How far we've come!

I sometimes forget just how far we have come, from even just a year and a half ago, to this day. I might get frustrated at Jess and seriously consider growling at her, or I get annoyed when I need to climb out of bed four or five times at night to see to her... and then I was reminded of how badly my heart ached to be able to do these things... to feel a little hand pulling at my jeans, or see those little lips puckered up for a smooch just from me! And I can kick myself for even getting slightly annoyed! Allow me to share an excerpt (or fifty) with you, from my prayer journal.

25 October 2006

Dear Father in Heaven, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit,

I don't know what to say, but please forgive me. I have been (indirectly) SO angry at You again, that You didn't intervene and allow me to have Jodi-Lee. But at the same time I've been asking You to help me to trust You. I've been struggling, Lord. But You haven't left my side. I've been trying to trust You through it all, but on my own steam, when I really needed to be crouching at Your feet in submission and begging Your intervention and grace. My heart has been in rebellion to You. but You are SO gracious and kind - selfless - that You laid down EVERYTHING to redeem me at great cost - Your own blood! - How can I then rebel against You for not intervening in this one aspect for me? O God, thank You for teaching me that "the glory that shines from Jesus' face is the glory of selfless love. [Your] sacrifice on Calvary shows that the law of selfless love is the law of life for earth and heaven. This selfless love comes straight from the heart of God." {from the book called 'Messiah' chapter 1} So, when I am selfish it is because I am not activated by YOUR heart and spirit. If you live in me, selflessness will be my natural tendency. Oh God, please come and live in me again! Please may I be led of Your Spirit and be living in Your presence and freely give my rebellious heart's desires and trust You selflessless with that which I desire more than anything in this world: a baby. Please God, I am so tired of hurting with this. I just want to give it to You once and for all and experience peace in the certainty that You know what You're doing. After all, You are GOD! There is no higher authority! Oh God, pleeeeeeeeez: make me Yours. Please help me to surrender daily and so to love and trust You more every day. Please God, because this is what You desire for me. And because this is exactly what Jesus died to accomplish. A renewed trusting relationship with me. And please, Lord, let it begin NOW.

In Jesus name,

amen.

December 2006

Dear Father in Heaven

What an amazing God You are, and for so long I have lost sight of it. I just want to praise You for helping me through this week. I have FINALLY given up on trying to be pregnant and what a relief it has been for me. You are teaching me what it means to trust You again. Please Lord, don't stop now. You know what You're doing. You know what's best and help me to keep remembering that. Thank You so much!

Amen

26 June 2007

Lord God,

It's astounded me that it has been more than six months since I last wrote in my prayer journal! It is also six months since we stopped trying to get pregnant. Has it also been six months since I last trusted You with my heart's desire??? Has it been six months since I lost myself in You, or has it been even longer?

This has been the hardest time of our lives and I wonder if maybe that's because I didn't really have You in it? You must be so sick and tired of hearing me rededicate my life to You. But I honestly don't know what else to do! I don't know the right way anymore and I can't trust myself to stick by it. Instead, I simply need You in my life, Lord Jesus. I need to know You, so that I will remember how to love You and trust You again. It has been years of this now... I look back in my prayer journal and I am ashamed. I am embarrassed at the monotony of it and that I haven't allowed You the space to work in me. O God, please forgive me! Help me to start anew with You. I really need You leading me. All my efforts have been futile and yet You have remained faithful. You have lifted me up on my weakest days and carried me. And more importantly, You have sustained my life up until now, so that I would have this opportunity to repent. What an awesome God You are!!! You are amazing. Thank You Father in heaven. Thank You for this opportunity to start again. I am so grateful. Please take this gratitude and allow it to grow into Love for You and trust. I want to be saved by You. You have promised that You began a good work in me and that You will be faithful to complete it. Please Lord, would you restart the "factory" again in me, reproducing Your likeness in me. I want my heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh.

For Your glory, Lord!

amen

25 Jan 2008

Lord Jesus,

Perhaps the solution to my see-saw devotions is to stop looking back and to just focus on what You have done for me, today, and to not put pressure on myself for the future? What do You think? Because I seriously don't trust myself to stay devoted to You! On the contrary - YOU never change! Your feelings toward me haven't changed. You died for me already 2000 years before I was even born! How incredible of You! You know the awful path I am bent on and You know where it's leading me. I am so inconsistent! It's always either fervor or failure with me, isn't it? Where is the happy medium? Although, now, when I think of it, that would be lukewarm, wouldn't it? And You've already told us that conclusion. So Lord, all I can do is fall on You, the Rock, and be broken. I am already broken, Lord. This body of mine don't work too good! :o) It's only You who can piece me back together again.

So, help!

Please Lord!

amen

17 March 2008

Father in Heaven

Sometimes I wonder what Your plan is for me. I am trying to trust You. My head tells me that You are God and that You know what You are doing. So I should trust You. But my heart is still breaking! Every baby I see is a fresh reminder. I feel a bit shattered, Jesus. I am REALLY struggling with this again. Where is the baby for us??? What is Your plan??? Whta must we do? It feels as if everything we do gets a green light, but then it just falls through as we move forward. What must we do? Is it just to trust You? I must admit, that is one of the hardest things! Please God, help me to trust You then. If that is all You require, I am going to need Your help with that. Because I am failing dismally. Lord Jesus, please intercede for us and for me in God's throne room! Holy Spirit - I so need You! Without You, this is all hopeless!

