The girlchild turns 8.

I kid you not.

It has been EIGHT WHOLE YEARS since this happened. 

Sometimes I forget how it felt - the yearning for a little person to call me "mommy".  And then, I meander back to my blog to look at the pics of just how little she was, and I remember all the anguish and impatience and desperation to have a child. Then I realise that all of those yearny feelings are gone, baby, gone.

How lucky am I?

Happy birthday, my little girly-snokkels. Mommy loves you SO very much!

How far we've come!

I sometimes forget just how far we have come, from even just a year and a half ago, to this day. I might get frustrated at Jess and seriously consider growling at her, or I get annoyed when I need to climb out of bed four or five times at night to see to her... and then I was reminded of how badly my heart ached to be able to do these things... to feel a little hand pulling at my jeans, or see those little lips puckered up for a smooch just from me! And I can kick myself for even getting slightly annoyed! Allow me to share an excerpt (or fifty) with you, from my prayer journal.

25 October 2006

Dear Father in Heaven, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit,

I don't know what to say, but please forgive me. I have been (indirectly) SO angry at You again, that You didn't intervene and allow me to have Jodi-Lee. But at the same time I've been asking You to help me to trust You. I've been struggling, Lord. But You haven't left my side. I've been trying to trust You through it all, but on my own steam, when I really needed to be crouching at Your feet in submission and begging Your intervention and grace. My heart has been in rebellion to You. but You are SO gracious and kind - selfless - that You laid down EVERYTHING to redeem me at great cost - Your own blood! - How can I then rebel against You for not intervening in this one aspect for me? O God, thank You for teaching me that "the glory that shines from Jesus' face is the glory of selfless love. [Your] sacrifice on Calvary shows that the law of selfless love is the law of life for earth and heaven. This selfless love comes straight from the heart of God." {from the book called 'Messiah' chapter 1} So, when I am selfish it is because I am not activated by YOUR heart and spirit. If you live in me, selflessness will be my natural tendency. Oh God, please come and live in me again! Please may I be led of Your Spirit and be living in Your presence and freely give my rebellious heart's desires and trust You selflessless with that which I desire more than anything in this world: a baby. Please God, I am so tired of hurting with this. I just want to give it to You once and for all and experience peace in the certainty that You know what You're doing. After all, You are GOD! There is no higher authority! Oh God, pleeeeeeeeez: make me Yours. Please help me to surrender daily and so to love and trust You more every day. Please God, because this is what You desire for me. And because this is exactly what Jesus died to accomplish. A renewed trusting relationship with me. And please, Lord, let it begin NOW.

In Jesus name,

amen.

December 2006

Dear Father in Heaven

What an amazing God You are, and for so long I have lost sight of it. I just want to praise You for helping me through this week. I have FINALLY given up on trying to be pregnant and what a relief it has been for me. You are teaching me what it means to trust You again. Please Lord, don't stop now. You know what You're doing. You know what's best and help me to keep remembering that. Thank You so much!

Amen

26 June 2007

Lord God,

It's astounded me that it has been more than six months since I last wrote in my prayer journal! It is also six months since we stopped trying to get pregnant. Has it also been six months since I last trusted You with my heart's desire??? Has it been six months since I lost myself in You, or has it been even longer?

This has been the hardest time of our lives and I wonder if maybe that's because I didn't really have You in it? You must be so sick and tired of hearing me rededicate my life to You. But I honestly don't know what else to do! I don't know the right way anymore and I can't trust myself to stick by it. Instead, I simply need You in my life, Lord Jesus. I need to know You, so that I will remember how to love You and trust You again. It has been years of this now... I look back in my prayer journal and I am ashamed. I am embarrassed at the monotony of it and that I haven't allowed You the space to work in me. O God, please forgive me! Help me to start anew with You. I really need You leading me. All my efforts have been futile and yet You have remained faithful. You have lifted me up on my weakest days and carried me. And more importantly, You have sustained my life up until now, so that I would have this opportunity to repent. What an awesome God You are!!! You are amazing. Thank You Father in heaven. Thank You for this opportunity to start again. I am so grateful. Please take this gratitude and allow it to grow into Love for You and trust. I want to be saved by You. You have promised that You began a good work in me and that You will be faithful to complete it. Please Lord, would you restart the "factory" again in me, reproducing Your likeness in me. I want my heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh.

For Your glory, Lord!

amen

25 Jan 2008

Lord Jesus,

Perhaps the solution to my see-saw devotions is to stop looking back and to just focus on what You have done for me, today, and to not put pressure on myself for the future? What do You think? Because I seriously don't trust myself to stay devoted to You! On the contrary - YOU never change! Your feelings toward me haven't changed. You died for me already 2000 years before I was even born! How incredible of You! You know the awful path I am bent on and You know where it's leading me. I am so inconsistent! It's always either fervor or failure with me, isn't it? Where is the happy medium? Although, now, when I think of it, that would be lukewarm, wouldn't it? And You've already told us that conclusion. So Lord, all I can do is fall on You, the Rock, and be broken. I am already broken, Lord. This body of mine don't work too good! :o) It's only You who can piece me back together again.

So, help!

Please Lord!

amen

17 March 2008

Father in Heaven

Sometimes I wonder what Your plan is for me. I am trying to trust You. My head tells me that You are God and that You know what You are doing. So I should trust You. But my heart is still breaking! Every baby I see is a fresh reminder. I feel a bit shattered, Jesus. I am REALLY struggling with this again. Where is the baby for us??? What is Your plan??? Whta must we do? It feels as if everything we do gets a green light, but then it just falls through as we move forward. What must we do? Is it just to trust You? I must admit, that is one of the hardest things! Please God, help me to trust You then. If that is all You require, I am going to need Your help with that. Because I am failing dismally. Lord Jesus, please intercede for us and for me in God's throne room! Holy Spirit - I so need You! Without You, this is all hopeless!

