Friday, 22 February 2008

CD 26

It is Cycle Day 26. Which is right about when my hormones usually start going totally wacko and everything falls apart. Ummm, maybe that sounded a bit too descriptive. Hmmm. Well, I meant it in a "things start going wrong" kinda way and not in a gross, literal, descriptive way. If you know what I mean.
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Anyhoo.
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So, I'm now at the stage where I try to convince myself that should, um, Aunt Petunia arrive, I won't be disappointed, because actually I expected it. Which is what I do every month to try to minimize my shattered'ness.
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Strangely enough, the waiting is worse, for me, than the outcome. Once, um ahem, Aunt Petunia comes knocking, it's almost like a resigned "oh well, I knew it anyway." Not really, but it helps me to convince myself of it. Because it's easier for me to fool myself into believing that I didn't really think I was pregnant anyway, so it's not so bad. Than to think that I might be pregant! and then be disappointed.
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Because I'm a bit of a weird one that way.
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I just hate disappointment. So, if I don't hope, then, well, I shouldn't be disappointed. Right? Um, no. I'm always disappointed. Aaaaallllllllways.
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So, these next few days are going to be ha-ard. Because my cycle is about as regular as... shucks, I can't think of anything that's as irregular as I am. Which just goes to show. So, Aunt Petunia might only arrive this time next week. By which time I will have already peed on about fifty-two sticks and been disappointed with each and every one. Because, even though I'm not hoping, per se, I'll still be checking my sanity levels and guaging them by the outcome of the pee-stick. If you know what I mean.
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Grrr. And they said "trying" would be fun!
I think "they" were lying.
Period. Err, um, that's all I have to say about that.


7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate, I'm not going to say anything else, other than ... ek verstaan!
Karen

Heath said...

Hi,
Don't get the sticks. Try and take your mind off it. I have stopped doing the sticks.... it helps the sanity. You see things
that might not even be there!#$%!
Just keep thinking, well maybe next month and keep acting natural and try and make yourself relax.
THIS IS WHAT I AM TELLING MYSELF AND DOING ALL THE TIME. 'My aunt Flo and your aunt Petunia should get together and leave us alone!' LOL, CH

MLO said...

The hoping is almost worse at times. This cycle, I'm really, really detached.

((Hugs))

Andria and Co. said...

I am sending some extra prayers for you to the man upstairs.
After my Clomid cycle, I tested early. I just had to.. it was positive. Then, I was told that it could have been a false-positive because I had a trigger-shot before ovulation. I was so stressed out.
How is Robin handling the hormonal rollercoaster?

Rita said...

Hey we're almost in the same cycle - I'm CD 25. So given the time difference, jet lag, phases of the moon - you could say we're on the same cycle. Cycle-sistas eating Chinese food. Yum.
Promise yourself not to poas until CD30. It's too heart wrenching. I refuse to buy them -partially because here I can't buy them at the dollar store and the other reason is well, you know
~Rita

Much Ado said...

Hi, thanks for checking in on me!

Said a prayer for you today. God Bless.

Spanglish said...

PCOS adds insult to injury because the irregularity lends one to hope, even when we fight so hard against hoping.

Today is CD 28. I hope Aunt Petunia doesn't bother with you this month. Or the next. Or at all for a good long while...

Hoping is tricky. Even when I was proclaiming that Hope and Faith were no longer in my emotional repertoire still I took my medications. Still I was disappointed for every cycle day 1. Still I'd whisper "please" in the shower because actually praying was just too much an effort. I tried so, so hard to give up hope but still it flickered and the pain of it was sometimes just too much to bear.

When you can't bring yourself to actively hope for anything in this struggle, please know I'm waaaaaay over here hoping for you. I'll hold your hope for you when you need me to, and of course I'm praying for you. And praying and praying and praying.