Otherwise there's nothing left in this life for me!

amen

27 March 2008

Dear Father in Heaven

The way You are opening doors for us to become adoptive parents just astounds and excites me!!! Oh God, how awesome You are!!! You ask - will I still be faithful to You if You didn't do this for me... I want to answer 'yes' because that's what I have tried to do in these last six or seven years, when we made no progress in the babymaking department. You know how my very heart cried out to You in anguish. You saw me. You still do. And, o God, will this time be You answering 'Yes' ? I pray it is. Oh God, grant Robin and I a family to love. Please Jesus! You created us and told us to have children. Why would You then withold the very thing You have commanded? Especially when miracles are Your specialty? Lord God in heaven, please will You open the doors for us? I already have my heart set on this little baby! But Father, You know the future. Please Lord, if THIS is the baby for US, please let the birthmom sign the consent forms. We have hurt so much in this journey! Lord Jesus, You heart Rachel's prayer and opened her womb. You heard Hannah's prayer too. You heard Abraham and Sarah. Hear me now, Lord. Please. This is my prayer. I know You CAN! But will You? Please Lord, do! And God, I really want to mean this: Your will, not mine.

Help me to mean it?

Amen

28 March 2008

Dear Lord God

I am so excited about the possibilities for us and for the meeting on Tuesday. O Lord I am like a stuck record! But Lord, can I hide anything from You? No. You see my need. You know that we would teach our child(ren) about You. And so, God, please grant us children to love. Fill our home with them so that we can lead them to YOu and so that we will also finally understand the kind of Fatherly love You have for us. How else could we realize the magnificent power of unconditional love?

Amen

9 April 2008

Lord God

Thank You so much for leading and guiding. I want to praise Your holy name. You are eternal, everlasting, all-knowing, all-powerful. You are love. You invented happiness and peace. Without You, that is impossible.
I have read of Your character this morning in Psalm 102. It tells of Your Godness. And then it says in verse 17: "I know that You will respond to the pleas of Your people and that You will not let their prayers go unanswered." Father in Heaven, I know You have heard the pleas of Your people crying out on our behalf. You hear them. You see the birthmom and her unborn child. You know that baby's character. You knit her together in her birthmom's womb. You are the Creator and Giver of Life. Is this the baby for us? Would Y ou give us this little life to love and nurture?

I promise (not as a bargaining tactic) that if You do, o Lord, "What You do will be written down (by me on my blog) for coming generations, and people...will read it and praise You for it." Psalms 102 v 18 with my words in brackets.

For Your glory, Lord Jesus, Father and Holy
Spirit!

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10 April 2008

Father in Heaven

I am growing to love our time together every morning. Thank You for giving me another day, Lord Jesus. You give me the ability to get out of bed every morning and You fill me with peace. It is Your peace, Lord, which has made me calm as we wait on the birthmom's decision. Please Lord, will You lead us? And especially the birthmom's family. Warm their hearts toward us if this is Your will, so that this decision will be an easy one for them. Thank You Lord for everyone who is praying with us, and thank You Lord, that it is a little girl!!!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

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17 April 2008

Lord Jesus,

You have opened SO many doors for us to get to this point... You pulled strings to get the other couple out of the picture, who the birthmom had originally chosen as the family for her unborn child. You arranged for our profile to get into her hands. You arranged it months ago that the birthmom's crisis counselor became our friend and then You orchestrated that she also became the birthmom's crisis counselor! You made the birthgranny frustrated enough that she wanted to set up a meeting with us, even though in the social worker's eyes that's not done. And then You made it possible for us to meet with the birthmom and the birthdad too! How many doors You have already opened for us!!! It is so exciting!!! You are answering our prayers. Oh Lord, but now, oh how HARD it is becoming to just sit back and wait while they make a decision! The longer they take, the more I am inclined to think that they aren't choosing us as the family for their baby. Oh God, I am trusting You in all of this, but I am going to be honest when I tell You that this waiting is working on me now. It is grinding on my emotions and I am feeling heartbroken, even though we haven't had an answer yet and they might even still say yes. But at this stage we don't know. And that's the hard part. Waiting. And not knowing. And Lord, You know. You are in control. You know already what they are going to decide. O God, please do this for Robin and I so that I can tell everyone what You have done for us! O Lord, please stretch out Your mighty arm and open their hearts and minds to us, and SOON! Please Lord, TODAY! O Lord, please take this burden of waiting from us. Thank You Lord that You will make Your decision on how to answer this prayer with YOUR will in mind, because You know what's best and because You are teaching me how to trust You again. So God in Heaven, be merciful to me and Robin, please. Look on us with pity, Lord, so that we can be parents, so that we can give this baby a name that will honor You and so that we can teach her to love You and she can be saved by Your grace. O God, please open the doors! Please Lord, look upon us with mercy and favour. May our lives be a testimony to Your grace and power and love.