Otherwise there's nothing left in this life for me!

amen

27 March 2008

Dear Father in Heaven

The way You are opening doors for us to become adoptive parents just astounds and excites me!!! Oh God, how awesome You are!!! You ask - will I still be faithful to You if You didn't do this for me... I want to answer 'yes' because that's what I have tried to do in these last six or seven years, when we made no progress in the babymaking department. You know how my very heart cried out to You in anguish. You saw me. You still do. And, o God, will this time be You answering 'Yes' ? I pray it is. Oh God, grant Robin and I a family to love. Please Jesus! You created us and told us to have children. Why would You then withold the very thing You have commanded? Especially when miracles are Your specialty? Lord God in heaven, please will You open the doors for us? I already have my heart set on this little baby! But Father, You know the future. Please Lord, if THIS is the baby for US, please let the birthmom sign the consent forms. We have hurt so much in this journey! Lord Jesus, You heart Rachel's prayer and opened her womb. You heard Hannah's prayer too. You heard Abraham and Sarah. Hear me now, Lord. Please. This is my prayer. I know You CAN! But will You? Please Lord, do! And God, I really want to mean this: Your will, not mine.

Help me to mean it?

Amen

28 March 2008

Dear Lord God

I am so excited about the possibilities for us and for the meeting on Tuesday. O Lord I am like a stuck record! But Lord, can I hide anything from You? No. You see my need. You know that we would teach our child(ren) about You. And so, God, please grant us children to love. Fill our home with them so that we can lead them to YOu and so that we will also finally understand the kind of Fatherly love You have for us. How else could we realize the magnificent power of unconditional love?

Amen

9 April 2008

Lord God

Thank You so much for leading and guiding. I want to praise Your holy name. You are eternal, everlasting, all-knowing, all-powerful. You are love. You invented happiness and peace. Without You, that is impossible.
I have read of Your character this morning in Psalm 102. It tells of Your Godness. And then it says in verse 17: "I know that You will respond to the pleas of Your people and that You will not let their prayers go unanswered." Father in Heaven, I know You have heard the pleas of Your people crying out on our behalf. You hear them. You see the birthmom and her unborn child. You know that baby's character. You knit her together in her birthmom's womb. You are the Creator and Giver of Life. Is this the baby for us? Would Y ou give us this little life to love and nurture?

I promise (not as a bargaining tactic) that if You do, o Lord, "What You do will be written down (by me on my blog) for coming generations, and people...will read it and praise You for it." Psalms 102 v 18 with my words in brackets.

For Your glory, Lord Jesus, Father and Holy
Spirit!

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10 April 2008

Father in Heaven

I am growing to love our time together every morning. Thank You for giving me another day, Lord Jesus. You give me the ability to get out of bed every morning and You fill me with peace. It is Your peace, Lord, which has made me calm as we wait on the birthmom's decision. Please Lord, will You lead us? And especially the birthmom's family. Warm their hearts toward us if this is Your will, so that this decision will be an easy one for them. Thank You Lord for everyone who is praying with us, and thank You Lord, that it is a little girl!!!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

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17 April 2008

Lord Jesus,

You have opened SO many doors for us to get to this point... You pulled strings to get the other couple out of the picture, who the birthmom had originally chosen as the family for her unborn child. You arranged for our profile to get into her hands. You arranged it months ago that the birthmom's crisis counselor became our friend and then You orchestrated that she also became the birthmom's crisis counselor! You made the birthgranny frustrated enough that she wanted to set up a meeting with us, even though in the social worker's eyes that's not done. And then You made it possible for us to meet with the birthmom and the birthdad too! How many doors You have already opened for us!!! It is so exciting!!! You are answering our prayers. Oh Lord, but now, oh how HARD it is becoming to just sit back and wait while they make a decision! The longer they take, the more I am inclined to think that they aren't choosing us as the family for their baby. Oh God, I am trusting You in all of this, but I am going to be honest when I tell You that this waiting is working on me now. It is grinding on my emotions and I am feeling heartbroken, even though we haven't had an answer yet and they might even still say yes. But at this stage we don't know. And that's the hard part. Waiting. And not knowing. And Lord, You know. You are in control. You know already what they are going to decide. O God, please do this for Robin and I so that I can tell everyone what You have done for us! O Lord, please stretch out Your mighty arm and open their hearts and minds to us, and SOON! Please Lord, TODAY! O Lord, please take this burden of waiting from us. Thank You Lord that You will make Your decision on how to answer this prayer with YOUR will in mind, because You know what's best and because You are teaching me how to trust You again. So God in Heaven, be merciful to me and Robin, please. Look on us with pity, Lord, so that we can be parents, so that we can give this baby a name that will honor You and so that we can teach her to love You and she can be saved by Your grace. O God, please open the doors! Please Lord, look upon us with mercy and favour. May our lives be a testimony to Your grace and power and love.

Please Lord, also be with the birthmom especially today.

Bless her and watch over the little baby.

Please, pick us!!!

Please Jesus.

Please.

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18 April 2008

O Lord!!! Thank You!!! My heart soars in praise to You! You have given us this baby!!! I am so excited and amazed and blessed! So much more than I deserve. This is all only blessing! And so, Father we are going to name her somthing that praises You for the rest of her life:

Jesse-Lee

Jesse meaning "Gift from God" and Lee being Robin's family name, passed down from every firstborn to every firstborn. So, every time we say her name we will be praising You for the gift of her. Praising You! For ever!

Oh, thank You Lord!

Thank You!

Thank You!

