Wednesday, 9 May 2007

The Waiting Game again

I woke up this morning to a horrible thought. And then I realized it's not a thought. It's me. I'm infertile. I really am! It's not a half-hearted attempt at looking for attention. I must really be infertile. This past Easter was officially five long years of trying to have a baby. Oh well. That just reinforces our decision to adopt.
But I must admit there are a few scary thoughts that run around in my head every so often... like what if I've become so used to my life as it is? What if the idea of being parents has become so much nicer than the reality? What if I relish the quiet, orderly life we lead so much that having toddlers running around my home screaming and creating disorder actually freaks me out? I must admit, I'm getting scared. It's a huge responsibility. Parenting. Someone is going to give ME a baby, to become MINE. I won't be able to walk away when I'm frustrated. Or sleep through the night. Or laze in bed all Sunday morning, lost in the latest novel. Days of quietude will be a thing of the past.
And you know what? I can't wait!!! I can't wait to have little handprints on the teevee screen. I can't wait to wake up to someone calling for me. I can't wait to go shopping in the children's department. I can't wait for the sloppy wet kisses and the chaos and tripping on the toys and wiping that little face clean with a wet wipe. I can't wait for pushing the pram through the mall. Negotiating my way through the aisles, pushing a pram in one hand and lugging the shopping trolley behind me with the other. I can't wait to sing "twinkle twinkle little star" and struggle to get the shoelaces tied while they wriggle and squirm. I can't wait to pack the snack-pack for church every weekend. I can't wait for the dedication service. And our first photo shoot. And for hearing Robin playing with them outside while I cook supper. I can't wait to hold our baby and watch it sleep in my arms. And to know, this little baby, it's ours. For ever.
I can't wait. But the truth is - we have waited. Are still waiting. And will continue to wait. As long as it takes.


Hanlie said...

Hi Tjommie, even for us who did not have the struggle you guys have, the reality of being a parent is far from what we think it will be. We picture it to be all moonshine and's not! It is wonderful, but it is also very difficult! But do not stress, you get used to the constant disorder very quickly...if you want to or not...hehe... And yes, when they give you that first kiss (open mouth with slobber and all) and that first hug, it is all so worth it. Good luck my friend, I know you guys will be wonderful parents! Hanlie

Jane said...

What a great post! Thanks for stopping by my blog, glad to have discovered yours!