The girlchild turns 8.

I kid you not.

It has been EIGHT WHOLE YEARS since this happened. 

Sometimes I forget how it felt - the yearning for a little person to call me "mommy".  And then, I meander back to my blog to look at the pics of just how little she was, and I remember all the anguish and impatience and desperation to have a child. Then I realise that all of those yearny feelings are gone, baby, gone.

How lucky am I?

Happy birthday, my little girly-snokkels. Mommy loves you SO very much!

Sandy is Jesse's favourite person... Er, playmate

Whenever Jesse and I play outside (which is pretty much all day, every day), Jesse hangs out with our labby. They are best buddies! Where the one goes, the other follows. It's so cute.

While I find it adorable that these two are such good pals, it leads me to wonder if Jesse might need some playmates. Of a more homo sapien variety. You know, before Jesse starts barking.

*sigh* Where are some good, fertile eggs when you need them?

How far we've come!

I sometimes forget just how far we have come, from even just a year and a half ago, to this day. I might get frustrated at Jess and seriously consider growling at her, or I get annoyed when I need to climb out of bed four or five times at night to see to her... and then I was reminded of how badly my heart ached to be able to do these things... to feel a little hand pulling at my jeans, or see those little lips puckered up for a smooch just from me! And I can kick myself for even getting slightly annoyed! Allow me to share an excerpt (or fifty) with you, from my prayer journal.

25 October 2006

Dear Father in Heaven, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit,

I don't know what to say, but please forgive me. I have been (indirectly) SO angry at You again, that You didn't intervene and allow me to have Jodi-Lee. But at the same time I've been asking You to help me to trust You. I've been struggling, Lord. But You haven't left my side. I've been trying to trust You through it all, but on my own steam, when I really needed to be crouching at Your feet in submission and begging Your intervention and grace. My heart has been in rebellion to You. but You are SO gracious and kind - selfless - that You laid down EVERYTHING to redeem me at great cost - Your own blood! - How can I then rebel against You for not intervening in this one aspect for me? O God, thank You for teaching me that "the glory that shines from Jesus' face is the glory of selfless love. [Your] sacrifice on Calvary shows that the law of selfless love is the law of life for earth and heaven. This selfless love comes straight from the heart of God." {from the book called 'Messiah' chapter 1} So, when I am selfish it is because I am not activated by YOUR heart and spirit. If you live in me, selflessness will be my natural tendency. Oh God, please come and live in me again! Please may I be led of Your Spirit and be living in Your presence and freely give my rebellious heart's desires and trust You selflessless with that which I desire more than anything in this world: a baby. Please God, I am so tired of hurting with this. I just want to give it to You once and for all and experience peace in the certainty that You know what You're doing. After all, You are GOD! There is no higher authority! Oh God, pleeeeeeeeez: make me Yours. Please help me to surrender daily and so to love and trust You more every day. Please God, because this is what You desire for me. And because this is exactly what Jesus died to accomplish. A renewed trusting relationship with me. And please, Lord, let it begin NOW.

In Jesus name,

amen.

December 2006

Dear Father in Heaven

What an amazing God You are, and for so long I have lost sight of it. I just want to praise You for helping me through this week. I have FINALLY given up on trying to be pregnant and what a relief it has been for me. You are teaching me what it means to trust You again. Please Lord, don't stop now. You know what You're doing. You know what's best and help me to keep remembering that. Thank You so much!

Amen

26 June 2007

Lord God,

It's astounded me that it has been more than six months since I last wrote in my prayer journal! It is also six months since we stopped trying to get pregnant. Has it also been six months since I last trusted You with my heart's desire??? Has it been six months since I lost myself in You, or has it been even longer?

This has been the hardest time of our lives and I wonder if maybe that's because I didn't really have You in it? You must be so sick and tired of hearing me rededicate my life to You. But I honestly don't know what else to do! I don't know the right way anymore and I can't trust myself to stick by it. Instead, I simply need You in my life, Lord Jesus. I need to know You, so that I will remember how to love You and trust You again. It has been years of this now... I look back in my prayer journal and I am ashamed. I am embarrassed at the monotony of it and that I haven't allowed You the space to work in me. O God, please forgive me! Help me to start anew with You. I really need You leading me. All my efforts have been futile and yet You have remained faithful. You have lifted me up on my weakest days and carried me. And more importantly, You have sustained my life up until now, so that I would have this opportunity to repent. What an awesome God You are!!! You are amazing. Thank You Father in heaven. Thank You for this opportunity to start again. I am so grateful. Please take this gratitude and allow it to grow into Love for You and trust. I want to be saved by You. You have promised that You began a good work in me and that You will be faithful to complete it. Please Lord, would you restart the "factory" again in me, reproducing Your likeness in me. I want my heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh.

For Your glory, Lord!

amen

25 Jan 2008

Lord Jesus,

Perhaps the solution to my see-saw devotions is to stop looking back and to just focus on what You have done for me, today, and to not put pressure on myself for the future? What do You think? Because I seriously don't trust myself to stay devoted to You! On the contrary - YOU never change! Your feelings toward me haven't changed. You died for me already 2000 years before I was even born! How incredible of You! You know the awful path I am bent on and You know where it's leading me. I am so inconsistent! It's always either fervor or failure with me, isn't it? Where is the happy medium? Although, now, when I think of it, that would be lukewarm, wouldn't it? And You've already told us that conclusion. So Lord, all I can do is fall on You, the Rock, and be broken. I am already broken, Lord. This body of mine don't work too good! :o) It's only You who can piece me back together again.

So, help!

Please Lord!

amen

17 March 2008

Father in Heaven

Sometimes I wonder what Your plan is for me. I am trying to trust You. My head tells me that You are God and that You know what You are doing. So I should trust You. But my heart is still breaking! Every baby I see is a fresh reminder. I feel a bit shattered, Jesus. I am REALLY struggling with this again. Where is the baby for us??? What is Your plan??? Whta must we do? It feels as if everything we do gets a green light, but then it just falls through as we move forward. What must we do? Is it just to trust You? I must admit, that is one of the hardest things! Please God, help me to trust You then. If that is all You require, I am going to need Your help with that. Because I am failing dismally. Lord Jesus, please intercede for us and for me in God's throne room! Holy Spirit - I so need You! Without You, this is all hopeless!

