She's growing up.

Four, going on Fourteen, years old.
I need a pause button.

Geriatric and friends *updated*

I got my first taste of what it feels like to be called "tannie" this week. For those of you who are non-South African, "tannie" (pronounced "tie" and "knee") means "aunty" and is usually a respectful term coined by Afrikaans-speaking young people for those who they see as muuuuuch older than them. Tis hence the season to be very depressed. Shocking! When did old age creep up on me??? OK, so I'd noticed the odd grey hair here and there. And a few smile lines. But shucks, these kids who are here now are like 13 years and older, and even some of the early twenty-year-olds are calling me "tannie"! My shattered nerves! Roll on the wheelchair. Oh and the false teeth. They'll match my false brown hair colour. Yikes!

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Incidentally... to add insult to ego-injury, my friend (some ten to twelve years or so younger than me) and I were walking together towards the dining hall one day of the kids camp, and a twenty-something-year-old walked up to us and said, "like, hey... are you two, like, um, mother and daughter or something?" Clearly, it's time to get my roots dyed. Those grey hairs are showing me up.

Sigh

It feels like I'm coming up for air - just logging on to say hello. I can't even begin telling you how busy we've been. There are kids. EVERY. WHERE. All busy. All the time. All making me verrrry tired. We arrive at work with the sparrows in the morning, and leave at some awful hour every night when every other sane person on the planet is already kicking up a fat snore or two. Two weeks of this! What were we thinking?!? But, Monday's a-comin! And then we are officially on leave! Halelujah! Come on Monday, come on, come on... Come on Monday, come on! (And then I'll be blogging more regularly again too. Promise!)

Camp!

In spite of my best ill intentions I am LOVING camp! We have just short of one hundred kids here with us and we are splitting at the seams, but making do. Ten counselors, 100 kids. That's about a ratio of ten to one... but then we have to factor into the equation that these kids are between the ages of 7-12, which means they have the energy of four adults, so the ratio is more like FORTY to ONE! Yikes! But what a GREAT group. Of counselors. Haha! Ooookaaaay, and kids. Sorry this is such a shorty, but hectic hectic hectic. As only one who's been a slave helper at camp can understand. Eleven days to go! Here are some pics of what we've gotten up to with the animals campers... and here's a quickie pic of me and my fab hubby too (taken yesterday).

Junior Festival 2007

Busy-ness

Madness at work. Last working day before camp begins. Have the jitters. And the irritations and the complete confucious chaos's. Who knows when I'll have time to pick my nose relax and blog again! So, here's wishing you guys a great weekend. Think of us, with ninety-odd kids descending on us in less than 48 hours time! Heaven help us! I feel a hernia coming on.

Moving forward

A few days ago (in the midst of cyber-nothingness, which is why I didn't tell ya'll about it) I got an sms from a friend who knew of someone who who might have three kiddies about to be placed up for adoption. They were aged a few months, 3yrs and 5yrs. In retrospect, I was surprised that I was not even remotely excited to receive the sms. Maybe it's because we've had so many false leads. SO many disappointments. So many attempts at building our family that have fallen through, that I can no longer muster up even a semblance of excitement at another "prospect." A little while ago I was beginning to feel like a scavenger, always on the prowl, my tentacles out, eagerly awaiting some news of some disaster that would leave an orphan looking for a home. And I even disgusted myself. How pitiful the realization that I was wishing some calamity to befall some family, to fulfil my desires for a child. And then, after I received the sms from my friend, Robin and I sat down and spoke about if we could or would take the three of them if we had an opportunity to. And we decided not to. An instant family is one thing. An instant family of "grown" children is another thing totally. We always said that if we adopted, it would be a baby. At the most two years of age. If possible. But taking THREE children all at once, and only one of them a baby - sjoe! The idea intimidates scares the bejibbies out of me! It makes me scared when I think of just how much of our life would change! It makes me scared of whether or not our finances would stretch to meet the needs of three extra people to care for. It makes me scared to wonder if I would cope. Full stop. My hubby is a total wizz with kids. Me? Not so much. He can handle bunches of kids simultaneously. I get the hippy creapies when there are more than a handful of them around me at once. They make me feel all out of sorts. Which brings me to the scariest realization of all: maybe I'm starting to get over my desire to have children. That must sound truly weird to all of you, especially after a lifetime so many years of pursuing the object of my desire: a baby to call my own. And also especially after the amount of money we flushed down the toilet. Along with the processed fertility treatments. After the buckets of tears shed. And the anger and frustration and the refusal to accept the inevitable. Well, maybe now I am accepting the inevitable. Maybe the idea of a future without children is no longer as scary as it was before. Maybe I'm beginning to accept it. If my hubby and I can still be so in love with eachother today as we were six (almost seven) years ago when we married, after trudging along this rocky road of infertility, then flip! we can walk the rest of our lives together and still be happy! And I don't need to feel guilty about feeling relieved. Shedding the burden of infertility is a difficult thing to do, but I'm determined to do it! There is more to life. And I'm SO going to live it.