And that is how we came to have little Jesse-Lee in our life. The biggest blessing ever! I stand in awe of God when I read back in my prayer journal. What a long journey we walked with God until He blessed us with little Jesse-Lee. How humbling it is to consider that God - the CREATOR of the entire universe - chose us to be the family for little Jesse-Lee. He knit her together in her mother's womb with US in mind. How very humbling and awe-inspiring. I pray daily that God will make Robin and I the kind of parents who will honour His decision to have us parent her. Our gift from God.

Jess's sister

A few of you might remember that I caught a bit of a speed wobble a little while back, when I found out that Jesse-Lee's birthmom was preggarooski again.  The rest of you must have been visiting the moon that day.  

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The news shoved me from my peaceful pedestal into the depths of the deepest, darkest, horriblest (yes, that must be a real word!) place. For a while.  Until some of our bestest buddies spoke a few holes into our heads and convinced us to move on.  Which I did.  In principle.  In practise, I've been secretly hoping that everything would go horribly wrong for the two birthparents and that they would BEG us to take their latest offering.  Thereby completing our family of four.  And making me the happiest person on the planet.

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But that would make me a terrible person.  So I've been keeping that loathsome bit of information to myself.  Because, you know, I'm all about image.  

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Anyhoo.  This morning Robin received a phonecall from none other than the birthdad himself, happily informing us that Jesse-Lee's sister, Vickayla, was born two days ago.  The 28th of April.  And that things are going really well.  Apart from the fact that birthmom is having some difficulty with the boobjuice, and general unhappiness at the state of the hospital she was forced to use.

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I wish I could tell you that we are happy to hear that they are happy.  But really, it's hard not to wish a colicky baby on them to put aside our feelings and just be fiddledeedee about it.  When we know that Jesse-Lee's own sister will be living in squalor, in an environment where swearing and substance abuse and fighting are the order of the day...  

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I'm just soooo grateful that we have little Jess.  Without her, this would be so much harder to deal with!  

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In the meantime I'll have to keep asking God for forgiveness that I'm such a bitter old sourcrout.  And ask God to bless little Vickayla and keep her safe in the midst of the situation she's in.  After all, she IS Jesse-Lee's sister. 

It's Official!

I just got a phonecall confirming that all the documents were approved and the adoption of Jesse-Lee as a Hillbilly is finally all done! She is OFFICIALLY ours today!

Suspect okie

It's been impossible to get anything done today, on account of my bootie shaking so much! This afternoon we're going to Durban for the weekend! Woot woot! Friends of ours are travelling down to watch the rugby, so we're sponging off of them seeing as we's po hitching a lift down with them. Who could pass up a free ride to the city??? And to see Nolene (Robin's sister) for the last time before her baby is born next Thursday! Woot woot!
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I must tell you... I am SO tempted to send Victor and Lindsay a text message, inviting them to visit jess while we're there, and see their reaction. I wonder if Lindsay would feel comfortable revealing her very preggy belly when she's not certain we know she's preg again? I almost think she'd decline our invitation just to avoid seeing us! Victor, on the other hand, will definitely want to see Jess. And I suspect he might even want to brag about their being pregnant again so soon.
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A day or two after the shock of us hearing the news wore off, I remembered a conversation we had with Lindsay's crisis counselor, where Margo (the crisis counselor) revealed that Victor was very embittered after their signing the official adoption papers releasing Jess into our custody. And he told Margo that he resented us for taking her and it was easy enough for them to just make another baby, and this time keep it for themselves.
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Which would make this predicament of theirs a rather interesting development, indeed. Suspect. Very suspect.
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Makes me wonder if it was "just words" on his part, or if they really didn't go and try to "replace" Jess immediately after they'd parted with her?
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Either way, I want to tell you that the last two days have been strangely calm for me. I don't say that I'm totally "over" it, but I'm certainly not stressed about it anymore. God has given us the most gorgeous little girl! And if He sees fit to give us another one so soon after Jess, then YAY!!!! If not, and Jess's little sister stays with her birthparents, then that's ok by me too. We'll trust in God and in His perfect timing for US. For our little family of three.
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Gosh, don't I sound all grown up?
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I even surprise myself every now and again!

Crisis averted

OK, so I caught a bit of a speed wobble yesterday. I'll admit it. But today I'm totally in control. This "I'm having a baby and you're not!" thing is not going to get the better of me! I will be the bigger person.

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Unpreggy belly notwithstanding.

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I am a good head taller than Lindsay anyways.

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And who knows, maybe she'll totally freak out and beg me to adopt her second baby when the baby is crying all hours of night and keeping the whole household awake (Wishful thinking!) come to her senses and decide to do what's best for the baby, after all.

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Until then, I will take all of my clever friends and family's advice and MOVE ON! Pretend I don't know what's happening in Durban. And just love on my baby banana booger. I am already SO blessed to have her. I am totally grateful for her and could just spend all day kissing her dimpled cheeks!

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So, instead of being bitter and jealous and cross, I am going to be happy! Happy I have Jess and happy that I'm not still waiting for my baby. Happy that she is ours. Happy that Victor and Lindsay chose what was best for Jess. Without them we'd never have had her to begin with! So, I can't be cross with them for their decision this time round.

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And if, for some unknown reason, Victor and Lindsay also catch a speedwobble and need to ask us to adopt baby number two, dang!, I'll be happier still.

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I'm just saying.

Somebody pour me a stiff drink!

I actually don't have the words to express what I'm feeling right now. So I'm just going to tell you what's happening and you can imagine for yourselves how this has impacted us.

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Jesse-Lee's birthmother, Lindsay, is seven months pregnant. And she just found out a few days ago. It is a little girl. And she is keeping the baby this time round. She and Victor (Jesse-Lee's birthfather) are going to move in together and make a little family together.

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Forgive me if I'm sounding jaded and cynical. I'm just sharing the facts with you first. Because somehow I can make sense of this situation better if I just let it all hang right out there. I'll think about this all afterwards. Right now I just need to spill it.