Otherwise there's nothing left in this life for me!

amen

27 March 2008

Dear Father in Heaven

The way You are opening doors for us to become adoptive parents just astounds and excites me!!! Oh God, how awesome You are!!! You ask - will I still be faithful to You if You didn't do this for me... I want to answer 'yes' because that's what I have tried to do in these last six or seven years, when we made no progress in the babymaking department. You know how my very heart cried out to You in anguish. You saw me. You still do. And, o God, will this time be You answering 'Yes' ? I pray it is. Oh God, grant Robin and I a family to love. Please Jesus! You created us and told us to have children. Why would You then withold the very thing You have commanded? Especially when miracles are Your specialty? Lord God in heaven, please will You open the doors for us? I already have my heart set on this little baby! But Father, You know the future. Please Lord, if THIS is the baby for US, please let the birthmom sign the consent forms. We have hurt so much in this journey! Lord Jesus, You heart Rachel's prayer and opened her womb. You heard Hannah's prayer too. You heard Abraham and Sarah. Hear me now, Lord. Please. This is my prayer. I know You CAN! But will You? Please Lord, do! And God, I really want to mean this: Your will, not mine.

Help me to mean it?

Amen

28 March 2008

Dear Lord God

I am so excited about the possibilities for us and for the meeting on Tuesday. O Lord I am like a stuck record! But Lord, can I hide anything from You? No. You see my need. You know that we would teach our child(ren) about You. And so, God, please grant us children to love. Fill our home with them so that we can lead them to YOu and so that we will also finally understand the kind of Fatherly love You have for us. How else could we realize the magnificent power of unconditional love?

Amen

9 April 2008

Lord God

Thank You so much for leading and guiding. I want to praise Your holy name. You are eternal, everlasting, all-knowing, all-powerful. You are love. You invented happiness and peace. Without You, that is impossible.
I have read of Your character this morning in Psalm 102. It tells of Your Godness. And then it says in verse 17: "I know that You will respond to the pleas of Your people and that You will not let their prayers go unanswered." Father in Heaven, I know You have heard the pleas of Your people crying out on our behalf. You hear them. You see the birthmom and her unborn child. You know that baby's character. You knit her together in her birthmom's womb. You are the Creator and Giver of Life. Is this the baby for us? Would Y ou give us this little life to love and nurture?

I promise (not as a bargaining tactic) that if You do, o Lord, "What You do will be written down (by me on my blog) for coming generations, and people...will read it and praise You for it." Psalms 102 v 18 with my words in brackets.

For Your glory, Lord Jesus, Father and Holy
Spirit!

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10 April 2008

Father in Heaven

I am growing to love our time together every morning. Thank You for giving me another day, Lord Jesus. You give me the ability to get out of bed every morning and You fill me with peace. It is Your peace, Lord, which has made me calm as we wait on the birthmom's decision. Please Lord, will You lead us? And especially the birthmom's family. Warm their hearts toward us if this is Your will, so that this decision will be an easy one for them. Thank You Lord for everyone who is praying with us, and thank You Lord, that it is a little girl!!!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

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17 April 2008

Lord Jesus,

You have opened SO many doors for us to get to this point... You pulled strings to get the other couple out of the picture, who the birthmom had originally chosen as the family for her unborn child. You arranged for our profile to get into her hands. You arranged it months ago that the birthmom's crisis counselor became our friend and then You orchestrated that she also became the birthmom's crisis counselor! You made the birthgranny frustrated enough that she wanted to set up a meeting with us, even though in the social worker's eyes that's not done. And then You made it possible for us to meet with the birthmom and the birthdad too! How many doors You have already opened for us!!! It is so exciting!!! You are answering our prayers. Oh Lord, but now, oh how HARD it is becoming to just sit back and wait while they make a decision! The longer they take, the more I am inclined to think that they aren't choosing us as the family for their baby. Oh God, I am trusting You in all of this, but I am going to be honest when I tell You that this waiting is working on me now. It is grinding on my emotions and I am feeling heartbroken, even though we haven't had an answer yet and they might even still say yes. But at this stage we don't know. And that's the hard part. Waiting. And not knowing. And Lord, You know. You are in control. You know already what they are going to decide. O God, please do this for Robin and I so that I can tell everyone what You have done for us! O Lord, please stretch out Your mighty arm and open their hearts and minds to us, and SOON! Please Lord, TODAY! O Lord, please take this burden of waiting from us. Thank You Lord that You will make Your decision on how to answer this prayer with YOUR will in mind, because You know what's best and because You are teaching me how to trust You again. So God in Heaven, be merciful to me and Robin, please. Look on us with pity, Lord, so that we can be parents, so that we can give this baby a name that will honor You and so that we can teach her to love You and she can be saved by Your grace. O God, please open the doors! Please Lord, look upon us with mercy and favour. May our lives be a testimony to Your grace and power and love.

Please Lord, also be with the birthmom especially today.

Bless her and watch over the little baby.

Please, pick us!!!

Please Jesus.

Please.

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18 April 2008

O Lord!!! Thank You!!! My heart soars in praise to You! You have given us this baby!!! I am so excited and amazed and blessed! So much more than I deserve. This is all only blessing! And so, Father we are going to name her somthing that praises You for the rest of her life:

Jesse-Lee

Jesse meaning "Gift from God" and Lee being Robin's family name, passed down from every firstborn to every firstborn. So, every time we say her name we will be praising You for the gift of her. Praising You! For ever!

Oh, thank You Lord!

Thank You!

Thank You!

And that is how we came to have little Jesse-Lee in our life. The biggest blessing ever! I stand in awe of God when I read back in my prayer journal. What a long journey we walked with God until He blessed us with little Jesse-Lee. How humbling it is to consider that God - the CREATOR of the entire universe - chose us to be the family for little Jesse-Lee. He knit her together in her mother's womb with US in mind. How very humbling and awe-inspiring. I pray daily that God will make Robin and I the kind of parents who will honour His decision to have us parent her. Our gift from God.