Best weekend ever!

This past weekend must rate as one of THEEEEEE BEST weekends we've ever had! It's impossible to even begin telling you just how much fun we had... I think the best thing I can do is just load pics of everything we got up to with the kids. Because words will never do it justice.

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We took the church children away and the kids we took stole our hearts. They were so grateful for every thing done for them. The night we arrived, one of our assistant pathfinder leaders had to show some of the kids how to sleep with bedding. They didn't know that you actually sleep between the sheets. This was so shocking to me! Their families are so poor that children sometimes sleep three to a bed, and all share one blanket. To arrive at the dorms and find not only one blanket, but also two sheets, two pillows and a duvet per bed (with spare blankets in their wardrobes) was so intimidating for them, that they just lay on top of the bedding. One little boy (about 9 years old) was having such difficulty falling asleep in his bed that he approached one of his friends and asked if he could sleep head to toe with him, because he wasn't used to sleeping alone in his bed, without his brothers. Way to make my heart bleed!

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The first night we arrived there was a warm meal of pasta, vegetables and ice-cream for dessert waiting for us. One of the boys there said he never knew you could eat so many different types of food at one meal!

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Oh how God blessed us! Spending time with those kids, most of whom were seriously underprivileged, put things into perspective for me. Mother's Day weekend is usually the worst weekend in the year for me. Going away with this group of kids was so life-changing that it turned into one of the most memorable weekends of my life. This was the first Mother's Day since 2002 that I can say without hesitation that I enjoyed EVERY moment, and that I didn't feel like I was crushed and devastated and heart-broken. This Mother's Day held promise for me. I awoke feeling energised and excited and exuberant. Besides having such a ball with the kids, just the idea that next year I might actually BE a mommy - well, there's nothing like that feeling.

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How incredibly blessed I am and so grateful to my Jesus! In just two short days, we will start the long process to adopt our babe from Russia. Wooo hooooo! Even while I'm typing this, I feel like shaking my bootie.

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So anyway, I could write so much more but I still don't think that anything I write could quite capture our time away with this incredible group of kids. Have a look at some pics.

Out of the mouths of the babes

Who needs tv when my nephew, lil Ethan, is around! He is the best comic relief available. Just the other day at church we had a lay preacher lead the service. In addition to the children's classes before the main service, there's a special time set aside in the service for a children's story. Of course, the kids love it! Ethan included. So, this particular instance, the lay preacher (let's call him John, for lack of a name) told the children's story. Unfortunately, John, although a really great preacher, aint so hot telling stories to kids. One might say he's a tad high-folluted. After about four or five minutes of yawning story-telling, he gave the kids an opportunity to answer a question. And this is where he found himself completely out of his depth. No problem for Ethan. Three-and-a-half year old Ethan grabs the microphone and says very clearly "You're wasting our time now!" It took about two seconds for that statement to finish echoing around the speechless assembly. Thereafter the entire congregation broke into rupturous guffaws. Needless to say, the children's story came to an abrupt end, with the old folk struggling to keep their false teeth from clattering to the floor through their chortling. Poor old John. I'll bet he won't be telling a children's story again in the near future.

"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19 v 14 KJV

If church is this much fun here, imagine Heaven one day! I can't wait.

In the words of The Byrds

I'm not a bird watcher, nor a Byrd listener, in the strict sense of being "a listener". But I do like this song, and mostly because it's almost a direct quote from scripture:-

To everything - turn, turn, turn... There is a season - turn, turn, turn... And a time for every purpose under heaven... A time to be born, a time to die... A time to plant, a time to reap... A time to kill, a time to heal... A time to laugh, a time to weep.. To everything - turn, turn,turn... There is a season...

And I believe those words are taken from Ecclesiastes 3

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How exciting that we get to be witnesses of the God of creation, in even the change of seasons and the birth of a beautiful baby boy. My friend Chantell gave birth to their son last night. What a miracle that little boy is. I don't think we can quite grasp the enormity of a new life joining us on planet earth. It is so life-changing and thrilling and awe-inspiring. This is our time to rejoice.

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I am so grateful that I get to share in the lives of people who are so blessed of God. I'm also blessed, but in other ways. And for that I am grateful. My time of weeping has passed. No more woe-is-me anymore.

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It is a new season. One where I put God back on His throne in my life. And where I sing along with The Byrds at the top of my lungs.

