She came bearing gifts

Looking back, I don’t know when I stopped believing it. But when my friend popped over yesterday to bring me some “get well soon” gifts and offer me some encouragement I was astounded by how much I really drank in her words and the love that motivated them. She said to me, “Char, yesterday morning God impressed on me that I should come to visit you and tell you that He loves you” and I felt my heart pounding in my ears. Literally, that coldness swept over me from head to toe, followed immediately afterwards by that searing heat that radiates from deep down and finally makes it’s way to your face, like a deeply embarrassing “caught with your hand in the cookie jar” feeling. Like somehow, she could see right to the very heart of me. Her eyes searched my face and I felt laid bare. Like she knew, somehow. She knew that I no longer believed it. And she followed God’s prompting to come and tell me – ME! – that He loves ME and wants me to know it. There was an awkward silence. She was silent. I was silent. But she kept her eyes focused on me. Smiling eyes. But still, those eyes. On me. I hated knowing she knew. I hated the feeling that she was certain I needed to hear this. And that she wasn’t going to leave or leave me alone until I knew it again. Until I was as certain about it as she was. That God really loves me. I wished she would go away and leave me alone. But an overriding compulsion to keep her there with me, to make her say it again, kept my mouth zipped. I watched her and she watched me back. Still, that silence. Then she said it again. She said, “Char, God sent me to tell you this. He loves you. And He lets things happen. He ordains it. He knows what’s happening. And He is still your Father.” He knows this is happening? He knows I’m walking away from Him. Quietly. Unobtrusively, slipping away. Unnoticed? Clearly not! He knows I don’t know how to talk to Him anymore. He knows I don’t feel His love. Or that He evens sees me anymore. He knows I feel overlooked and punished. Abandoned by Him. He knows! “He is still your Father, and He cares more than you can comprehend it.”

My friend could never have understood just how much I needed to hear those words. She came bearing gifts. Beautifully wrapped with organza ribbon and decorated in my favourite autumn colours. But the biggest gift she left with me was the assurance of this God whom I don’t understand. A God who loves even me and wants me to know it. A God who came, bearing gifts. The gift of salvation. Of an eternity with Him. And mostly, the gift of His love. Undeserved. Unwarranted. Misunderstood. But still. Love. For even me.

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P.S. I've been booked off until Friday. This flu has me in it's clutches!