Thursday, 8 May 2008

Instinct (and some pics)

It was my Mother Bear instincts that kicked in yesterday. I think it was also the deciding factor for me about accepting the little boy or not. See, our neighbour (on the farm next door to us, with the zebras) got wind that we were offered a little boy in addition to the little girl and phoned to ask if she could come and visit. First time ever that she came for a visit too! So, I was a bit curious about why the sudden visit? What I never knew was that she was struggling with infertility! She lives about a kilometre away from me and I just never knew! But how is this for a coincidence? She was getting treatment from the very same doctors as I was, in Durban. I mean, there's a team of doctors that work at the Life Centre (300 kilometres away!), and out of that team, she was working with the very same doctors at the very same practise as were on my case! How crazy is that coincidence?

Oh, my heart just broke for her! She said that it was the first time she'd ever spoken to anyone about her feelings. She and I shared our stories with each other, and many a tear were shed. But I realized while we were chatting, that though I understood EVERYTHING she said; though I shared a "been there, done that" t-shirt with her, I was already on "the other side". She already looked at me in much the same way as many of us infertiles look at those lucky ones who have gone on to become pregnant and have their dreams come true. She was envious of me! It was such a weird, awkward realization for me! Almost like, I no longer fit in the category of infertile anymore! Such a strange, out of sorts feeling. I mean, I am still one hundred percent totally incapable of having a baby pop from my own loins, but now I am getting two! Two precious little bundles that will call me Mommy. Me! How did that even happen? I'm telling you, it was all God. This can only be God's doing! And it just makes me want to sing His praises at the top of my lungs!

So, anyway, there we were sitting, dishing out tissues ten to the dozen, and then she piped up in a warbly, squeaky, too-afraid-to-even-ask little voice: "Char, are you sure that you want this little boy too?" and in her eyes I saw that kind of hope lurking, that only someone at the very edge of their resources has - a steady, quiet, determined type of desperation that prompts you to do things you would normally never do; that would prompt her to say, if given a chance, that she wanted him more than me. She never said it, but I felt it in her quiet little question. And that's when my Mother Bear Instinct kicked in. And I steeled my heart and said "Yes, I want him. With all my heart I want him. If I can have him, I will."

I told Robin later, when my defences were down again, that she was unwittingly the person who pushed me over the edge of indecision. Call it greed. Call it selfish. But I have a choice. And I've chosen him. I want him. And if I can, I will take him and love him till I breathe my very last breath. And then I will love him for eternity afterwards, when Jesus raises us from the dead at the resurrection. If God gives us these two little babies, I will treat them like the treasures they really are. Gifts from God Himself.

Time for some pics of our progress in the nursery. But first I want to show you some really nifty things that I bought for the nursery that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE! It's weird how I always sort of had an idea of how I wanted to decorate my nursery one day if I ever fell pregnant and now that I'm preparing for our baby(s), my ideas are totally different to what I thought I'd like. And boy oh boy has my Nesting Instinct kicked in! It's kicking butt actually. (Almost as strongly as my Mother Bear Instincts, but a bit more frantic!) Anyhoo... So, I love storage and clever ways to make storage pretty. I found this AWESOME retro funky box and I just couldn't resist it. So I bought it on the spot. It now serves as my inspiration reference for everything we're making in the nursery.
Above: Inspiration Box
And then I went and chose some paint thingy-majiggies so I could choose the wall colours. I am still a bit undecided, but we have a thick chunky warm rug for the floor (because at the moment we have HORRIBLE cream lino floor tiles on the floor and I need something to hide them away. I console myself with the fact that they aren't green. Or grey. Or worse: patterned! Ugghhhh!... we're hoping to tile out the house soon, and then hopefully we will be forever rid of the dreaded lino floor tiles). But the rug we have is peach. Which just isn't my colour at all. But we'll work with it. Here are the paint sample thingy-me-bobs:-

Obviously I won't choose dark colours for the walls... but I don't want a pink room. Which is just as well, seeing as we might be adding a little boy to the room too! Yay! Once I've made my decision and started painting, I'll show you some pics again ok?

And then, I thought, well, let me paint all the wooden furniture white. And allow the room colours to be dictated by the accessories, rather than the furniture. So I painted even the toybox white... And then it looked bland to me. So I've pimped my toybox a bit too! haha. I couldn't resist. So, now it matches my inspiration box a bit! But that will be the only "wild" furniture in the room.

And then I bought some more nifty storage baskets. These will eventually go on the "bookshelf" next to the changing table, along with my inspiration box. At the moment they are just stashed in the cupboards with the other baby stuff, while I paint the bookshelf white. What a job! But eventually they will have a pretty spot to sit on.

We've been busy with plenty more too, but I thought I'd save a few photos for another day. And for when the room is looking a bit more loved and organized. I just can't believe that this stuff is all ours! Not someone else's for their baby. But ours. How lifechanging! Have I mentioned how excited I am??? (And poepbang at the same time?)


Much Ado said...

Wow, its all really happening!!! :) You must be beside yourself with excitement! I'm so happy for you both! You're so creative by the way - love the toy box.

Sue Cramer said...

OH Char!!!!!
I just popped in to see how you are doing and OH Char!!!!
I'm am so thrilled for you!

What a precious gift(s)!

Eph 3:20
20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think

Congratulations and big hugs girl!!

Strawberry_Lamb said...

It's wonderful. I can't wait for the next blog entries ... God has really blessed you both and has chosen you to be parents to 2 children. Yeah God.

Andria and Co. said...

The nursery is looking great!

I feel for your neighbor... Hopefully the tides will change, and she will have the chance to be a mother soon.

Are you and Robin going to keep the little boy's name, or change it?

LaLa said...

I love your inspiration box and the toy box is so cute!!! I know it must have been hard looking into her eyes and feeling her hope but you have to do what is right for your family and God knows where that little boy needs to be.

Thinking of you : )

JamieD said...

Your nursery is looking great - you are so creative!!

And thanks for the words of support - it is much appreciated!

Meredith Teagarden said...


How AMAZING is this post!! You are showing us your nursery inspiration and I am teary eyed for a woman on the other side of the world!!

I pray your neighbor will know that her dreams are possible!

Carla said...

Oh how I feel for that woman, the desperation, the feelings of's just all so draining. So very draining.

LOVING the nursery! :) I can not wait to see you with your precious gift(s).

Ms. J said...

That must have been tough for you AND your neighbor. Rough stuff.

LUV the items you showed us in the nursery. I like the whimsical quality of it!!!

P.S. I am anti-pink nursery, too ;o)

Frenchie said...

I read this post yesterday, and I can't stop thinking about your neighbor. For some reason, her pain is really sitting on my heart. I will be praying for her child to find his/her way to her. You did the right thing--and maybe that encounter was just what you needed to solidify your decision. I am so happy for you! What a blessing! 2 babies for Char and Robin--YAY!!!!!

You are so talented, girl. I love the way you painted that trunk. So cute. Hope you are having so much fun.