Please Lord, also be with the birthmom especially today.

Bless her and watch over the little baby.

Please, pick us!!!

Please Jesus.

Please.

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18 April 2008

O Lord!!! Thank You!!! My heart soars in praise to You! You have given us this baby!!! I am so excited and amazed and blessed! So much more than I deserve. This is all only blessing! And so, Father we are going to name her somthing that praises You for the rest of her life:

Jesse-Lee

Jesse meaning "Gift from God" and Lee being Robin's family name, passed down from every firstborn to every firstborn. So, every time we say her name we will be praising You for the gift of her. Praising You! For ever!

Oh, thank You Lord!

Thank You!

Thank You!

And that is how we came to have little Jesse-Lee in our life. The biggest blessing ever! I stand in awe of God when I read back in my prayer journal. What a long journey we walked with God until He blessed us with little Jesse-Lee. How humbling it is to consider that God - the CREATOR of the entire universe - chose us to be the family for little Jesse-Lee. He knit her together in her mother's womb with US in mind. How very humbling and awe-inspiring. I pray daily that God will make Robin and I the kind of parents who will honour His decision to have us parent her. Our gift from God.

Where was I?

If you're wondering where I've been, then here's a quick update for you. I've been home. Nothing interesting. I'm just STILLLLL WAAAIIIITTTTTIIIIINNNNGGGG for my internet installation.

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Welcome to Africa. Where everything takes about fifty times longer to get done than elsewhere on the planet.

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Apparently the installation will be complete this Sunday.

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What. Eva.

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I'll believe it when I see it. Until then, stay super nifty. I'll chat soon. Hopefully. Toodles!

Still alive. And looking for something to kick!

So, I'm hijacking my friend's computer for a quick hello (yet again). This quick hello business is starting to grate my carrot. I have soooo much to tell you guys and so many adorable pics of Jess to load... (yes, that's my o.c.d. side showing) but I'm stiiiilllll waiting for my internet to be installed at home. This past Sunday would have been The Day, and then we had such stormy weather that the guy wasn't too keen on climbing onto our roof.

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Poofta.

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Just kidding.

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He happens to be a friend of ours (hello André), so I better keep it clean. Just in case he reads this.

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Anyhoo...

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I promise I'll be blogging again as soon as my internet is up and running. So if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm playing The Waiting Game again. Story of my life.

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Toodles!

No internet, no happy

Yeah, I'm still waiting for the internet to be installed at home. Thus the ever-decreasing blog posts of late. Sorry. This blog is becoming b-o-r-r-r-i-n-g... Either NO posts or hasty ones while gatecrashing a friend's computer. Let's hope I can get online from home again soon...

It's my dad's 60th Birthday Bash this weekend, so we are traipsing down to East London for the weekend. Actually to a resort just outside of East London, called Cefani. It's going to be SUPER GROOVY! and I mean GROOVY as in hip-hugging, bell-bottoming, dance-till-you-drop partying in a nifty sixties' theme! ALLLL the family and old family friends will be at the resort for the whole weekend - bound to be lots of funny stories afterwards. And of course, it's the first time they will all be meeting our noonoo-pie... so, I'm priming Jess now already for lots of cheek-pinching, smooching and "Ahhhh, moeder!"'s. Tomorrow morning early we hit the road from Durbs (we're already in Durbs) and do the mind-bending long drive all the way back home to the Hillybilly Dump again on Monday. Over a thousand kilometres in ONE DAY! Eish! And then I'll be posting pics of the 60's Bash on Tuesday. Woohooo!

So, have a fab weekend guys. Chat again next week!

60 days

Today is officially 60 days. The point of no return for the birthparents! Woot woot! For someone who wasn't thinking thinking thinking about the countdown too much (read "forcing myself not to think about it"), I am super excited today that there is no longer a bit of a wet blanket dampening our excitement. Needless to say, Hubsy and I will be taking Jess out today for a bit of a "painting the town red" story to celebrate. And by "town" we mean Wimpy (sort of like a South African version of McDonalds). Because Dunhillbillydee has such a wide variety of dining places to choose from. HHhmmmm...

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And now, our little wriggly monster can officially become Jesse-Lee Hillbilly. I am so super duper excited! Yay!!!

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Today, Robin and I officially became parents. And having it be to the best babe on the planet is just totally mindblowing. When God answers prayers, He answers them well, doesn't He?

Hypo-spotty

Ugghhh... It would seem that I'm just as big a hypochondriac as my dad and Robin. And that means that I will no longer be able to laugh mercilessly at their "old sports injuries" and "broken toes". Dang! I did so enjoy making fun of them. But now, alas, that will have to be a thing of the past.