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Ja, so Jesse-Lee was barely even 7 or 8 weeks old when her birthmother conceived again. A little seventeen year-old girl is giving birth to her SECOND child in a year! This fills me with rage and jealousy and anger and resentment and total absolute SHOCK! I cannot process this information. Even as I write these words I am shaking my head and clenching my jaw.

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Lindsay and Victor are going to care for this child, living in an abandoned wharehouse in an industrial area of a rambling city, where they will share ONE room with the rest of his family and ONE toilet with the rest of the tenants in the building. This is what they want for their second child together.

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They say that the pain of parting with Jesse-Lee was too great for them. Although I have never had to give away my baby, so I cannot relate to it, now that I've been a mom, I can well imagine how gut-wrenching that decision must have been for them.

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But what about THE BABY??? What about what's best for the baby? What about what's best for Jess? I look at Jess now, knowing that within 8 weeks she will have a baby sister. And where will her sister be? Over 300 kilometres away, living in squalor, the child of an abusive relationship.

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I am so angry! I know it is probably unreasonable. My head tells me that I shouldn't be so angry. But, dang!, I am! I am furious that Lindsay be given another child when I'm still unable to produce a sibling for Jesse-Lee. Not that we were trying again. But, there was a bit of Hope hanging around, that Jess would not land up being a single child. But that she would know the joy of having a brother or sister to tease her, to keep her company, to love and to laugh with.

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And now she will have the sibling. But without the relationship!

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I am so so SO hurting over this.

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How can Lindsay and Victor be SO selfish that they would deny their second child the opportunity to be cared for properly? To know her sister? To be OURS. Basically that's what I really want to say.

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I want her. I want that baby with every fiber in my being. I want to hold Jess and that baby together on my lap.

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And yet, I have no right whatsoever to even ASK for her.

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I know that I should be grateful we even have Jess. And yes, of course I'm grateful! Of course my heart fills with overwhelming love and adoration and total custard-pumping-madness for my daughter! Of course I'm grateful for her.

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Why, then, am I so upset about this new development?

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I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I am not going to rise in defense of my feelings. I am not going to be defensive about it. I simply feel it and I need to acknowledge it so that I can somehow process it.

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I just can't believe it. Jess is going to have a sister, and she won't be mine.

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I'm heartbroken.

Adoption...

I just spent a good half hour, at least, catching up on my friend Ms J's blog (my blog is giving me errors so I can't make her link easy, but if you go to www.inourownweirdway.blogspot.com you will find their story there). She and her husband have adopted a gorgeous little girl from China and I am totally over the moon for her. Please keep her and Dr J (her hubby) in your prayers, and send up some special prayers for their Lil Pumpkin too, please! The adjustment time is very difficult for all of them, and she could use some well wishing too.

And reading her story made me realize, again, just how especially blessed Robin and I are to have been able to adopt our little Sugar Booger. Ms J reminded me just how special adoption is and how blessed we are to have been granted this, the biggest, most precious gift we have ever been given!

Just last week I was reading an article in one of the million baby magazines littering my living room while My Caramel Pancake was sleeping, and one of the articles, written specifically focused on Adoption in South Africa, said that in the entire Western Cape region of South Africa, only ONE white baby has been adopted in the last four years! And then I look at Sugar Booger and think "How on Earth did we get her???" There is really only one answer to that question: it is God. It is all Him. He is the reason our family is finally complete. Mind blowing!

60 days

Today is officially 60 days. The point of no return for the birthparents! Woot woot! For someone who wasn't thinking thinking thinking about the countdown too much (read "forcing myself not to think about it"), I am super excited today that there is no longer a bit of a wet blanket dampening our excitement. Needless to say, Hubsy and I will be taking Jess out today for a bit of a "painting the town red" story to celebrate. And by "town" we mean Wimpy (sort of like a South African version of McDonalds). Because Dunhillbillydee has such a wide variety of dining places to choose from. HHhmmmm...

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And now, our little wriggly monster can officially become Jesse-Lee Hillbilly. I am so super duper excited! Yay!!!

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Today, Robin and I officially became parents. And having it be to the best babe on the planet is just totally mindblowing. When God answers prayers, He answers them well, doesn't He?

Doing Moses

It occurred to me this past weekend when one of my best friends asked me, that I hadn't ever told you what became of our adoption of the little boy... remember him? I mentioned him a couple of times. And then a couple more times...

Ja. Well, after so many years of infertility and all of those torture sessions fertility treatments, it was a bit hard for us this infertile to say no to him. I mean - hello! - someone was offering me a baby!!! So we said yes, and then asked God to show us the right thing to do. (Sometimes you have to do the Moses thing and step into the water before the sea parts.) So that's what we did. We said yes. And then we said, "God, You so know that our finances are not going to stretch to meet the needs of two little people right now, please either make a way for us to have both and still be able to put some butter on our bread, or (shudder shudder!) take one baby out of the equation.

People, that's tantamount to declining your lotto winnings!

Anyhoo, the answer came through loud and clear, the first time I laid my eyes on our sweet lil Jesse-Lee. And verbalized when I held her in my arms. How could I share my Jesse-Lee time with another baby? God had provided for us. He heard our cries, saw our need and formed her, for us, in the womb of a sixteen year old girl. That very same week we declined the little boy.

Robin said something to me just the other day. He said, "You know what, Womanofmydreams?" (OK, so he might have said "Char", but I like to think he actually said Womanofmydreams. Or Mylifelongfantasy. Or something like that. Oh, woops... where was I? Oh yes. Robin was saying...) "Seven years ago we started asking God to give us a baby. Our baby. And we couldn't understand why He wasn't answering our prayers. Well, have you realized that when we started asking God for OUR baby, her birthmother was only nine years old? It's no wonder we had to wait so long!"

