Being In Vague

Just recently I've discovered something startlingly scary about myself. I think I started to distrust God! Really. And that's scary. Because, though I'm very vocal about having faith, trusting God, believing everything will work out, yada yada... My prayers have changed lately from being specific, faith-based, promise-claiming prayers to vague 'That's ok God, I'll ask You, but if You don't, that's also ok' type of prayers. Almost as if I'm giving God permission to overlook me. How silly is that? What is the point of prayer then? What's the point, when God is seeking to show me His glory, and I'm dismissing Him with a wave of my hand and a "Whatever, God..." ? How can this relationship possibly be one that grows if I'm not making any attempt at putting trust in Him anymore? It's doomed! And I'm afraid.

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I honestly don't know how to restore my trust in Him. What do I do with the God who wants so badly to be involved in my life, but I don't know Him well enough anymore to trust that things really will work out for my good? For the last while I have been so scared of treating God like some Santa Clause in the sky, that I haven't asked anything of Him anymore, mostly because I didn't want to be disappointed in Him if there was no answer...

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My head tells me I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face. My heart is a little bit broken.

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What I am grateful for, though, is this feeling of being cold that's settled over me.

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." Revelation 3 v 15 & 16

Because, being lukewarm, you do not realize your need of God. At least when you're cold, you realize you're cold and that you need help. That's me right now. I have removed myself so fully from God's presence, quietly, that I am shivering and wishing I was still within His warm embrace. And did you see that part at the end of the verse? It says that being lukewarm is actually nauseating to God! It makes Him want to spew us out of His mouth!

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Revelation 3 goes on to say...

"You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

I never would have thought that I would be grateful that I am cold! Because that tells me I need to be covered again, clothed in His righteousness! It's made me realize that I really need Jesus in my life again. I really need to hand over things to Him that I hold dear to myself. Things that are standing in the way of my relationship with Him. I need to "store up for [myself] treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where [my] treasure is, there [my] heart will be also. " Matthew 6 v 20-21.

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Repentance should be easy, when I realize that He is there for me. He is standing at my door and knocking. I hear His voice! Once I open that door again, He will come in and eat with me! We'll celebrate together! Regardless of what silly treasures He had to climb over in order to gain entrance into my life again.