhyme! Woops. OK, keep fingers, thumbs, toes and noses crossed for my two friends, Ashleigh and Chantell please. Can't stop thinking about them!

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So, tune in again tomorrow, for more Days of our Lives. haha!

My Comfy Cocoon

WARNING: If you're looking for a chirpy, happy-go-lucky blog to brighten your morning, go look elsewhere. You have been warned. I will not be held responsible for foul moods, you hear? See, I've been trying to think of something clever and captivating and encouraging to share with you all morning. Blogger was offline for a while this morning, so it gave me an excuse to hide for a while a chance to really think about what I wanted to post, while I waited to be able to access my blog again.

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I've tried really hard to just be level-headed and neutral and not to set my heart on this Maybe Baby. But, that terrible thing called Hope wormed it's way through the cracks in my armour and it's left me really vulnerable. All I really feel right now is depleted.

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This roller-coaster ride isn't fun anymore. Please can someone press STOP so that I can climb off?

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Why couldn't I just be left alone to regain my life, instead of being dangled this carrot?

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One Maybe Baby has taken me right back to that very dark little hole that I retreat into in an attempt at self-preservation. It's become quite a comfortable little cocoon. I was used to being there, you see.

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But this Maybe Baby gave me an opportunity to glimpse life beyond that dark dungeon and it was so brilliant and beckoning and beautiful and ... now that it's been snatched away from me, I'm left blinded by it's brightness. Suddenly the darkness feels thick and suffocating.

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Someone once told me that darkness is merely the absence of light.

How enlightening.

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Maybe what they should have mentioned is that the darkness is much safer. No-one sees you. It's easier on your heart as long as you stay in your hole. It's also lonely and soul-destroying. And it's not living. Hibernating is a shameful way to live a meaningful life.

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So now I get to choose. Am I willing to climb out of my safe little cocoon and allow Hope's rays to warm me again? Right now, I can't safely say.

The Waiting Game

It took me by surprise how badly I want this baby. I thought I had laid to rest my daily-diminishing dreams of having a home full of beautiful bubbly babies. Clearly I haven't. I. Really. Really! Want. This. Baby. It is taking every ounce of self-control to maintain a sense of decorum right now. I hate feeling this powerless to change my circumstances. Mainly because I can't change things, I will have to accept my impotence (haha! - funny! And it wasn't intentional either!) ... and just... wait...

Searching

I re-read yesterday morning's post and it made me realize something.

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Joseph and Mary lost Jesus. When they took Jesus to the temple for Passover, in their haste to leave Jerusalem afterwards and go back home, they didn't notice that they'd left Jesus, The Child entrusted to them, behind. One of my favourite books, The Desire of Ages, mentions that event. And I quote semi-paraphrasedly from page 83:-

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"If Joseph and Mary had kept their minds on God through meditation and prayer, they would have realized the sacredness of their trust, and wouldn't have lost sight of Jesus. But by one day's neglect they lost the Saviour; and it cost them three days of anxious search to find Him. So it is with us: through idle talk, evil-speaking, or neglect of prayer, we may in one day lose the Saviour's presence, and it may take many days of sorrowful search to find Him, and regain the peace that we have lost."

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And I'm wondering if my frantic search yesterday wasn't a precursor to God teaching me this valuable lesson. As wildly as I was searching for that scan, that is as passionately as I should be seeking God's presence! I need Him in my life. How can I neglect Him, and still expect to live peace-fully? I break up the word 'peacefully' deliberately, by the way. Peace. Fully.

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Yes, I need Him in my life. Not to be a santa clause or my genie in a bottle. But because He is The Source of Peace. He died specifically for that purpose. To give me peace beyond my circumstances.

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Remember, Joseph and Mary lost Jesus. THE Joseph and Mary, mind you. Not just any old Jo Soap or Mary Mary Quite Contrary. If even THE Mr Joseph and Mrs Mary could lose Jesus, so can you and I. But there's hope in this story. Because if, after three days of sorrowful searching, they found Jesus again, so can you and I!

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And of course, to make matters all the more interesting now, there's this Maybe Baby. People, there is no way to describe what this feels like. It's like finding water in the desert. Only, it's like you're tied to a palm tree and the water is one arm's length beyond your reach. And it makes me realize, yet again, that we are so piddly and powerless to alter our own circumstances. We really need God's intervention, in every aspect of the word.