WOW! I truly hadn't thought of it that way! We HAD to wait seven years, because her birthmom wasn't even near child-birthing age when we started asking! God really did have a WONDERFUL plan for our happiness. He knew all along that Jesse-Lee was on her way... we just had to be patient. God already had His plan for us way back then. I can't believe I had such a hard time trusting. I wouldn't even heed His command to "Be still and KNOW that I AM God."

And now - WOW! - how different things are. Now I get to praise God every time I hear her little voice. Or see her smile. Or hold her fingers while she eats. I rub my cheek against hers and breathe her in, willing her to feel the love oozing from me. I dream dreams for her already. And it's all because God saw fit to grant us our wish. To create one very special little girl, to knit her together in her (birth)mother's womb and give us the privilege and blessing of allowing her to call us mom and dad.

It still totally astounds me.

And listen, if you are still struggling with infertility... I wish I could say that I know things will work out the way you want them to! I wish I knew what the future held for you so that I could encourage you. But, while I don't know those things, I do know that God really LOVES you and wants nothing but your happiness. I struggled with trusting Him when there was no light at the end of our infertility tunnel. I cried out to Him time and again. Sometimes in anger. Sometimes in need. How relieved I am that God isn't intimidated by our feelings. He knows our thoughts. He sees our need.

And today I can tell you that God knew exactly what He was doing when He had me waiting. Because now, when I look at our little Jesse-Lee, I know that she was planned for me from the very start. God made a way! And I will spend the rest of my life praising Him for her.

Quickie

Just a super quicky to say hello and I'm typing in the middle of the night because our social worker is here for the home study so we've been working our fingers to the bone in preparation for THE visit and now that she's here we've been on our best behaviour. Which means no farting or burping in public... Super hard for us hillbillies to do, I'll tell you that much. Just kidding. Sort of.

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And also, I would have blogged sooner, but my hubby dearest forgot to come home with my mobile modem for THREE FRIGGING DAYS IN A ROW! I mean: THA-REE WHOLE DAYS without even looking at emails?!?!? Craziness. Needless to say his popularity is teeter-tottering right now. Just as well he's damn hot, otherwise he'd be in trouble.

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Anyhoo. Just thought I'd let you know that we are indeed still living. Will blog again as soon as possible. If my hubby dearest will remember to bring home the modem again tomorrow night, that is. Love y'all. Chat soon. Toodledoo.

It's me - Char

Hallo all of you groovy blog-reading peoples! I am back in bloggerland with a huge grin on my face and cracked-boozie-pointies and huge sleepless bags under my eyes and cabbage leaves in my bra and truly, I've never been happier! I have SO MANY stories to tell you and I can't wait to get stuck in. But for now, I'm just saying howdy and I've missed you and I am totally in love with our gorgeous baby and we are so totally over the moon and who knew Mommyhood would be SO awesome and I have pics to share with you and and and... but first, I need to read all of your comments and emails and just get my feet back on some solid ground.

As if that will ever happen!

Seriously, this is LIFE changing stuff, being a sudden mommy... and as one of you (sorry, I can't remember who!) pointed out, my web address is BABELESS! Dang. I really never thought I'd have an opportunity to change my web address!!! I probably won't change it, but at least now I have a CHOICE.

Who'da ever thunk it?

Anyway, here's to life changes of the brilliant sort. To babies, nappies, sleepless nights, emptier wallets and warm squishy feelings of total bliss!

And to Chrissy, my fave in-law cousin who lives in Brisbane (my cousin Quinton's wife), who has been filling you in on all the happenings in my absence... what would I do without you? You're awesome and I love you to bits and thanks so much for updating my blog everyday!

Now, please exuse me while I attempt to burp my baby and do the wooty-tooty-fruity-loopy happy jig at the same time. If it can be done, you'll be the first to know.

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(PS a few of you left comments anonymously with "love from me" at the end of it. Who goeth there? Who be ye? I'd like to send some loves back to you too.)

Wooty Tooty Shaky Booty!

This time next week we will be busy signing the adoption papers for our baby!!! Yay!!!

News!

Gawsh, sorry guys. I was totally AWOL for a few days. Robin and I were down in Durban for the next doctor's appointments with the birthmom and we landed up staying longer than we expected... Remind me never to go to Durban for a day, expecting to return that afternoon and then having to sleep over and not even have a spare change of rods with for the next day. Mmm... Not too pleasantsmelling. We went and bought some underwear, and a toothbrush each... luckily we had forgotten some clothes at my inlaws' home the previous time we slept over, so we each had a fresh shirt to wear. Needless to say, I have learned my lesson. And so have my nostrils.

Anyhoo...

But we have BRILLIANT news. Bril. Liant. I am soooo excited. OK, so the baby is breach. Which means that I won't be the cheerleading team in the delivery room anymore, because the birthmom will now be having a caesarian section next Friday the 30th of May! Never have I been SO happy to get bad news before. I'm blaming my nerves for this one. I was so relieved that I wouldn't have to be shouting "push! push! hee hee! hoo hoo! push! breathe!" that I almost broke out into a moonwalk accross the doctor's rooms when she said that there's no chance for normal delivery.

Which just goes to show that I still haven't quite outgrown my penchant for 80s music.

Also, big bonus: now we also have a definite date for Jesse-Lee's birth too! Which means that Robin and I won't have to accumulate a few speeding tickets as we drive down from Dundee to Durban when Lindsay goes into labour. (If Jesse-Lee had arrived prem, of course). AND, Lindsay doesn't want to have an epidural, so, at this stage it looks like she will go under general anaesthetic, so she will sleep through the "birth" and not even hear Jesse-Lee's first cries! Of course, that's not entirely certain yet, but at this stage, it sounds like that is the plan.