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See, the other night, while I was painting butterflies and bumble bees, I suddenly got the itches. All over my body. The back of my legs, my arms, my stomach, even the tops of my feet were itching. When I investigated what was itching, I found little white blisters adorning my previously-creamy-white-skin. My immediate reaction was "Oh no! It's CHICKEN POX!" then a smile began brewing at the corners of my mouth as I imagined TWO WHOLE WEEKS of peace and quiet at home, preparing for our babies, getting the final thingies finished... So, with a spring in my step and an appropriately demure expression of imagined illness on my face, I waltzed into the doctor's rooms this morning loudly proclaiming the fact that I was, in fact, UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! and oh so very contagious. In fact, I had to restrain myself from tying a handkerchief over my mouth and nose, so as to avoid spreading the voracious chicken pox germs to everyone I breathed upon. Imagine my disgust when my doctor took one look at my spots (which were REALLY THERE, by the way!) and said, "Oy, what are you stressing about, sweet lass?" and I replied disdainfully that I was "stressed about, like, um, having chickenpox!" As if it wasn't very obvious! Well, you could have blown me over with the fart of a feather when he said, "No, I'm sorry to burst your (chickenpox) bubble, but those aren't chickenpox spots... those are STRESS spots! You need to just relax!"

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Where have I heard that before???

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Dang. So, I've been prescribed a bunch of friggin expensive meds, sent back to work (no restful 2 week stint for me! sob!) and been duly instructed to just relax. As if that ever worked for me before.

Yawn...

I am just plain exhausted today. No energy whatsoever. And to add petrol onto the fire, I have a migraine hovering somewhere, just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on me. Me thinks I should just go home and have a fat nap. But, today is Thursday, which means that my maid is cleaning my house today (she comes twice a week) and I hate to be lazy when she's so busy around me. So, that's out. Maybe I'll kip for a minute or two during lunchtime.

Yawn...

I'm going to go ahead and blame the way I'm feeling on all the waiting stress. Waiting waiting waiting. It can wear you out, I tell ya.

Woot woot! Look it's lunch time! I'm going home for a kip. Adios amigos!

Our Poor Lass, Cassidy

My poor little kitty, Cassidy, was attacked by dogs on Monday. I didn't mention it yesterday, because I was waiting to hear from the vet how she was... When Robin and I arrived home from a day or two in Durbs the animals were all acting a little weird. Well, a little weirder than usual. Being hillbilly pets and all. They didn't come running up to us and jump all over our luggage, nor even wag their tails or send a few purrs and legrubs our way. Robin and I were both like "what's up with the fandamily that they aren't happy to see us?" and then I found little Cassidy curled up on the bed in our 2nd bedroom, all ripped up and bloody. Poor little kitty. Fortunately none of her internal organs were hurt, but I feel soooo sorry for her. She spent Monday night in hospital, and had bunches of stitches. She's very battered and bruised and moving around takes great effort and lots of limping - but I am SO GRATEFUL that it happened shortly before we got home, and not the previous day when we were still in Durbs. Poor little girly. She's still a bit forlorn, but she will survive. Which is more than can be said for my walrus nerves!

I would post a pic of her in all of her shaved and stitched glory, but this blinking blogger is still just giving me error messages. One good thing though, is it's forcing me to learn some html in trying to figure out where the error lies. Apparently old dogs can learn new tricks. Erm. Ahem.

And we're still waiting and waiting to hear anything about the adoption... What was it I was saying about my walrus nerves?

Rainy Daze

It's been raining for four days. A steady, clean-washing, soaking-in kind of rain. The kind that makes you wish for a cuddly blanket, a cat on your lap, socks on your feet and a good book to read. And a stack of pancakes. The kind that makes you nostalgic for places you've never been. Romantic, misty places where magical things happen.
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It's also the kind that turns your driveway into mush.

And makes you get stuck in the mud on your way to work.

The kind that requires someone to come and tow you out.

And have a good laugh at your expense.

And make you late for work.

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And make you wish that you could rather be at home, on your denim couch, with a blankie, a few cats, socks on your feet, a good book and a stack of pancakes.

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And that's about all I have to say about that.

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That and, oh where oh where is a sick note when you need one?

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PS. Your comments to my post on Friday made me cry my eyes out. Of course, at that stage it didn't take much to make me cry, already. With me being such a sop and all. But really, you guys are so thoughtful and kind. Words fail me. Thanks so much!

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Incidentally, when I was worshiping this morning, I asked God what it was that He wanted me to do. Was there something He wanted me to do. Or should I just wait on Him. The answer came through immediately and clearly: Just TRUST Me.

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So that's what I'm going to try my very best to do. Wait on Him. Trust Him. Stop doubting His plan for me. And along the way, stop being miserable. If possible. And with God, ALL things are possible, right?

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Many of your comments said exactly that, when I read between the lines. I think God's trying to tell me something. And I'm going to be listening.

CD 26

It is Cycle Day 26. Which is right about when my hormones usually start going totally wacko and everything falls apart. Ummm, maybe that sounded a bit too descriptive. Hmmm. Well, I meant it in a "things start going wrong" kinda way and not in a gross, literal, descriptive way. If you know what I mean.

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Anyhoo.

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So, I'm now at the stage where I try to convince myself that should, um, Aunt Petunia arrive, I won't be disappointed, because actually I expected it. Which is what I do every month to try to minimize my shattered'ness.