Little Eli

An update on little Eli and his family. Hats off to his mommy, who was in labour for 15 hours. Fifteen hours. My word! Channies, only someone who's been there, done that, can really know how brave you are! I can only imagine. You deserve an award breakfast in bed for the rest of your life! And exemption from doing the ironing. Shucks, while we're at it, let's throw in never having to do the dishes again for the rest of your life!

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Little Eli arrived on 22 March 2007 at 7:05 pm (USA time) and weighs 7lb 13 oz and is 21 inches long. For those of you in civilised countries, that translates into 4 and a half kg's and 53 cm's long.

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Welcome to the world, Eli!

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Once I have permission, I will post pics.

Eli is on the way!

Just a quickie to let you know that Chantell is in labour! And maybe by now little Eli has already arrived. We are BESIDE OURSELVES with excitement!!! Yippee! I can't wait to hear how you are all doing. Dewie, we are praying stukkend, boetie. Love you guys!

So much to say, so little time

I have LOADS on my mind today. But I know you're all v v busy with incredibly important things to do and therefore little time to sit and read my blog. Thus I will break my blog up into bitesized chunks, running over a few days. You'll have to stay tuned.
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Numero Uno.
Did you know that drinking milk (from a cow, that is...) actually gives you osteoporosis? And doesn't prevent it? Robin's taken to calling it (the milk, not the cow) Boob Juice! Haha! Have a v good friend, Dale, who calls it Nipple Nectar. Ew! That paints all sorts of gross pictures in my head. But back to my point. All of our school education has taught us the basic food pyramid. You know... so many portions of protein a day, so many glasses of milk, so many fruits... warra warra fish paste. But recent studies have proven quite the opposite of what advertising has indoctrinated us! It's FASCINATING! Well, to me it is. (And being the author of this blog, I get to decide!) Now, you all know that my fave thing on planet earth (besides babies, and Robin of course) is milky coffee! Boo hoo... don't even get me started on lamenting the hazards of coffee. I'm most distressed.
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See, we went to this INCREDIBLY interesting seminar last night at a school up in Hillcrest, hosted by a really nifty guy called Professor Walter Veith. I had watched his set of dvd's before, so when I heard he was coming to Durban, we dropped all things tv-related and headed up the hill to go and listen.
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What an amazing man! Such stunning stuff he shared with us - and not only about milk, but also about how important breakfast is, what sugar does, fats, etc. Life changing stuff. Uh... that is, if I decide to give up my beloved's every day. V v hard. I'll have to think about this one.

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Numero... two

My friend Ashleigh in Oz had her little boy on Friday. They have named him Noah. Please think of him. The docs have him in a special care unit as he has too much fluid on his lungs. As I know more, so will you.

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Number three

My tjommie Chantell is supposed to be having her little baby boy sometime... anytime now. We're all sitting on tenterhooks here. I tried to phone them yesterday on Skype (how cool is Skype by the way?) but no answer. So, you know the drill. As I know more, so will you.

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Number four

You've all been asking about Maybe Baby. Thanks for waiting long enough for me to get myself together on this one. I know you were all dying to ask questions sooner, but were respecting my wishes to give me some space.

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Here's the thing: we didn't get Maybe Baby. At the moment I don't know who did. Maybe the family who adopted Maybe Baby's sibling a few years ago? Maybe the granny? Better not to know. But for now, we're childless. That's ok. We're used to it by now. And we have plenty to occupy ourselves. And besides, I'm moving on, remember? So, that's what's happened with Maybe Baby.

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OK, I still have LOADS to say, but will save it for another day. That wasn't supposed to rhyme! Woops. OK, keep fingers, thumbs, toes and noses crossed for my two friends, Ashleigh and Chantell please. Can't stop thinking about them!

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So, tune in again tomorrow, for more Days of our Lives. haha!

Little Keana

I just received the most beautiful pics of little Keana from my cuz. Here they are. Isn't she just the most beautiful little angel ever? How is it possible to love a little somebody so much, that we haven't even met yet???

Searching

I re-read yesterday morning's post and it made me realize something.

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Joseph and Mary lost Jesus. When they took Jesus to the temple for Passover, in their haste to leave Jerusalem afterwards and go back home, they didn't notice that they'd left Jesus, The Child entrusted to them, behind. One of my favourite books, The Desire of Ages, mentions that event. And I quote semi-paraphrasedly from page 83:-

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"If Joseph and Mary had kept their minds on God through meditation and prayer, they would have realized the sacredness of their trust, and wouldn't have lost sight of Jesus. But by one day's neglect they lost the Saviour; and it cost them three days of anxious search to find Him. So it is with us: through idle talk, evil-speaking, or neglect of prayer, we may in one day lose the Saviour's presence, and it may take many days of sorrowful search to find Him, and regain the peace that we have lost."