Crisis averted

OK, so I caught a bit of a speed wobble yesterday. I'll admit it. But today I'm totally in control. This "I'm having a baby and you're not!" thing is not going to get the better of me! I will be the bigger person.

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Unpreggy belly notwithstanding.

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I am a good head taller than Lindsay anyways.

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And who knows, maybe she'll totally freak out and beg me to adopt her second baby when the baby is crying all hours of night and keeping the whole household awake (Wishful thinking!) come to her senses and decide to do what's best for the baby, after all.

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Until then, I will take all of my clever friends and family's advice and MOVE ON! Pretend I don't know what's happening in Durban. And just love on my baby banana booger. I am already SO blessed to have her. I am totally grateful for her and could just spend all day kissing her dimpled cheeks!

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So, instead of being bitter and jealous and cross, I am going to be happy! Happy I have Jess and happy that I'm not still waiting for my baby. Happy that she is ours. Happy that Victor and Lindsay chose what was best for Jess. Without them we'd never have had her to begin with! So, I can't be cross with them for their decision this time round.

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And if, for some unknown reason, Victor and Lindsay also catch a speedwobble and need to ask us to adopt baby number two, dang!, I'll be happier still.

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I'm just saying.

Somebody pour me a stiff drink!

I actually don't have the words to express what I'm feeling right now. So I'm just going to tell you what's happening and you can imagine for yourselves how this has impacted us.

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Jesse-Lee's birthmother, Lindsay, is seven months pregnant. And she just found out a few days ago. It is a little girl. And she is keeping the baby this time round. She and Victor (Jesse-Lee's birthfather) are going to move in together and make a little family together.

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Forgive me if I'm sounding jaded and cynical. I'm just sharing the facts with you first. Because somehow I can make sense of this situation better if I just let it all hang right out there. I'll think about this all afterwards. Right now I just need to spill it.

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Ja, so Jesse-Lee was barely even 7 or 8 weeks old when her birthmother conceived again. A little seventeen year-old girl is giving birth to her SECOND child in a year! This fills me with rage and jealousy and anger and resentment and total absolute SHOCK! I cannot process this information. Even as I write these words I am shaking my head and clenching my jaw.

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Lindsay and Victor are going to care for this child, living in an abandoned wharehouse in an industrial area of a rambling city, where they will share ONE room with the rest of his family and ONE toilet with the rest of the tenants in the building. This is what they want for their second child together.

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They say that the pain of parting with Jesse-Lee was too great for them. Although I have never had to give away my baby, so I cannot relate to it, now that I've been a mom, I can well imagine how gut-wrenching that decision must have been for them.

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But what about THE BABY??? What about what's best for the baby? What about what's best for Jess? I look at Jess now, knowing that within 8 weeks she will have a baby sister. And where will her sister be? Over 300 kilometres away, living in squalor, the child of an abusive relationship.

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I am so angry! I know it is probably unreasonable. My head tells me that I shouldn't be so angry. But, dang!, I am! I am furious that Lindsay be given another child when I'm still unable to produce a sibling for Jesse-Lee. Not that we were trying again. But, there was a bit of Hope hanging around, that Jess would not land up being a single child. But that she would know the joy of having a brother or sister to tease her, to keep her company, to love and to laugh with.

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And now she will have the sibling. But without the relationship!

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I am so so SO hurting over this.

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How can Lindsay and Victor be SO selfish that they would deny their second child the opportunity to be cared for properly? To know her sister? To be OURS. Basically that's what I really want to say.

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I want her. I want that baby with every fiber in my being. I want to hold Jess and that baby together on my lap.

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And yet, I have no right whatsoever to even ASK for her.

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I know that I should be grateful we even have Jess. And yes, of course I'm grateful! Of course my heart fills with overwhelming love and adoration and total custard-pumping-madness for my daughter! Of course I'm grateful for her.

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Why, then, am I so upset about this new development?

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I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I am not going to rise in defense of my feelings. I am not going to be defensive about it. I simply feel it and I need to acknowledge it so that I can somehow process it.

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I just can't believe it. Jess is going to have a sister, and she won't be mine.

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I'm heartbroken.

Instinct (and some pics)

It was my Mother Bear instincts that kicked in yesterday. I think it was also the deciding factor for me about accepting the little boy or not. See, our neighbour (on the farm next door to us, with the zebras) got wind that we were offered a little boy in addition to the little girl and phoned to ask if she could come and visit. First time ever that she came for a visit too! So, I was a bit curious about why the sudden visit? What I never knew was that she was struggling with infertility! She lives about a kilometre away from me and I just never knew! But how is this for a coincidence? She was getting treatment from the very same doctors as I was, in Durban. I mean, there's a team of doctors that work at the Life Centre (300 kilometres away!), and out of that team, she was working with the very same doctors at the very same practise as were on my case! How crazy is that coincidence?

Oh, my heart just broke for her! She said that it was the first time she'd ever spoken to anyone about her feelings. She and I shared our stories with each other, and many a tear were shed. But I realized while we were chatting, that though I understood EVERYTHING she said; though I shared a "been there, done that" t-shirt with her, I was already on "the other side". She already looked at me in much the same way as many of us infertiles look at those lucky ones who have gone on to become pregnant and have their dreams come true. She was envious of me! It was such a weird, awkward realization for me! Almost like, I no longer fit in the category of infertile anymore! Such a strange, out of sorts feeling. I mean, I am still one hundred percent totally incapable of having a baby pop from my own loins, but now I am getting two! Two precious little bundles that will call me Mommy. Me! How did that even happen? I'm telling you, it was all God. This can only be God's doing! And it just makes me want to sing His praises at the top of my lungs!

So, anyway, there we were sitting, dishing out tissues ten to the dozen, and then she piped up in a warbly, squeaky, too-afraid-to-even-ask little voice: "Char, are you sure that you want this little boy too?" and in her eyes I saw that kind of hope lurking, that only someone at the very edge of their resources has - a steady, quiet, determined type of desperation that prompts you to do things you would normally never do; that would prompt her to say, if given a chance, that she wanted him more than me. She never said it, but I felt it in her quiet little question. And that's when my Mother Bear Instinct kicked in. And I steeled my heart and said "Yes, I want him. With all my heart I want him. If I can have him, I will."