Seriously, if all my wishes keep coming true like this, I might be winning the lotto soon at this rate.

On with the good news. OK, so now Jesse-Lee is arriving next Friday. I will obviously be in the surgery with the birthmom (Lindsay). I will then accompany little Jesse-Lee from the moment she's born onwards. Which means that I will be sleeping in the hospital's nursery like all the other moms until we get the "get out of jail free card" and can come home. Lindsay will be in the post-operative recovery ward, not in the moms ward. Our official adoption date is Monday the 2nd of June at 14h00 South Africa time. By then, little Jesse-Lee will have her birth certificate, and all relevant parties will be required to appear in court for the redtape and paperwork to be completed. THEN, I get to come home with my baby! Yay!!!!! MY baby! I am so excited. Of course they get 60 days after the courtdate to reconsider, but they really aren't in any position to reconsider. They live in shocking circumstances of poverty, and right now there is no way they can possible rethink their decision to place the little girl for adoption. Which makes me feel very relieved, obviously, but sort of like a bit of a scavenger for being so happy that they can't keep her! That's the nature of adoption though, so I mustn't dwell on it.

Other good news: our police clearance has been sent to us and we will be in possession of the certificates tomorrow morning already! How good is God? I just stand back in amazement when I see the doors swinging so wide open for us all the time. Every time we have taken something relevant to the adoption to Him in prayer, He has opened the doors for us. I have NO doubts whatsoever that this little baby was intended for our family. Every day we are seeing answers to our prayers and I just praise Him every step of the way. Wow.

What else do I have to share with you? My friend Charlene (sorry, my linky isn't working, but her blogaddress is: http://heathelsa.blogspot.com/ ) mailed me with a whole list of questions... So I better check that I haven't skipped anything!

About the little boy... Right now nothing is forthcoming. At the moment his mom (Michelle) knows that she needs to give him up for adoption, but just can't. Shame, it's heartbreaking! The poor woman. I can't imagine spending two months bonding with your baby after he's born, and nine months before that, and then having to make such a heartwrenching decision. So we are stepping back and allowing her to make her decision in her own time. And if she ever gets to the point where she's ready to be dealing with social workers, etc. then we'll get involved again. We haven't met her or the little boy, which is much better. We'll only meet her if she starts seriously pursuing adoption for him. For now, Robin and I don't really think that anything's going to come of it. But at this stage we aren't too heartbroken over it. We are trusting in God on this one too, and as soon as we know something more, of course, as usual, you'll be the first to know.

Because, as you all know, I am totally incapable to keeping anything from you. Not even my dirty clothes that I had to wear for two days in a row because we didn't pack an overnight bag.

I also got my galactogogues yesterday while we were in Durban and started popping dem pills immediately so that hopefully my boozies will produce some boob-juice by the time Jesse-Lee arrives! And - woot woot! - they are actually prescription tranquilizers that have lactation as a side-effect! So, guess who is sooooper doooooper relaxed today? No prizes for guessing correctly, guys. Hint: has super-hot boozies and wears stinky dirty clothes for two days in a row. Me thinks these galactogogues are going to be ranking right up there with cappuccinos and David Cook soon. Speaking of which, if my booty doesn't stop shaking from all the happiness soon, I might need to pop a few more galactogogues / tranquilizers to slow down and stop doing the happy-that-I'm-going-to-be-a-mommy-soon-and-happy-that-David-Cook-won-and-happy-that-I-am-wearing-clean-clothes-and-that-I-smell-good dance. Because at this rate, I'm going to shake something loose soon. And it probably won't be footloose either. Although it does fit into the fave-80s-tunes category.

Ok, I really need to go now because I'm starting to talk rubbish. I'm blaming the tranquilizers. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Papers!!!

So I phoned about the Police Clearance and guess what? Apparently the "system was down" and now there is a backlog of about 12000 people's police clearances awaiting signatures! Oh man. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being a statistic? Especially when said statistic is grating is on one of my only working nerves. You guys need to please pray with us about it ok? I shudder to think that this one thing might prevent me from getting my family! OK, I mustn't think that way. Where's my faith? God knows exactly where in that pile of thousandsofpapers our police clearance is, and seeing as His finger is in our pie with this, I'm certain that He can find our papers inbetween all of that lot and get them signed and sent off to us before the court date for our adoption. Oh me of little faith.

Counting my chickens and babyclothes

Well, I certainly got my money's worth with those pills for my Stress Spots. (I should think so, at that price!) And I've even been sleeping too! Bonus! I need to get as many ZZZzzz's in now as possible, before the babies come home. It's min dae* now. Yay! In the meantime I've been keeping myself busy doing a stocktake of all the baby clothes. Yes, again. How anal am I? OK, don't answer that.

This is a portion of the clothes and bedding etc. that we have for the babies... I'm going to return all the duplicates we've been given, as well as any clothes that still have their tags on that I have enough of. Then I can also exchange it for more 'neutral' things that little boys AND girls can wear. Just in case everything falls into place for the little boy to becomes ours too. There are still a few questions there, so I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. But at the same time I'm planning as if he is ours already. Hectic. All these "ifs" are going to drive me loopy.

For example, IF we get him, I am going to stop working at the end of this month already - yup, in two weeks time. If we don't get him, I'll probably carry on working, but flexi-time. Which would mean that I'd still be earning dosh, which we reallllly need, but if we get the two, there's no way I'll be able to juggle two babies and work. Not to mention sleep! So, I'll sort-of have to stop working. Which actually suits me fine, what with my lazy, unambitious tendencies and all. Not that I'm going to get much rest, but frik!, I've been waiting my whole life to become a mommy, so nothing is going to stop me from enjoying every financially bankrupt, sleepless moment along the way!

I laugh in the face of danger, y'all.