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And I'm wondering if my frantic search yesterday wasn't a precursor to God teaching me this valuable lesson. As wildly as I was searching for that scan, that is as passionately as I should be seeking God's presence! I need Him in my life. How can I neglect Him, and still expect to live peace-fully? I break up the word 'peacefully' deliberately, by the way. Peace. Fully.

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Yes, I need Him in my life. Not to be a santa clause or my genie in a bottle. But because He is The Source of Peace. He died specifically for that purpose. To give me peace beyond my circumstances.

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Remember, Joseph and Mary lost Jesus. THE Joseph and Mary, mind you. Not just any old Jo Soap or Mary Mary Quite Contrary. If even THE Mr Joseph and Mrs Mary could lose Jesus, so can you and I. But there's hope in this story. Because if, after three days of sorrowful searching, they found Jesus again, so can you and I!

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And of course, to make matters all the more interesting now, there's this Maybe Baby. People, there is no way to describe what this feels like. It's like finding water in the desert. Only, it's like you're tied to a palm tree and the water is one arm's length beyond your reach. And it makes me realize, yet again, that we are so piddly and powerless to alter our own circumstances. We really need God's intervention, in every aspect of the word.

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It's very hard to say "what will be will be" or "Your will be done" and to really mean it. It's even harder to accept that your dream for the future lies in the hands of someone who doesn't even know you. Some social worker somewhere who hasn't even met me, gets to decide if I am good enough to parent this baby. That's the small picture.

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The big picture is vastly different. I believe in a God who cares about every single one of us, and who has our eternal life in mind. And He really does know what's best. How can I ask Him to guide me, then throw a tantrum when things don't go my way? How can I ask for His will to be done, then when His will is different from mine, I turn my back on Him and go about things my way?

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I know what sorrowful searching is all about. Right now I am seeking His presence and His will. Of course I would love to throw a tantrum and raise my fist in anger when things don't work out the way I want them to, but praise God, there's grace to be found in the God that created and saved us.

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" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future... And you will seek for Me and find Me when you seek for Me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29 v 11, 13.

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Anybody want to join me in the search?

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P.S. I am going to post below a copy of the email I sent to my closest friends and family, sharing exactly what I know about this baby. Please pray with me about this? Thank you.

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Hello everyone! Thank you so much for all of your sms's, emails, phonecalls etc. I promised to keep you up to speed. So I'm emailing you all now so that you all know what I know. Please don't keep asking me if I know anything further - I promise I will keep you up to date. This is an enormous emotional uphill battle which has only just begun. How can I already be this exhausted so early??? Robin and I are determined to stay level-headed about it and to keep placing our desires before God's throne and asking His will to be done.
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Anyway, now for what's going on. I've spoken to my friend who is our contact to the family some more... and things have been complicated by a few things... it's such a long story, so this is the short version:-

• The family that adopted the first child has first option.
• The granny adopted the second child.
• The granny cannot afford to adopt the third one.
• The family that adopted the first child wants the third, but only if it's not a "foster first, then maybe you get to adopt the baby later" situation. Which makes perfect sense.
• We are not known by the social workers, which puts us in a precarious situation where they probably won't consider us.
• The social workers have yet to remove the child from where it is.
• The parents of the baby are druggies.
• Therefore the baby is probably a crack baby.
• They live in someone's back yard in a room.
• The mother of the child is (quote): "A standard five child." I don't know if that means she's a semi-adult with only a std 5 education, or if she's literally a child still herself.
• The social welfare department wants to try to rehabilitate the parents of the baby and restore the family unit.
• The granny wants an "open adoption" situation where she can still know the child.
• We want a closed adoption, where there is never an option that the baby will be snatched from us and returned to a potentially-abusive situation.

So, now you know what we know. I know these statements above will prompt another fifty two million questions from you guys, but at the moment I don't have answers. So please please don't ask me more questions. I am asking those same questions and I don't have answers. So I promise we will keep you all informed.
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The chances of us getting the baby are very slim. But I believe in a God who created the universe and who can take slim chances and make huge fat promises from them.
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I am not asking God for this child. I am asking for His will to be done for us. He knows that Robin and I are (finally!) willing to follow wherever He leads. We have laid our dreams at His feet and will accept whatever His answer is. He is God. I need to trust Him.
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So there you go. Please keep lifting us up to God in prayer. And ask God to help us cope with whatever His will is and to give us clear direction.
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Thanks for praying with us and for caring! God knew what He was doing when He gave us you as friends and family.