Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Sick of me

I must admit, I've been rather proud of myself since this post. I was de-ter-mined to think and blog about anything other than babies. And in retrospect, it wasn't even really hard to refocus on other things. Granted, we've had a few major happenings to be preoccupied with, but, pushing "baby" thoughts out of my mind has been kind of like putting a plaster (that's a band-aid for you guys in the Americas) on a broken leg. It hasn't fixed things. Not that it can really be fixed... but not thinking about things is really hard to do, actually. I suppose I've been faking it a bit. The chit-chat's about All Things Not Baby. It's a farce. Because, those Desperately Seeking Baby thoughts still lurk beneath the surface. Grrr... How I wish there was a way out of infertility. I am sick of being infertile. Feeling like a scavenger. Wishing for a way out. Wondering where my baby will come from. Wondering if I'm doomed to be childless for ever.

I started writing this post early this morning. I had just written the "wondering if I'm doomed to be childless for ever" when an email arrived from a dear friend whom Robin and I had recently asked to be a surrogate for us. Her email held her response to our BIG question. She said no. I would have thought I'd be more disappointed than I am. But truly, I'm not really even half as disappointed as I thought I'd be. She's a fab friend, and one we love dearly. And of course, we'd have loved it if she'd said yes, obviously, but we really believe that God is good to us. All of us. And together she and I and Robin had been praying for God's leading in our specific situation. And now that we have a reply, how can I believe that her reply is anything other than God's will for us in this specific situation? Maybe God has someone else in mind? Maybe. Maybe not. But I am determined to trust Him no matter what. And our friend also trusts Him. And together, I believe this decision is for our good. All of us. Robin and I and our friend.
And so we will continue with our adoption proceedings from Kaszakstan.
It takes me by surprise sometimes, this desire for children. Because it underlies every other decision we make. You'd think that by now, I'd be willing to sell my car and buy a two-seater, right? Nope. I need the boot space for in case we need to stash a pram in there one day. There's this tv cabinet that I love. But it has glass inlays. Therefore, I'm no longer very interested in it. Because what if one day I'm a parent, and we have a toddler running around and s/he trips and crashes through the glass? We even bought a one hundred percent leather lounge suite when it was time to refurnish our lounge, becuase leather is child-friendly. Easy to clean. And all of that.
Fat load of good all our planning did for us.
The hardest part about being infertile lately is the helplessness of it. The realization that there's nothing more to do to fix this. The knowledge that we are dependant on someone else to "give" us a baby. It does suck. Nobody would choose this for themselves. Or for their worst enemies.
And I'm also sick of always being down about it. Maybe one day I will be able to think about being infertile without feeling crushed? Maybe one day I won't even think about it anymore? Well, that would be amazing. Not thinking about it anymore.
Then there'd be no more posts like this. And you guys would also be happy.


Deborah said...

I found your blog on an usa blog and suprise suprise your here in sunny south africa just like me. loved the visit on your blog. love always me

Anonymous said...

Dear Charmaine,
Hi. I felt sad reading your blog ... but boyohboyoh ... I know the feelings you mentioned well!!! It hurts like hell and the 'not knowing what's in the future' is actually sometimes worse ... at least if you knew there was never going to be a baby, you could get over it and move on. It's the hope that keeps you going, but also silently eats away at you!
You must really get my email address from Aurette ... there's loads I'd love to tell you about my journey too!!!
Lots of love,

Anonymous said...

Oh Char I so know how you feel. When my husband and I decided to give up trying to have children I went through many, many desperate months when I just wished I could accept my life. Most days I long for acceptance of a life without children MORE than I long for a child of our own.

I have spent the morning reading your archives while my students take their final exams. I admire (and envy) your faith. I completely understand your feelings of inadequacy in regards to having PCOS while your husband has a viable reproductive system. I understand you completely, and respect your religious views.

I hope you cheer up soon. Thank you so much for leaving a comment on my site a few days ago. I'm grateful that I have your link.


Amberly said...

I cannot imagine how you feel, but have known people in your circumstances. My heart goes out to you. I'm thankful that you have the option of adoption and hope you are able to proceed with that and find yourself to be mommy to a sweet child!

Kelly said...

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Sharon said...

Thinking of you - always...
Lots of love

Carla said...

thanks for leaving the comment (and once here I read some posts). This one called out to me. I so know what you mean, and while I'm blessed with 2boys it was not easy getting the 2nd here. I remember well the feelings and the thoughts from that terrible infertility nightmare of a time. It's so incredibly hard. {HUG}