I told Robin later, when my defences were down again, that she was unwittingly the person who pushed me over the edge of indecision. Call it greed. Call it selfish. But I have a choice. And I've chosen him. I want him. And if I can, I will take him and love him till I breathe my very last breath. And then I will love him for eternity afterwards, when Jesus raises us from the dead at the resurrection. If God gives us these two little babies, I will treat them like the treasures they really are. Gifts from God Himself.

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Time for some pics of our progress in the nursery. But first I want to show you some really nifty things that I bought for the nursery that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE! It's weird how I always sort of had an idea of how I wanted to decorate my nursery one day if I ever fell pregnant and now that I'm preparing for our baby(s), my ideas are totally different to what I thought I'd like. And boy oh boy has my Nesting Instinct kicked in! It's kicking butt actually. (Almost as strongly as my Mother Bear Instincts, but a bit more frantic!) Anyhoo... So, I love storage and clever ways to make storage pretty. I found this AWESOME retro funky box and I just couldn't resist it. So I bought it on the spot. It now serves as my inspiration reference for everything we're making in the nursery.

Above: Inspiration Box

And then I went and chose some paint thingy-majiggies so I could choose the wall colours. I am still a bit undecided, but we have a thick chunky warm rug for the floor (because at the moment we have HORRIBLE cream lino floor tiles on the floor and I need something to hide them away. I console myself with the fact that they aren't green. Or grey. Or worse: patterned! Ugghhhh!... we're hoping to tile out the house soon, and then hopefully we will be forever rid of the dreaded lino floor tiles). But the rug we have is peach. Which just isn't my colour at all. But we'll work with it. Here are the paint sample thingy-me-bobs:-

Obviously I won't choose dark colours for the walls... but I don't want a pink room. Which is just as well, seeing as we might be adding a little boy to the room too! Yay! Once I've made my decision and started painting, I'll show you some pics again ok?

And then, I thought, well, let me paint all the wooden furniture white. And allow the room colours to be dictated by the accessories, rather than the furniture. So I painted even the toybox white... And then it looked bland to me. So I've pimped my toybox a bit too! haha. I couldn't resist. So, now it matches my inspiration box a bit! But that will be the only "wild" furniture in the room.

And then I bought some more nifty storage baskets. These will eventually go on the "bookshelf" next to the changing table, along with my inspiration box. At the moment they are just stashed in the cupboards with the other baby stuff, while I paint the bookshelf white. What a job! But eventually they will have a pretty spot to sit on.

We've been busy with plenty more too, but I thought I'd save a few photos for another day. And for when the room is looking a bit more loved and organized. I just can't believe that this stuff is all ours! Not someone else's for their baby. But ours. How lifechanging! Have I mentioned how excited I am??? (And poepbang at the same time?)

Finding beauty in unexpected places

We are struggling to hold up our heads at the moment. Robin especially. He is heartbroken that it seems our quest to find a social worker to do a home study for us isn't yielding any results. Social workers are just so overworked. They shudder at taking on yet another couple - especially when you live in the sticks. Three hours from the nearest city. There are three social workers in Dundee, but do you think any of them are even available telephonically? Nope.

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I guess I wasn't expecting to get immediate results - or maybe I've hardened my thick skin enough that I am not nearly as disappointed as Robin at this stage. Maybe I'm not really expecting a good outcome. Either way, I'm nowhere near as depressed as my hubby.

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What does eat at me though is - when Robin's hurting or angry about the situation, I struggle to distance myself from playing the Blame Game with myself. You know how it goes. If it wasn't for me, he'd have been a father already. I wonder if he's angry at me for denying him the chance to be a father? I wonder if he'd prefer to be with someone else? Maybe he wants to leave me? Maybe he's waiting for me to do something wrong so that he can... Ugh. Awful. And that's what's got my head hanging. It's my stupid body's fault that I can't have babies. Not his.

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And that makes it very very hard to be ok, when he's not.

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Because even though my head says "stop being ridiculous"... my heart is breaking. For my hubby. For me too. But even more because of how I've let my hubby down.
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And so I spend my days searching for beauty and things to make me smile. This email brought me a huge smile this morning. And also a few tears.

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In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?

(The pics in the email have a 2004 date stamp, so I guess it's a very old story. This was the first time I read it.)

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I wonder if there are a few "piggies" out there for me somewhere?

Crazy Sexy and Things That Bite At Night

Well, what a good, solid navel-gazing session that was on Friday. Let's hope we don't go there for a long time again. (I just know you're all breathing huge sighs of relief right now - YAY! no more infertility issues for a while! It just might be safe to return to Char's blog!) I so hear you. And I agree. But I must tell you, I feel SO MUCH better for having vented a bit. And thanks for all the awesome comments you left me. I only read them a little while ago - I didn't trust myself to check my emails or my blog for a few days.

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But what a swift kick up my derrière I got when I watched Oprah on the weekend and realized what an enormous ungrateful sop I am really... I usually record all of the shows during the week, then sit down at some stage and do some catching up while the dirty dishes attract flies and cockroaches stacked in the kitchen sink. So I snuggled into my favourite couch with a cuppa and pressed play on my nifty pvr (I think some of you called that teevo?). The show was called Dr Oz: A Special Report on Death. I know - just makes you wanna go out and buy a copy of the show, huh? But seriously - if I watched that show once this weekend, I watched it fifty-two times. Dr Oz interviewed a lady named Kris Carr and I was bowled away by her exuberance and total passion for life. And get this - she is diagnosed with stage four cancer. Since she was diagnosed, she has created the documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer for TLC. And then went on to write the book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips. What an AMAZING woman! I just couldn't get past something that she said when Dr Oz interviewed her for Oprah...

"I think that life is just too sweet to be bitter," she says. "Once I was able to change my focus, desperation led to inspiration. Once I was able to do that, I looked around me. I made so many changes and I thought, 'This is an awesome life. I mean, honestly, I don't think anybody has a better life than me. When people ask me 'How do you live your life with the knowledge of cancer?' I say 'I might not ever be able to get rid of it, but I can't let that ruin my life.'"