I must tell you about something though that just shows me all over again that God has His finger in this pie of ours... As you know, our social worker was supposed to come and do our home study this past week. Well, the day before she was supposed to come to do the home study, she found out that she has colon cancer. So sad! I've been praying for her, and you all can too ok? Anyway, the way this impacts on our adoption is that she can no longer come to do the home study. But she will prepare our report just overlooking the fact and hopefully the judge/magistrate on the day of the adoption just won't ask about it. If he or she asks about it, then we'll tell the truth. But if he or she doesn't ask, well, then we'll let sleeping dogs lie and all of that. But, the way that the timing has been a blessing to us is that we would have had to pay approximately R4000 for the homestudy to be completed, including the social worker's time, travel, etc. And now? Well, we just won't be doing it anymore! Can you believe it? Of course, I know that God didn't cause Debbie to get cancer... But it just astounds me how He knew that she would find out the day before her trip to us in the bush, and helped to pan things out that the timing wouldn't allow her to complete the study for us! And in so doing save us four thousand smackaroos! Tell me that's not God's helping us! I just praise Him all day long.

Please pray with us about the Police Clearance too? We should have had it weeks ago already, but still nothing has arrived. Will you ask God with us to sort this out for us? It's out of our hands and it's making me a bit dippy.

Anyhoo... I'll chat again tomorrow. Enjoy the last of your weekend, guys. I'm going to get back to my stocktaking. Again. Just in case I've missed something.

Hypo-spotty

Ugghhh... It would seem that I'm just as big a hypochondriac as my dad and Robin. And that means that I will no longer be able to laugh mercilessly at their "old sports injuries" and "broken toes". Dang! I did so enjoy making fun of them. But now, alas, that will have to be a thing of the past.

.

See, the other night, while I was painting butterflies and bumble bees, I suddenly got the itches. All over my body. The back of my legs, my arms, my stomach, even the tops of my feet were itching. When I investigated what was itching, I found little white blisters adorning my previously-creamy-white-skin. My immediate reaction was "Oh no! It's CHICKEN POX!" then a smile began brewing at the corners of my mouth as I imagined TWO WHOLE WEEKS of peace and quiet at home, preparing for our babies, getting the final thingies finished... So, with a spring in my step and an appropriately demure expression of imagined illness on my face, I waltzed into the doctor's rooms this morning loudly proclaiming the fact that I was, in fact, UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! and oh so very contagious. In fact, I had to restrain myself from tying a handkerchief over my mouth and nose, so as to avoid spreading the voracious chicken pox germs to everyone I breathed upon. Imagine my disgust when my doctor took one look at my spots (which were REALLY THERE, by the way!) and said, "Oy, what are you stressing about, sweet lass?" and I replied disdainfully that I was "stressed about, like, um, having chickenpox!" As if it wasn't very obvious! Well, you could have blown me over with the fart of a feather when he said, "No, I'm sorry to burst your (chickenpox) bubble, but those aren't chickenpox spots... those are STRESS spots! You need to just relax!"

.

Where have I heard that before???

.

Dang. So, I've been prescribed a bunch of friggin expensive meds, sent back to work (no restful 2 week stint for me! sob!) and been duly instructed to just relax. As if that ever worked for me before.

Not home yet...

... but I thought I'd load some almost finished nursery pics. We still need to put up the dado rail on the walls, and put up the new curtains, and the cott bumper etc. But for now, if little Jesse-Lee is born early, we are READY! Things that still need doing:-

• Robin needs to build another cott for our little boy (he made the one in the pics - isn't he just totally gorgeous and irresistable?)


• I need to make another baby mobile that's not as feminine (I made the one in the pics)
  
• I need to sew roman blinds and new curtains for the two windows, and make a slip cover for the window seat (not in the pics yet), as well as a funky scatter cushion for in the rocker.
  
• I need to put another coat of paint on the refurbished rocker's arms, the bookshelf and the sidetable. LOADS of fun! Wouldn't mind someone would pay me to do it though!

• We need to put up the dado rail that goes around the room as the "divider" between the green and the blue, and then give it two coats of paint.

But, if our kiddies were to arrive tomorrow, we'd be ok. Which takes a weight off my shoulders. Which is also just as well, because right now I'm still stiff from all the armbreaking labour of painting those blinking walls!

Believe it or not - MORE showers of blessing!

Hold onto your seat folks. Robin and I drove down to Durban today (hence the no blogging for a few days - hectic preparations for meetings, painting the baby room, working inbetween paint sessions, more baby room preparations, and did I mention painting?...) and guess what happened tonight? ANOTHER Baby Shower! It's like a wonderful dream that I just don't want to wake up from!

And being a bit of a freebie whore, I was in "present heaven" tonight, unwrapping gift after gift after precious gift for our baby(ies).

What's that I just said? BabIES? Woot woot! Yes, babies. It looks like we might be getting the little boy after all. And probably a whole lot sooner than we thought too. The mom (oh, my heart just breaks for her!) has requested a week to just gather all her ducks and get them into a row, and then we shall start proceedings for the adoption. OH MY WORD! I'm going to be a Mom to TWO CHILLENS! Robin and I are totally over the moon. He tells me I'm the cow that jumped over the moon. You know - Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat and the fiddle?... Yup, that one. What. Eh. Va. I'm so going to be a Mommy soon! Yay!

Bring it on.

So, I thought I'd share a few pics of tonight with you guys. I didn't even bother doing a tally of all the gorgeous gifts we got tonight. We got TONS of gorgeous thingies for the baby(ies). Loooooots of pink. We're going to have to use all the vouchers and dosh we got to stock up on little boy clothes (especially from 3-6 months and older, because he's 2 months old right now). Our vet (we're quite good friends with him after all our pet palavas) and one of his office ladies named Dee, got us a whole bakkieload of boy things! And I mean a WHOLE bakkieload. They even bought us 120 nappies. And they're getting us a baby-bath, and another pram and and and...! I mean??? What planet is this that we're living on that people are SO generous? I keep telling you guys how totally bowled away we are by the generosity of people, but until you could see all the things we've been given, there's no way you could fathom how humble it's made me feel. Wow. God really does have a thousand ways of providing for us of which we know nothing.