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Strangely enough, the waiting is worse, for me, than the outcome. Once, um ahem, Aunt Petunia comes knocking, it's almost like a resigned "oh well, I knew it anyway." Not really, but it helps me to convince myself of it. Because it's easier for me to fool myself into believing that I didn't really think I was pregnant anyway, so it's not so bad. Than to think that I might be pregant! and then be disappointed.

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Because I'm a bit of a weird one that way.

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I just hate disappointment. So, if I don't hope, then, well, I shouldn't be disappointed. Right? Um, no. I'm always disappointed. Aaaaallllllllways.

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So, these next few days are going to be ha-ard. Because my cycle is about as regular as... shucks, I can't think of anything that's as irregular as I am. Which just goes to show. So, Aunt Petunia might only arrive this time next week. By which time I will have already peed on about fifty-two sticks and been disappointed with each and every one. Because, even though I'm not hoping, per se, I'll still be checking my sanity levels and guaging them by the outcome of the pee-stick. If you know what I mean.

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Grrr. And they said "trying" would be fun!

I think "they" were lying.

Period. Err, um, that's all I have to say about that.

Teeveeholic

If you're not a tv watcher, this post might not interest you... In which case you won't know that there's been a Writer's Strike. And hence some of my fave shows are delayed. So I'm waiting.

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So one of my all-time fave shows "Men In Trees" is on hiatus because of The Writer's Strike. I honestly never paid much attention to The Writers Strike, because, well, our tv still continued without interruption and I thought that by the time the strike ended, we'd have only been a month or two behind the USA shows. And now, as with all things African, we are waiting. And heaven knows when Men In Trees will be putting a smile on my dial again. Boo hoo... and it ended at such a crucial moment too - with Jack holding some flossie in his arms, on a lifeboat adrift at sea. Talk about a cliffhanger.

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Almost as bad as when Veronica Mars' first season ended and you didn't know if she chose the badboy or the high school sweetheart. (Now I'm really revealing my penchant for all things frivolous and shallow, aren't I?)

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But definitely my very most worstest totally blow-me-awayest ending to a season was the season finalé where NCIS Special Agent Todd (Sasha Alexander) got shot in the head. Robin and I both sat forward in our seats, waiting for a Dallas-type senario where It Was All Only A Very Bad Dream. But, alas, it wasn't. And now the series continues, minus Agent Todd. And me as a viewer. I was so angry they killed her off that I totally "boycotted" their show. And hence my hubby did too. Because I barter the remote for favours.

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Oh, and now that I'm on a roll, remember Denny from Grey's? Why, oh why do they always let the good ones die?

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At the moment I'm waiting for these shows to return:-

• Smallville. Because, really, when last did you see such a hunk* ANYWHERE on planet earth?
• Men In Trees. Jack! Jack! Oh wherefore art thou, Jack?
• Survivor
• The Amazing Race
• American Idol or Idols the UK version

Let's hope none of those shows were affected by the Writers' Strike. Otherwise this lil couch potato's gonna start sprouting some spuds in the next few months waiting for her fave shows to return. Which is also just as well, because chances are I probably won't be sprouting anything of a Mini-Me nature.

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The wait continues.

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*Now there's a word you probably haven't heard since Noah was roaming the planet. I really need to brush up on my youngster vocab, lest I give away my geriatricness.

Wait Schmait

My babe-dar has been pinging around one of my friends for like the past three months. I am convinced she's preggy. She hasn't put on major weight or anything like that. But I pick up preggovibes every time I'm near her. I eventually get to the point where I just can't resist anymore, so I wait until we're alone and then I ask her. And every time she has adamantly denied it, but I see the small smile linger around her mouth, and her eyes twinkle. And when she thinks nobody is looking, I've seen her hand rest on her (still flat-ish) belly. And then I wonder if I'm going totally cuckoo's or if she really IS pregnant and just doesn't want anyone to know yet...

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Maybe I'm just totally lobsided in this department and hypersensitive about it. But I am totally obsessed with the marvel of it too. I think of her ALL. THE. TIME. I just know she's pregnant. And a few months along already.

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And yet she still denies it.

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It's driving me crazy.

As if I wasn't crazy enough to begin with.

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It's probably the Dragon Pills' fault. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

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Speaking of which - are my n*pples supposed to be this sore on The Dragon Pills? Maybe it's a combo of having had some boob renovations, AND taking the pills? If any of you can relate, some advice would be much appreciated. Right now I wouldn't mind surgically removing them and putting them in a basket to carry around with me instead of having to grit my teeth when I'm walking. And, no, I'm almost sure I'm not pregnant, so don't go and leave comments saying that "you know you get sore boobs when you're preggy, don't you?" alright? Because I just know somebody's going to say that, and believe me, this body of mine is not telling me I'm preggy ok? So none of those comments please. I'm just saying.

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At this stage in The Waiting Game, there's no Hoping. Just waiting. And obsessing about this friend of mine who I'm convinced is preggy and not telling anyone.

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And going crazy.

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Who ever thought that two weeks could take this long?