Hello. Wow. What a paradigm shift. The Oprah website says:-

Kris says the way she has reacted to her cancer is the way everyone should evaluate their lives. "I think just go for it. Life is a terminal condition. We're all going to die," she says. "Cancer patients might have more information, but we all, in some ways, wait for that great permission to live."

I am so going to buy her book. I could use some of her enthusiasm! And would you know it - she blogs! Could she get more perfect? I wonder if she'd like to be my new best friend for ever?

Seriously. I mean - she has CANCER! I'm not even dying and I was moping about so much that I wouldn't have objected if I'd known my funeral was imminent. I have to stop moping. There is so much to LIVE for. Life is worth living. Not just existing.

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I choose to be a tigger, not an eeyore. (Quote: Randy Pausch, the other interviewee on that show that day. Click on the link to watch the awesome talk he gave.)

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Before I go and try to make friends with Kris leave a comment on Kris's blog, I just have to tell you about my going-to-bed incident last night. I did my usual pre-bedtime routine (I'm a creature of habit, y'all) then as I was pulling apart my bed (continental cushions, spare pillows, quilt, etc.) I heard the strangest crackling sound. It sounded like static electricity. Mmmm... wonder what could be making that sound? Continued pulling pillows off the bed. Then, as I was removing my extra pillows I heard the sound again. And guess what it was? An ENORMOUS spider web from my pillow to the bedside table. Oh my word! And, where there be spider webs, there be... yip: Those Icky Leggy Things That Bite At Night. And leave enormous welts all over your body. More than once. Out came the trusty DOOM spray, and I proceeded to fumigate everything. Which apparently causes said Icky Leggy Things That Bite At Night to come out of their hiding places. But not die.

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I had to photograph it, because you wouldn't have believed me if I had to tell you how big this thing was. Behold the Bugg(er).

And you wonder why I have trouble sleeping! Grrr... Gives me the hippy creapies just thinking about it!

Body shopping

Warning: infertility issues again.

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They're stalking me again. The preggos. Everywhere I turn there is another bulging belly. Big, round, bulging bellies. Everywhere. Even on my favourite teevee shows. It seems I just can't escape this fertile planet. I feel like an alien. Like the only defective species roaming the corridors of a very lush, fertile paradise. Just when I think I've escaped to a place of safety, I get another email. Another pregnancy announcement. Another invitation to another stork party of another person who "fell pregnant when they weren't even trying". I'm sick of it.

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And I'm trying SOOO hard not to be jealous. Or angry. Not to mention bitter and resentful. Those are all the things that I don't want in my cup. And yet my cup overfloweth. In a bad way.

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Last night I sat through an episode of Private Practice where babies were being born left right and centre. Screaming, angry women bemoaning their pregnancies. And then immediately after that was Desperate Housewives, where Bree's daughter gives birth.

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Can't I even escape to my little teevee world where I can watch my shows and not have to wonder what Robin's thinking while he watches with me???

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I am tired. Tired of having to be ok with it all the time. Tired of there not being an escape. I want to escape. I don't want to have to face my infertility every day. I don't want to have to think about how I've let my hubby down. I don't want to have to smile and ooh and ahh and be happy for others anymore, when all I'm really feeling in that moment is anger and hurt.

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I want to be able to really be happy for them.

I want to be browse through shops without avoiding the baby aisle.

I want to be able to feel like a wife should feel. Like I've been a part of my hubby fulfilling his dreams. Not denying him the very thing he's always wanted more than anything else.

I want to be able to talk with my friends about their children. And actually have something to contribute.

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I just don't want this anymore. This barren body I'm stuck in.

I don't like this body much anymore. (Apart from the boobs, that is.)

And I can't get rid of it.

It follows me wherever I go.

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If anyone knows of someone with a body going on special, let me know please. I'll be the highest bidder. It just better be one that can pop real live healthy babies. Or else I'll be asking for a refund on that one too.

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Found this article online - written by a physician to fellow physicians, addressing the psychological impact of infertility on their patients and how they should address their patients facing these challenges. I might as well have written it myself. It is that accurate.

Of Frogs and Outcomes

My yesterday started with me climbing out of bed to get dressed. And stepping on a loving gift that one of my cats had left for me beside my bed. And it just happened to be something that bursts when you stand on it. From what I could make out as I tried my best not to add some of my supper to the mess scraped the gooey remnants from my footsole, it appeared to be a frog. And that set the tone for the remainder of what turned out to be Cycle Day One.

And this is what I spent the remainder of Cycle Day 1 doing...

- Asking God to help me be ok.
- Had lunch at a friend's house. Where there happened to be some other friends invited who had their baby three weeks ago.
- Endured much ooh-ing and ahh-ing.
- Asking God to give us a baby, for Robin's sake and not for mine. I'm done asking for myself.
- Holding friend's baby and wishing it was mine.
- Praising God for life. And asking Him to help me reconcile the fact that I probably will never hold my own baby. And to help me be ok with that eventuality.
- More ooh-ing and ahh-ing.
- Listened to lots of unsolicited advice from old aunties who have heard that I should just adopt and I'll miraculously fall pregnant soon after that.
- Refrained from telling them that right now it is impossible for a white South African to adopt. That I had personally phoned twelve adoption agencies and not ONE of them had been willing to even write down my name, because their waiting lists are 11,000 strong. And that if we were to adopt a baby with a different ethnic group to mine, I'd have to raise that child exactly as if I were it's ethnic equal. Which I wouldn't be able to do. Seeing as I am, unfortunately, not a Zulu. Or Xhosa. And therefore do not know how to raise a child as one.
- Nodded and said "Yes, I have heard stories like that before."
- Spent a lot of time staring at the baby and wondering if they would be able to catch me if I grabbed her and made a dash into the mountains considering my chances of ever acquiring having one of my own.
- Listened to four of the women talk about how "next time I fall pregnant, I'll definitely not have an epidural." And trying my best to look comfortable.
- Wondered if my friends would ever get past the Babymaking Age.
- Wondered if I would ever make it to the other side.
- Looked forward to the ripe old age of fifty, by which age, surely, I would no longer have to juggle wanting to spend time with my friends and wanting to avoid them because they are either pregnant, or trying to fall pregnant, or nursing, or only talking about how cute their little one is because they're now walking / talking / sitting on their own / starting school soon.
- Wondered if I would still have anything in common with them, by then.
- Thanked God that at least one of my friends will never have children, because of circumstances in her life which don't allow for it.
- Felt guilty for being so selfish.
- Asked God to forgive me for being resentful.
- Tried not to weep when Robin held the baby and remembered again that if it weren't for ME, he'd have been a father years ago already.
- Begged God to grant our request for a child, for Robin's sake. Again.
- Listened to some more unsolicited advice from grannies who never had problems conceiving, but who have all the answers.
- Eventually escaped Came home and had friends come to visit.
- Including the one I'm convinced is pregnant!

