Sunday, 24 February 2008

Of Frogs and Outcomes

My yesterday started with me climbing out of bed to get dressed. And stepping on a loving gift that one of my cats had left for me beside my bed. And it just happened to be something that bursts when you stand on it. From what I could make out as I tried my best not to add some of my supper to the mess scraped the gooey remnants from my footsole, it appeared to be a frog. And that set the tone for the remainder of what turned out to be Cycle Day One.

And this is what I spent the remainder of Cycle Day 1 doing...

- Asking God to help me be ok.
- Had lunch at a friend's house. Where there happened to be some other friends invited who had their baby three weeks ago.
- Endured much ooh-ing and ahh-ing.
- Asking God to give us a baby, for Robin's sake and not for mine. I'm done asking for myself.
- Holding friend's baby and wishing it was mine.
- Praising God for life. And asking Him to help me reconcile the fact that I probably will never hold my own baby. And to help me be ok with that eventuality.
- More ooh-ing and ahh-ing.
- Listened to lots of unsolicited advice from old aunties who have heard that I should just adopt and I'll miraculously fall pregnant soon after that.
- Refrained from telling them that right now it is impossible for a white South African to adopt. That I had personally phoned twelve adoption agencies and not ONE of them had been willing to even write down my name, because their waiting lists are 11,000 strong. And that if we were to adopt a baby with a different ethnic group to mine, I'd have to raise that child exactly as if I were it's ethnic equal. Which I wouldn't be able to do. Seeing as I am, unfortunately, not a Zulu. Or Xhosa. And therefore do not know how to raise a child as one.
- Nodded and said "Yes, I have heard stories like that before."
- Spent a lot of time staring at the baby and wondering if they would be able to catch me if I grabbed her and made a dash into the mountains considering my chances of ever acquiring having one of my own.
- Listened to four of the women talk about how "next time I fall pregnant, I'll definitely not have an epidural." And trying my best to look comfortable.
- Wondered if my friends would ever get past the Babymaking Age.
- Wondered if I would ever make it to the other side.
- Looked forward to the ripe old age of fifty, by which age, surely, I would no longer have to juggle wanting to spend time with my friends and wanting to avoid them because they are either pregnant, or trying to fall pregnant, or nursing, or only talking about how cute their little one is because they're now walking / talking / sitting on their own / starting school soon.
- Wondered if I would still have anything in common with them, by then.
- Thanked God that at least one of my friends will never have children, because of circumstances in her life which don't allow for it.
- Felt guilty for being so selfish.
- Asked God to forgive me for being resentful.
- Tried not to weep when Robin held the baby and remembered again that if it weren't for ME, he'd have been a father years ago already.
- Begged God to grant our request for a child, for Robin's sake. Again.
- Listened to some more unsolicited advice from grannies who never had problems conceiving, but who have all the answers.
- Eventually escaped Came home and had friends come to visit.
- Including the one I'm convinced is pregnant!

Am I a sucker for punishment or what?


Lena said...

Char I found your blog from your comment on Tertia's blog. I tried to find out more about yourself from your blog, but it is difficult to put all the pieces together.Have you had any IVF's so far? Why exactly are you struggling to conceive?

I am 35.5 years old. I have had 7 IUI's, 2 IVF's and one miscarriage. I avoid any do's where there are baby's. Self-preservation!

But I will not give up trying to have a baby. I keep praying for God's blessing and to make me patient. To help me wait for the right time. God helps those who help themselves. Jesus put mud on the blind man's eyes, but the man had to go wash it off himself.

Think of Tertia, she had 9 IVF's!

You must hang in there. Anything is possible for God.

Frenchie said...

If I could reach through the computer and give you an enourmous hug I would do so this instant! My heart is aching for you because I know EXACTLY what that scenario is like. I have lived it many,many times. EVERYONE kept telling me I'd fall pregnant as soon as we adopted. Ugh. I hate, hate hate that bit of assvice. And people around us can't seem to stop getting pregnant, 4 years and counting, while my hubby and I can't, so I too have been almost looking forward to being past the Baby Making Age.

Oooooohh, and you endured all of this while being on CD1, and very disappointed, I'm sure.

I am not trying to give you assvice but can I ask a question? Are you able to adopt from another country? Just curious?

Kelly said...

I think one of the hardest things in this world is to not know why some things are the way they are. Why is it that the best people can't have their own babies and why is it that some of the worst people do?

I will continue to lift you up in prayer.

Rita said...

I am sending you hugs through cyber space. I can feel "the waters rising" here too. I am sure CD1 is a few hours away. I feel your pain.
My prayers go out to you and your husband tonight

Aurette said...

I love you very much!

Praise and Coffee said...

Big hugs girl.
Trust me adoption does not make you pregnant- which now I am quite thankful for! But everyone told us the same thing.

Praying for you to have lots of hope and joy in your heart (based only on Him, not the outcome).
Our God is faithful.

Love ya,

Andria and Co. said...

Oh, Char, my heart breaks for you.

My name is Jo and this is me rambling on about my life. said...

Char, I know there is nothing I can say or do to help but just know that I'm thinking of both of you guys

Missing you so much

Melissa said...

I am praying for you tonight, Char. And for Robin too.

Char said...

Hi Lena

It's me again, trying to reply to your comment. I wrote a nice long one a while back and then it did not want to publish. (I was having problems with my pc.)

To answer your question:-
I have PCOS and Endometriosis. And together it's proving to be almost impossible to have children. I never did IVF because it's such an expensive procedure, with such a marginal chance of success. A little out of our reach to attempt, especially if it would turn out to be a repeat performance.

I've had numerous IUI's, countless rounds of clomiphene citrate, laparoscopy and lazer treatments, acupuncture, reflexology, naturopathy, homeopathy, "fire", the works. Just not IVF.

Oh well. As long as the dream exists, I guess we will try anything huh?

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. And for introducing yourself. I wish you had left your email address so that I could reply to you directly.

Sorry this took so long in coming.

I so understand your prayers for patience. And the struggle to keep your head above the waters, spiritually.

I sometimes wonder "why" but I've stopped asking why, if you know what I mean.

Anything is possible for God. But sometimes His answer is no. And that's what I'm struggling with right now.

I hope you come back to read this. I hope I haven't disappointed you in taking so long to respond.