Keeping busy

So it's been a few days of creative endeavour and I've been LOVING it. Here is the birthday invitation card I designed for my godson, Caleb:-

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Front cover:

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Inside left:

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Inside right (with blurred details for privacy):

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Back of card:

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Anything to keep my mind off of the two week wait!!!

TTC update*

*for those of you in non-baby-making-land or easy-peasy-baby-making-land, TTC is an abbreviation for Trying To Conceive

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And so the quest to conceive continues. I am now on Day 16. The Dragon Pills have started working, me thinks. Bloated, cranky, uncomfortable, pms-type cramps... these are all the order of the day right now. Fun fun fun. And we still have a few weeks of this before we'll know if it's worked.

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I must be honest and say that I'm secretly SO HOPING it works, but trying my hardest not to think about it too much, lest I am too disappointed if (when) it doesn't. Which is probably the more likely eventuality. But I'm trying not to think about that either.

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It's hard not to think though.

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I feel a twinge and think "OOOOH, maybe I'm pregnant!". Or I get a nasty taste in my mouth and I wonder "could that be the metallic taste many preggo's experience?". Or I just lie in bed at night with my hand on my lower abdomen, radiating warmth and love at My Eggs That I Actually Despise, willing them to just shape up, pull up their socks and be good for once - just produce one good egg that a very fit little sperm can find. Or three good eggs. I'll take as many as I can get. Even if they come all at once.

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I was all hoppy-skippy-jumpy-happy at the start of this cycle. I just KNEW it would work. And now the dreaded Two Week Wait has settled in. In which all manner of dark thoughts of doom and gloom lurk.

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Grrr.

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Not easy this Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting Game.

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Quite sucky really.

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And to make me even sadder... my sister and her hubby and my Little Ethan Who I Love are moving to New Zealand and plan to be there before the end of this year... and being the poor relatives that we are, who knows when we'll be able to fly out to them for visits? Very sad indeed.

The Waiting Game. Again.

It's The Waiting Game again. I phoned bunches of breeders for a kitty. Perhaps it's because we're a little fussy perculiar particular. Because we don't want any old cat. Nope. We want a Maine Coon. The biggest domestic cat on the globe, baby. With the nicest character. Who can blame us when they're just SO HANDSOME? Oh, you don't know what a Maine Coon looks like? OK, then. Here's a kitty. (Not ours... just a pic off the net.)

But you can't really see how big they become in that one... so here's a pic of a slightly older maine coon (about 6 months old):-

And, alas, that still doesn't do it justice cos it's not fully grown yet in that pic. So here's another pic:-

Still don't have a concept of it's size? Fine, here's another one:-

Awesome huh? What? You want to see some more? Oh alright. Seeing as you're twisting my arm so.

Now, tell me those aren't the most beautiful cats you've ever seen? Apparently you don't simply "order" one of these. You phone the breeders, they "screen" you! ahem ahem... and then if you're realllly lucky they'll add you to their waiting list. Well, I sweet-talked that lady's ears almost off of her head and she promptly (after about half an hour of chit-chat, long-distance too nogal!) added me to her waiting list. I'd love to tell you she was immediately enthralled with my charming personality but it was really only after I played my trump card that she added us to the list. (I told her we are a childless couple with a very empty home!) Wooo hooo! Seems this infertility is good for something! haha! We are currently fifth in the queue (jumped the long list and made the shortlist, dahhhling!) for a Maine Coon kitten, which we may only adopt at age 12 weeks (i.e. December some time). Seems we're destined to be waiting. Oh well. At least there's something good coming to us at the end of this wait! One Fat Cat, baby!

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Oh, almost forgot to mention... These cats are friggin expensive! They start at about one thousand eight hundred ront and go all the way up to about two thousand five hundred ronts (depending on the breeder. Some breeders are greedier than others). Our kitty will cost two thousand smackaroos. Way to break my piggy bank! (That's about U.S. $260. I know! Madness!)

Queue the Applause!

Am horrified that I'm only posting after three in the afternoon! Horrified! But lucky for me, I have a legitimate excuse. Really. I just spent the last four hours, that's f-o-u-r hours people!, sitting in a queue at the Motor Vehicle Licensing Department. Which is about three and a half hours longer than I anticipated. Fortunately, I always go to these government places prepared. Just call me Eveready. Now, I'm not bragging, ya'll, but just look at my stash of emergency supplies (see left). And that is my leftovers. Yummy. And in case you thought that "flask" was H2O, ahem ahem, let me correct you. That was 500ml of pure bliss in a bottle. One. Frothy. Sweet. Homemade. Café. Laté. Baby. Which probably accounts for my distinct amusement at the fray which erupted just metres from my spot in the queue. You'd think it was World War Three that broke out there. One person (I say person, but I really mean ignoramous) who probably missed his coffee break this morning began hurling some choice verbal abuse at the person behind the counter (thank goodness for the glass-barricaded counter!) when he discovered that he had to pay an additional thirty bucks for paying with a cheque. Thirty bucks. That's less than you'd pay for a cuppa and a muffin at any coffee shop these days. And he broke into a hissy fit. And this from a guy wearing nikes. His shoelaces probably cost more. It was such a good distraction and so entertaining, I half imagined I heard the Boston Legal soundtrack playing in the background. I wasn't the only one entertained either. You should have seen the other people in the queue. We lowered our novels, folded our newspapers, uncrossed our legs, leaned forward in our seats and watched the drama unfold. Really, a standing ovation woudn't have been remiss at the end of Act 1. The grand finalé was when the supervisor herself threw her toys out of her cott, told the man in no uncertain terms that if he did not calm himself down immediately they would ignore him. Needless to say, it was HILARIOUS when he continued ranting and raving, and the two ladies behind the counter simply looked at their computer screens and pretended they were watching Oprah's Favourite Things Show. Brilliant! Hooray for the Passive Aggresives. I was mildly disappointed, though, that Security didn't come investigating. Now that would have been riveting! Eventually, the man stalked off grumbling loudly and slammed the door behind him. Which is when all hundred odd bench-warmers erupted into guffaws. Excellent.