Am I a sucker for punishment or what?

CD 26

It is Cycle Day 26. Which is right about when my hormones usually start going totally wacko and everything falls apart. Ummm, maybe that sounded a bit too descriptive. Hmmm. Well, I meant it in a "things start going wrong" kinda way and not in a gross, literal, descriptive way. If you know what I mean.

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Anyhoo.

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So, I'm now at the stage where I try to convince myself that should, um, Aunt Petunia arrive, I won't be disappointed, because actually I expected it. Which is what I do every month to try to minimize my shattered'ness.

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Strangely enough, the waiting is worse, for me, than the outcome. Once, um ahem, Aunt Petunia comes knocking, it's almost like a resigned "oh well, I knew it anyway." Not really, but it helps me to convince myself of it. Because it's easier for me to fool myself into believing that I didn't really think I was pregnant anyway, so it's not so bad. Than to think that I might be pregant! and then be disappointed.

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Because I'm a bit of a weird one that way.

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I just hate disappointment. So, if I don't hope, then, well, I shouldn't be disappointed. Right? Um, no. I'm always disappointed. Aaaaallllllllways.

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So, these next few days are going to be ha-ard. Because my cycle is about as regular as... shucks, I can't think of anything that's as irregular as I am. Which just goes to show. So, Aunt Petunia might only arrive this time next week. By which time I will have already peed on about fifty-two sticks and been disappointed with each and every one. Because, even though I'm not hoping, per se, I'll still be checking my sanity levels and guaging them by the outcome of the pee-stick. If you know what I mean.

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Grrr. And they said "trying" would be fun!

I think "they" were lying.

Period. Err, um, that's all I have to say about that.

Wait Schmait

My babe-dar has been pinging around one of my friends for like the past three months. I am convinced she's preggy. She hasn't put on major weight or anything like that. But I pick up preggovibes every time I'm near her. I eventually get to the point where I just can't resist anymore, so I wait until we're alone and then I ask her. And every time she has adamantly denied it, but I see the small smile linger around her mouth, and her eyes twinkle. And when she thinks nobody is looking, I've seen her hand rest on her (still flat-ish) belly. And then I wonder if I'm going totally cuckoo's or if she really IS pregnant and just doesn't want anyone to know yet...

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Maybe I'm just totally lobsided in this department and hypersensitive about it. But I am totally obsessed with the marvel of it too. I think of her ALL. THE. TIME. I just know she's pregnant. And a few months along already.

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And yet she still denies it.

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It's driving me crazy.

As if I wasn't crazy enough to begin with.

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It's probably the Dragon Pills' fault. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

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Speaking of which - are my n*pples supposed to be this sore on The Dragon Pills? Maybe it's a combo of having had some boob renovations, AND taking the pills? If any of you can relate, some advice would be much appreciated. Right now I wouldn't mind surgically removing them and putting them in a basket to carry around with me instead of having to grit my teeth when I'm walking. And, no, I'm almost sure I'm not pregnant, so don't go and leave comments saying that "you know you get sore boobs when you're preggy, don't you?" alright? Because I just know somebody's going to say that, and believe me, this body of mine is not telling me I'm preggy ok? So none of those comments please. I'm just saying.

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At this stage in The Waiting Game, there's no Hoping. Just waiting. And obsessing about this friend of mine who I'm convinced is preggy and not telling anyone.

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And going crazy.

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Who ever thought that two weeks could take this long?

Back and This and That

Hello everyone. I feel like I am emerging from the very depths of the deepest pit today. The last two days have been horrible really. Not life destroying, or sad. I just felt weighed down with heaviness. My body was crampy. And tired. Oh, so very tired. Everything I did required monumental effort and even smiling took some doing. How awful. What a terrible waste of a few days.
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The last two days reminded me why I hated the Dragon Pills so much and why I had decided that I would never use them again... and yet, here I am. I wonder what I was thinking to even contemplate trying again. Especially when I feel so bad on them. Oh well. I'll have to ride this cycle out. I still have two more months of pills... but, man, I don't know if I want to try again after this spell of feeling so crappy...
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But, today I'm feeling better. I don't quite have my groove back, but at least my body isn't so crampy anymore. Ha-le-luuuuuu-jah! Oh, and I especially wanted to say THANK YOU to Rita for her short comment on my One Bad Post. You made me feel like I wasn't going mad at all. You reminded me that this isn't the real me. It's those blinking Dragon Pills. Thank you!!! You will never know how much that meant (means) to me. The other comments too, but that one really made me feel "sjoe! it's going to be ok." I'm so glad I met you! The Been There, Done That Club helps me so much.

And in other news, you will never believe who we saw yesterday. Go ahead, guess! Remember my kitty that ran away last year? We never did find out what had happened to her. And then, last night Robin and I were driving up our hillbilly driveway after our date, when the lights of our 4x4 landed on some eyes reflecting in the bushes. That's not a strange occurrence when you live in the bush, so we didn't get too excited about it. And then the lights fell on the animal again, and she was sitting in the driveway, about 200metres from the house. Robin and I both shouted "Moonie!" at the same time, and she darted into the bush. We didn't see her again, even though we walked up and down the road calling for her for about fifteen minutes. At least I know she's fat and happy. And hasn't been mauled by wild dogs or something. Just why she would choose to live in the bush and have to hunt for food etc. when she gets yummy food and a warm spot on our bed at home is beyond me. So, you see - The Hillbilly Syndrome strikes again. Even the cats aren't immune.
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And on a totally different note - welcome back to the blogosphere Chrissy. I'm so glad you're blogging again.