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It's very hard to say "what will be will be" or "Your will be done" and to really mean it. It's even harder to accept that your dream for the future lies in the hands of someone who doesn't even know you. Some social worker somewhere who hasn't even met me, gets to decide if I am good enough to parent this baby. That's the small picture.

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The big picture is vastly different. I believe in a God who cares about every single one of us, and who has our eternal life in mind. And He really does know what's best. How can I ask Him to guide me, then throw a tantrum when things don't go my way? How can I ask for His will to be done, then when His will is different from mine, I turn my back on Him and go about things my way?

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I know what sorrowful searching is all about. Right now I am seeking His presence and His will. Of course I would love to throw a tantrum and raise my fist in anger when things don't work out the way I want them to, but praise God, there's grace to be found in the God that created and saved us.

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" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future... And you will seek for Me and find Me when you seek for Me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29 v 11, 13.

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Anybody want to join me in the search?

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P.S. I am going to post below a copy of the email I sent to my closest friends and family, sharing exactly what I know about this baby. Please pray with me about this? Thank you.

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Hello everyone! Thank you so much for all of your sms's, emails, phonecalls etc. I promised to keep you up to speed. So I'm emailing you all now so that you all know what I know. Please don't keep asking me if I know anything further - I promise I will keep you up to date. This is an enormous emotional uphill battle which has only just begun. How can I already be this exhausted so early??? Robin and I are determined to stay level-headed about it and to keep placing our desires before God's throne and asking His will to be done.
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Anyway, now for what's going on. I've spoken to my friend who is our contact to the family some more... and things have been complicated by a few things... it's such a long story, so this is the short version:-

• The family that adopted the first child has first option.
• The granny adopted the second child.
• The granny cannot afford to adopt the third one.
• The family that adopted the first child wants the third, but only if it's not a "foster first, then maybe you get to adopt the baby later" situation. Which makes perfect sense.
• We are not known by the social workers, which puts us in a precarious situation where they probably won't consider us.
• The social workers have yet to remove the child from where it is.
• The parents of the baby are druggies.
• Therefore the baby is probably a crack baby.
• They live in someone's back yard in a room.
• The mother of the child is (quote): "A standard five child." I don't know if that means she's a semi-adult with only a std 5 education, or if she's literally a child still herself.
• The social welfare department wants to try to rehabilitate the parents of the baby and restore the family unit.
• The granny wants an "open adoption" situation where she can still know the child.
• We want a closed adoption, where there is never an option that the baby will be snatched from us and returned to a potentially-abusive situation.

So, now you know what we know. I know these statements above will prompt another fifty two million questions from you guys, but at the moment I don't have answers. So please please don't ask me more questions. I am asking those same questions and I don't have answers. So I promise we will keep you all informed.
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The chances of us getting the baby are very slim. But I believe in a God who created the universe and who can take slim chances and make huge fat promises from them.
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I am not asking God for this child. I am asking for His will to be done for us. He knows that Robin and I are (finally!) willing to follow wherever He leads. We have laid our dreams at His feet and will accept whatever His answer is. He is God. I need to trust Him.
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So there you go. Please keep lifting us up to God in prayer. And ask God to help us cope with whatever His will is and to give us clear direction.
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Thanks for praying with us and for caring! God knew what He was doing when He gave us you as friends and family.

PLEASE PRAY!!!

OK, I am shaking. Something HUGE is happening. I just got a phonecall from a very good friend. I don't know how to say this and I'm just blabbing it all out. Sorry I'm so incoherant. This is what's up.

We might have found a baby to adopt! And it's all very sudden.

It's a little white girl, 2 months old. She is the third child produced by a couple who have already had two of their three children adopted by other people because they are incapable of looking after their children. The parents are druggies. I have no idea if this little baby is a "crack" baby or not. I just know that the granny is being given custody of the little girl today. And the granny is looking for a family to adopt the child, because she cannot care for it. The granny lives in Richards Bay.

My heart is already attached to the child and I haven't even met her yet. HELP US TO PRAY for God's lead in this. I can't afford to step outside of His will again. PLEASE PLEASE pray with and for us.