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Without a doubt, the most fun I've ever had sitting in a queue.

So many questions, so little time

I realize that I never answered any of your questions yesterday. It's a very long story, so I'll try to fill you in, without doing the whole shebang.

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The biggie, of course, when do we get our babe?

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Nobody can answer that. It all depends on the government, or more appropriately, who happens to be behind the official counter when you go to get forms / fill in forms / hand in forms, and whether or not they've had their coffee yet that morning. Basically that's what it comes down to. Tantrums won't help anything. So, yet again, it's a Waiting Game.

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Another factor is that apparently South Africa does not have a working relationship with Eastern Europe for adoptions into the country. What that means, is that Robin and I will have a social worker here, who works for an approved agency. We do everything with them, then they correspond with an American agency, and then the American agency corresponds with the Kaszaki agency, and we pay every agency their fees in their currency. It's a very long process.

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But even before that happens, it's The Screening Process. Which is basically where the social worker (in our case, Sheri) and her team decide whether or not we will make good adoptive parents, and whether or not we would be able to care for the child in all aspects - emotionally, intellectually, financially, etc.

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From start to finish, it could take anything between one year to two years before we become parents.

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What else?

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What I can tell you, is that I feel we are in very competent hands, with our social worker. She is friendly, kind, compassionate, knows the right people, comes highly recommended, etc. What I like most is that she's straight as an arrow. She tells it like it is. So, you don't get half-baked stories with her, leaving you wondering what the answer to your question really is.

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But, I really need to distance myself from it a bit. I feel suffocated by all the "if's and but's". And if you know me, I can't tolerate moping. Which is what I've been doing since the meeting. Without admitting it, I was sort-of expecting adoption to be a Quick Fix. And it's definitely not.

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And besides - why mope when I have so much to be grateful for? I have to consciously remind myself that I am too blessed to be stressed. Which should make me feel a bit better. But where the rubber meets the road - I'm still feeling really woe is me. I want to shake myself and say "lift your lip up off the floor, before you trip over it!" It just seems my inner reserves are spent.

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BUT on the other hand - I really believe that even this harrowing time will leave me more reliant on God. And if that's the only thing that comes from this, then that is sufficient for me. If after all this, we are still childless, I am determined that we will not be faithless.

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It's incredible to me how God sends me the right passages to read, just when I need it most. It reminds me that He really does know every thought that I think, even before I think it. I am greatly encouraged by this passage from Next Door Saviour by Max Lucado:-

Learning to Trust the Master

A man and his dog are in the same car. The dog howls bright-moon-in-the-middle-of-the-night caterwauling howls. The man pleads, promising a daily delivery of dog biscuit bouquets if only the hound will hush. After all, it’s only a car wash. Never occurred to him—ahem, to me—that the car wash would scare my dog. But it did. Placing myself in her paws, I can see why. A huge, noisy machine presses toward us, pounding our window with water, banging against the door with brushes. Duck! We’re under attack.

“Don’t panic. The car wash was my idea.” “I’ve done this before.” “It’s for our own good.” Ever tried to explain a car wash to a canine? Dog dictionaries are minus the words brush and detail job. My words fell on fallen flaps. Nothing helped. She just did what dogs do; she wailed.

Actually, she did what we do. Don’t we howl? Not at car washes perhaps but at hospital stays and job transfers. Let the economy go south or the kids move north, and we have a wail of a time. And when our Master explains what’s happening, we react as if he’s speaking Yalunka. We don’t understand a word he says.

Is your world wet and wild? God’s greatest blessings often come costumed as disasters. Some of you doubt it. How can God use cancer or death or divorce? Simple. He’s smarter than we are. He is to you what I was to four-year-old Amy. I met her at a bookstore. She asked me if I would sign her children’s book. When I asked her name, she watched as I began to write, “To Amy…” She stopped me right there. With wide eyes and open mouth, she asked, “How did you know how to spell my name?”

She was awed. You aren’t. You know the difference between the knowledge of a child and an adult. Can you imagine the difference between the wisdom of a human and the wisdom of God? What is impossible to us is like spelling “Amy” to him. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa. 55:9).