And now I'm going to make myself an enormous cuppa coffee, because if my body's sending me the right messages, then this cycle definitely hasn't worked, and I can just as well enjoy a good cuppa in commiseration.

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Sorry guys - I had links and photo's in the post, and it was nicely formatted, and then we had a power out and now blogger's giving me error messages... I'll try to fix this post later again.

One Bad Post

I've been avoiding you today. It's because I'm suffering from a bit of feeling-sorry-for-myself-a-litus, and I hate to blog when I'm feeling that way. So, this blog will resume it's normal programming tomorrow.

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Yours in Self-Pity

Ms Des Pondent

TTC update*

*for those of you in non-baby-making-land or easy-peasy-baby-making-land, TTC is an abbreviation for Trying To Conceive

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And so the quest to conceive continues. I am now on Day 16. The Dragon Pills have started working, me thinks. Bloated, cranky, uncomfortable, pms-type cramps... these are all the order of the day right now. Fun fun fun. And we still have a few weeks of this before we'll know if it's worked.

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I must be honest and say that I'm secretly SO HOPING it works, but trying my hardest not to think about it too much, lest I am too disappointed if (when) it doesn't. Which is probably the more likely eventuality. But I'm trying not to think about that either.

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It's hard not to think though.

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I feel a twinge and think "OOOOH, maybe I'm pregnant!". Or I get a nasty taste in my mouth and I wonder "could that be the metallic taste many preggo's experience?". Or I just lie in bed at night with my hand on my lower abdomen, radiating warmth and love at My Eggs That I Actually Despise, willing them to just shape up, pull up their socks and be good for once - just produce one good egg that a very fit little sperm can find. Or three good eggs. I'll take as many as I can get. Even if they come all at once.

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I was all hoppy-skippy-jumpy-happy at the start of this cycle. I just KNEW it would work. And now the dreaded Two Week Wait has settled in. In which all manner of dark thoughts of doom and gloom lurk.

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Grrr.

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Not easy this Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting Game.

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Quite sucky really.

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And to make me even sadder... my sister and her hubby and my Little Ethan Who I Love are moving to New Zealand and plan to be there before the end of this year... and being the poor relatives that we are, who knows when we'll be able to fly out to them for visits? Very sad indeed.

Cycle Day 10

So, yesterday I took my last fertomid for this cycle. That means that now we play the waiting, hoping, praying, begging and pleading two week wait game. And only then we'll know if we need to begin again with the Dragon Pills.

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I'm trying so hard to "just relax" and not think about it too much. Which we all know is about as likely as me falling pregnant without intervention.

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But "just relaxing" has the added bonus of making you worry even more if you're still thinking about it and not "just relaxing". It's a vicious cycle. Literally. Just ask My Hubby Who Tells Me I'm Suffering From Sense of Humour Failure.

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Other than that I am actually quite surprised (and my hubby is VERY RELIEVED!) that this new brand of Dragon Pills hasn't had very many side-effects. Like, say, beating my hubby to a pulp. That's a nasty side-effect and one my hubby is quite happy to have avoided so far. Of course, if you overlook the bloatiness and the snappiness, then, well, side-effects this cycle = nil. Which is either FANTASTIC! or it makes me wonder if I'm not popping placebos? Mmmm... Maybe the doc just wants me back in his office for another prescription? And a peep show while he's at it. Just kidding.

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Only time will tell.

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In the meantime, help me think up some useful activities to fill my two-week-and-a-bit wait if you don't mind? I am now on Cycle Day 10. So, still 18 days to go (if this were a normal abnormal cycle for me, then 18 days is just a big fat guess though) before we will know if this cycle is successful. In which time quite a bit of hanky-panky needs to take place. If you know what I'm saying. And, what with all of the snappiness, that's also about as hard to do as, well, falling pregnant.

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And that's about all I have to say about that.

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That and oh where oh where is a Starbucks when you need one?

Like a duck to water

It hasn't been without some strategic complaining throwing a few tantrums feigning life threatening illness some much needed self-discipline that I've been swimming every day.

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But, as is evident in picture below, once I'm in the water, I'm actually surprisingly happy.

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Note to self - next time I must submerge my arms so that I can claim that it was the water warping the image and making me look fat.

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And now for the grand total of what I swam last week!

Be prepared to be amazed.

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Day 1: 6 lengths

Day 2: 8 lengths

Day 3: 12 lengths

Day 4: 14 lengths

Day 5: 14 lengths

Total: 54 lengths x 25 metres per length = 1350 metres, or 1.35 kilometres (that's about 0.83 miles or 1476.3 yards). Which basically means that I swam friggin far. With thanks in part to my newly acquired floating devices, a.k.a. Pammy and Dolly.

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And then, yesterday I swam, wait for it, twenty lengths, y'all! Ta-wenty. Which means that last night I could enjoy a packet of Lays Sour Cream and Chives guiltfree. Well, almost. Seeing as I shouldn't really be eating rubbish when I'm on the Dragon Pills. Eish. It's hard enough just staying as "normal as possible" during the treatment cycle, without still avoiding all the yummy stuff. But, flingdingit, I may as well just knuckle down and look after myself properly, right? OK, so no more crisps. Sob!

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No wonder these pills make you ratty.

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P.S. Thanks everyone for your kind words to my previous post. That's what makes blogging so awesome. Comments = Opium of The Bloggers and all of that. Especially when they're from well-wishing people who are wearing a Been There Done That T-shirt. It means more than you know to have a few people sitting in the stands cheering us on. I will keep you all updated.