Now for some pics. First, some pics of the Baby Shower in Dundee this week ... and then some pics of the Baby Shower tonight here in Durbs. I'll put one or two pics here too, but click on the links if you want to see more.

Tomorrow morning early, we have doctors appointments with Lindsay (and Victor will come along too) for a standard pre-natal checkup. Afterwards we're taking them out for tea somewhere nice, then heading back home to the semi-newly-painted Hillbilly Dump. (And then I'll post some pics of the nursery! yay!)

Seriously, could life get any better than this?

Instinct (and some pics)

It was my Mother Bear instincts that kicked in yesterday. I think it was also the deciding factor for me about accepting the little boy or not. See, our neighbour (on the farm next door to us, with the zebras) got wind that we were offered a little boy in addition to the little girl and phoned to ask if she could come and visit. First time ever that she came for a visit too! So, I was a bit curious about why the sudden visit? What I never knew was that she was struggling with infertility! She lives about a kilometre away from me and I just never knew! But how is this for a coincidence? She was getting treatment from the very same doctors as I was, in Durban. I mean, there's a team of doctors that work at the Life Centre (300 kilometres away!), and out of that team, she was working with the very same doctors at the very same practise as were on my case! How crazy is that coincidence?

Oh, my heart just broke for her! She said that it was the first time she'd ever spoken to anyone about her feelings. She and I shared our stories with each other, and many a tear were shed. But I realized while we were chatting, that though I understood EVERYTHING she said; though I shared a "been there, done that" t-shirt with her, I was already on "the other side". She already looked at me in much the same way as many of us infertiles look at those lucky ones who have gone on to become pregnant and have their dreams come true. She was envious of me! It was such a weird, awkward realization for me! Almost like, I no longer fit in the category of infertile anymore! Such a strange, out of sorts feeling. I mean, I am still one hundred percent totally incapable of having a baby pop from my own loins, but now I am getting two! Two precious little bundles that will call me Mommy. Me! How did that even happen? I'm telling you, it was all God. This can only be God's doing! And it just makes me want to sing His praises at the top of my lungs!

So, anyway, there we were sitting, dishing out tissues ten to the dozen, and then she piped up in a warbly, squeaky, too-afraid-to-even-ask little voice: "Char, are you sure that you want this little boy too?" and in her eyes I saw that kind of hope lurking, that only someone at the very edge of their resources has - a steady, quiet, determined type of desperation that prompts you to do things you would normally never do; that would prompt her to say, if given a chance, that she wanted him more than me. She never said it, but I felt it in her quiet little question. And that's when my Mother Bear Instinct kicked in. And I steeled my heart and said "Yes, I want him. With all my heart I want him. If I can have him, I will."

I told Robin later, when my defences were down again, that she was unwittingly the person who pushed me over the edge of indecision. Call it greed. Call it selfish. But I have a choice. And I've chosen him. I want him. And if I can, I will take him and love him till I breathe my very last breath. And then I will love him for eternity afterwards, when Jesus raises us from the dead at the resurrection. If God gives us these two little babies, I will treat them like the treasures they really are. Gifts from God Himself.

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Time for some pics of our progress in the nursery. But first I want to show you some really nifty things that I bought for the nursery that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE! It's weird how I always sort of had an idea of how I wanted to decorate my nursery one day if I ever fell pregnant and now that I'm preparing for our baby(s), my ideas are totally different to what I thought I'd like. And boy oh boy has my Nesting Instinct kicked in! It's kicking butt actually. (Almost as strongly as my Mother Bear Instincts, but a bit more frantic!) Anyhoo... So, I love storage and clever ways to make storage pretty. I found this AWESOME retro funky box and I just couldn't resist it. So I bought it on the spot. It now serves as my inspiration reference for everything we're making in the nursery.

Above: Inspiration Box

And then I went and chose some paint thingy-majiggies so I could choose the wall colours. I am still a bit undecided, but we have a thick chunky warm rug for the floor (because at the moment we have HORRIBLE cream lino floor tiles on the floor and I need something to hide them away. I console myself with the fact that they aren't green. Or grey. Or worse: patterned! Ugghhhh!... we're hoping to tile out the house soon, and then hopefully we will be forever rid of the dreaded lino floor tiles). But the rug we have is peach. Which just isn't my colour at all. But we'll work with it. Here are the paint sample thingy-me-bobs:-

Obviously I won't choose dark colours for the walls... but I don't want a pink room. Which is just as well, seeing as we might be adding a little boy to the room too! Yay! Once I've made my decision and started painting, I'll show you some pics again ok?

And then, I thought, well, let me paint all the wooden furniture white. And allow the room colours to be dictated by the accessories, rather than the furniture. So I painted even the toybox white... And then it looked bland to me. So I've pimped my toybox a bit too! haha. I couldn't resist. So, now it matches my inspiration box a bit! But that will be the only "wild" furniture in the room.

And then I bought some more nifty storage baskets. These will eventually go on the "bookshelf" next to the changing table, along with my inspiration box. At the moment they are just stashed in the cupboards with the other baby stuff, while I paint the bookshelf white. What a job! But eventually they will have a pretty spot to sit on.

We've been busy with plenty more too, but I thought I'd save a few photos for another day. And for when the room is looking a bit more loved and organized. I just can't believe that this stuff is all ours! Not someone else's for their baby. But ours. How lifechanging! Have I mentioned how excited I am??? (And poepbang at the same time?)