I keep taking Molly to the car wash. She’s howling less. I don’t think she understands the machinery. She’s just learning to trust her master.

Maybe we’ll learn the same.

May's Maybe's

A bunch of you have been asking about the Angus anointing. As with All Things Preggy Related, it's a waiting game. As I understand it, Mr Buchan doesn't usually take personal appointments with people. If someone wants to be anointed, then you must go to wherever he'll be preaching next. Apparently his next local (KZN) preaching appointment is on the 20th of May in Bergville, which is about 2 hours drive from us. So, we'll probably be going to spend the day in Bergville in two week's time.

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I'm going to see if I can twist my mom's arm to take her along, because do you remember about two months ago we had to rush her off to the emergency room in the middle of the night? Well, after a thorough investigation by a cardiologist, they have decided to send her in to a special hospital here in Durban (see how God looks after His children? The right hospital is right here in our city!) where they will be doing some or other procedure to lazer a portion of nerves on her heart that are malfunctioning, and the procedure will take place on the 23rd May. She told me the name of the procedure, but my memory's shot (see? Menopause???) and I just can't remember what it's called. Hhmmmph. So, I figure Angus could pray for her too, while we're there. More people praying could never hurt. I'm quietly so anxious about this procedure. I guess it has something to do with the fact that there's nothing we can do about it. She's going to have this op. It's going to happen. And we don't even get a say in what the doctor will be eating for breakfast that day! Leave alone whether or not he washes his hands properly before he enters the surgery. It's a bit scary that we're entrusting the life of my mom into the hands of a surgeon we have never even seen!

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So, May's turning out to be quite a big month for us!

11-13 May: taking the church kids camping for a weekend of fun

16th May: our first appointment for adoption from Russia (meeting in Joburg)

20th May: Bergville for Angus thingy

22nd May: Robin's 32nd birthday

23rd May: my mom's op

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As with all things, I am reminding myself that whatever happens, God has only our best in mind, and has a specific plan for each of us to find happiness in Him (Jeremiah 29 v 11-13). I rest assured that no matter what, we'll be ok. God and I, I mean. I took a decision recently that I would serve Him. And I mean it. As long as we're on lil Planet Earth, we can expect Satan to fiddle with our happiness. But in the end, God is so much bigger than any problem we might face. And I know He carries me in the palm of His hand. My mom too. And so I will fear no evil. (Psalms 23 v 4) Nor worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6 v 25-31)

"Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands..."
Isaiah 49 v 15, 16

We get to Don't worry! Be happy!

Nobody told me that "not trying" would be so much fun! Dunno why, but nobody thought it would be worth mentioning to me. Cummon guys - we're relying on you to be honest with us! Consider yourselves berated.
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Back to my point. Things I love about not trying anymore:-

1. We have MONEY again! Lots of it. Well, not really lots of it... but fertility treatments are BLOODY expensive and compared to those years of doctors doctors doctors bills bills bills, we are now rolling in it guys. We actually find fifty bucks in our wallets that we didn't even know was still there! And all of you know that when pennies are scarce, you always know exactly how much money is in your wallet. Zip. Having Cash = Very Nifty.
2. I get to drink my beloved's* whenever I feel like it, without worrying about how many eggs I'm pickling. Actually now that I think about it... that was the thing I missed the most while "trying".
3. We can plan trips away without worrying about if it's going to coincide with / clash with when I should be on a doctor's table somewhere being tortured... uh... er... enjoying more fertility treatments. This is one of the niftiest things I think. Oh yes, almost forgot to tell you! Guess what? We're going overseas in June!!! Yes, me happy. We are going to visit two of our very best friends, Dewald and Chantell, in North Carolina in the US of A for a few weeks. They are having a little baby boy within the next week or so, and we are going to meet little Eli. Can't wait. So, you see? We can just hop on a plane now all willy nilly without worrying.
4. I don't have to pop myriads of pills every day anymore.
5. I don't have to watch the calendar or count days or chart my basal body temperature anymore. That really sucked. The thing with PCOS (one of my afflictions) is that you never know when / if you happen to be ovulating. YAY! I don't have to do that anymore.
6. There is no more waiting. Waiting for ovulation. Waiting for / imagining pregnancy symptoms. Waiting for a positive pregnancy test. Waiting for the scan. Then Waiting for the miscarriage to happen. Waiting for my irregular cycle to return to normal so we could try again... Waiting Waiting Waiting. Waiting sucks. No more waiting for me, thank you very much. I'm back to instant gratification. It works for me!

The list goes on and on, but those are the top of my pops. FINALLY! We get to Don't Worry! Be Happy!

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*Beloveds = Cappuccinos

The Waiting Game

It took me by surprise how badly I want this baby. I thought I had laid to rest my daily-diminishing dreams of having a home full of beautiful bubbly babies. Clearly I haven't. I. Really. Really! Want. This. Baby. It is taking every ounce of self-control to maintain a sense of decorum right now. I hate feeling this powerless to change my circumstances. Mainly because I can't change things, I will have to accept my impotence (haha! - funny! And it wasn't intentional either!) ... and just... wait...