I'm a sucker for punishment

Apparently, the allure of giving fertility treatments one last try proved too tempting for my restraint. I decided to take another trip to my doctor here in Dundee to see if he could give me some Dragon Pills (a.k.a. Clomiphene Citrate) just to give this Wishing For A Baby thing one last chance. I haven't touched a fertility pill for over a year now. But apparently it's not quite out of my system - this silly desire to have a baby of my own. So, I took the plunge. Bought another ticket for that roller-coaster ride that is The Pursuit of Motherhood. I've really been trying to move on. Been doing all sorts of things to try to make life as yummy as possible, if it meant that life would never include a baby of my own. Because, as I've told you all a gazillion times before already - "if this is my lot, then I may as well be happy with it, right?" Wrong. Been there, done that, can't let go of this desire of mine to be a mother. And I really did try to stop thinking about it, dwelling on it, et cetera. And the ticking of my biological clock in my ears just won't shut up either. It keeps saying to me "maybe you should just give it one last bash, before your eggs really are all dried up and biltong-like. And then you will NEVER have the opportunity to just try one last time. Because by then it will just be too late."
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Ugghhh...
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I so did NOT want to be barking up this tree again. But here I am. I remembered a post that Tertia did about giving up. And I've read it so often I can almost quote it word for word. And for a while I thought we'd made the right decision. For my sanity's sake. But I kept stepping on my broken dreams with bare feet and, believe it or not, it still hurts.
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So, two days ago I made another trip into town to go see my doctor. Incidentally, he's the same doctor who removed my stitches after my renovations. So, the first thing he asked me when he saw me was how the "ladies" were doing! haha! I told him really good. As was evident in the slightly clingy shirt I was wearing that day. He asked if he could see, and, never one to shy away from sharing my bounty with anyone, I promptly removed my shirt and lifted my boozie-hanger ever-so-slightly so he could see how well my wounds were healing. All very clinical-like. Promise. No hokey pokey funny business. Very scientific. But even Doctors can blush. Anyhoo... I explained the whole doo-dah-please-give-me-a-chance-at-being-a-mommy-story, and he said, no-problemo, and I said thank-you-very-much-kind-sir and off he went to find me some Dragon Pills. He handed them to me with a flourish and a wink and a three month prescription was mine for the taking, for FREE! Never underestimate the power of My Weapons of Mass Distraction. And that's all I have to say about that.

So, now I have three months worth of Dragon Pills. And another three months of Hoping. Please Hope with me? I am so determined not to be negative about this round of torture treatment, because, after all, I asked for it. And I really want it to work.

I took the very first pill in this month's course just this morning. And boy oh boy, they are already working. I am already bloaty, have ringing ears and a slight propensity for over-exaggeration. Oh wait, that's normal is it? Well, let's just say that I'm also already verging on emotional snappiness. That's just one of the other delightful side-effects of clomiphene citrate. Please exercise extreme caution when approaching this infertile right now. Don't tell me I never warned you.

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So, guys, here we go. Are you ready for the ride?

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To Hope or Not To Hope

It's back. That silly insatiable craving to be on some or other fertility treatment. Or, more, the dream of being preggy. It's weird how in so long I've hardly thought about infertility, really. OK, I still think about it every day. But I haven't obsessed about it. And now, today, here it is. Back again. In full force.

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If only I had a couple hundred thousand bucks so I could climb back on the fertility treatment bandwagon again. Funny how the wheel turns. I hated hated hated Hoping. Now here I am wishing I even had an opportunity to hope. But we can't afford even ONE more treatment. So, even Hoping is out of reach.

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It's a little bit sucky.

Not too bad. Just a little bit.

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Which means that slowly but surely, I must be "getting over" being infertile. I think.

I hope.

Irony

It's been a few days. Robin and I were cavorting in Johannesburg with friends of ours on an extended weekend. I had to be at my plastic surgeon (I love the sound of that - my plastic surgeon - very hoity toity!) yesterday morning for a boob alignment checkup. But we made a weekend of it and did some serious coffee-shop-hopping. And now I'm in withdrawal. There's not even a whiff of coffee to be sniffed anywhere in Dundee and surrounds. I know because Robin and I spent one whole day of our christmas holiday driving around in a relentless pursuit for the good stuff. You know - the kind of coffee shop where you smell the beans already from the parking lot.

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I've even considered importing my own private coffee barrister. From, like, Brazil. Or Italy. Someplace exotic. With good coffee beans. Because this little town we live near to is in serious need of catching a wake-up in the coffee department.

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Anyhoo. That was my caffeine-withdrawal-drivel talking.

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Now for some infertility stuff. Again. I just can't seem to get away from it somehow. So, sorry folks. It's me again. Brain-dumping all of my issues on my blog...

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My friend Riana was telling us about a young girl who had fallen pregnant and was seeking an abortion at the hospital where another friend of ours, Janele, works. (Yes, abortion is legal in South Africa.) Janele was trying to convince the girl not to have an abortion but rather to give the child up for adoption, because there are so many couples yearning for children to love. After a while the young girl (who was already 23 weeks pregnant along and therefore could not have the abortion anyway) acquiesced and went home with her mother, who incidentally also wanted her daughter to get an abortion. I know. Very angersome for me. But anyway, this particular part of the story is not about me. A while later the young girl was back at the hospital. She had deliberately stabbed all manner of objects up her *hoot hoot* and ruptured the amniotic sac and the baby had died because there was no fluid left for it to float in. So then the hospital had to remove the baby from the girl's body.

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This was where I almost blew a fuse. I always try not to spew forth anger when I hear stories like that. For the sake of the people telling me the story. But I was with some really good friends and if they thought I was strong enough to hear the story, then they'd have to be strong enough to cope with my reaction. Which, actually wasn't too effusive after all. I just gritted my teeth together and said, "you know, the terrible thing about this story is that she will probably fall pregnant again within a few months and do the same thing again. She won't be punished with infertility for doing what she did. She has no idea how valuable that child was." Not that I believe that infertility is a punishment. At all. It's just so unfair sometimes.

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Is it a case of "you always want what you can't have"? Could that be it? When you're pregnant you don't want the child. When you can't have a child, that's all that you want. Is that it?

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I don't know.

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But later on that same day, Robin and I were chatting as we drove back from a visit with some friends. I said to him...

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"Isn't it a terrible twist that I especially wanted to marry you because I knew what a wonderful father you would be? And now I can't make you a father."

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and he said...

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"Well, the main reason I broke up with *** (his girlfriend before we got together) was because she didn't want to have children."

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How's that for ironic?