Moving forward

A few days ago (in the midst of cyber-nothingness, which is why I didn't tell ya'll about it) I got an sms from a friend who knew of someone who who might have three kiddies about to be placed up for adoption. They were aged a few months, 3yrs and 5yrs. In retrospect, I was surprised that I was not even remotely excited to receive the sms. Maybe it's because we've had so many false leads. SO many disappointments. So many attempts at building our family that have fallen through, that I can no longer muster up even a semblance of excitement at another "prospect." A little while ago I was beginning to feel like a scavenger, always on the prowl, my tentacles out, eagerly awaiting some news of some disaster that would leave an orphan looking for a home. And I even disgusted myself. How pitiful the realization that I was wishing some calamity to befall some family, to fulfil my desires for a child. And then, after I received the sms from my friend, Robin and I sat down and spoke about if we could or would take the three of them if we had an opportunity to. And we decided not to. An instant family is one thing. An instant family of "grown" children is another thing totally. We always said that if we adopted, it would be a baby. At the most two years of age. If possible. But taking THREE children all at once, and only one of them a baby - sjoe! The idea intimidates scares the bejibbies out of me! It makes me scared when I think of just how much of our life would change! It makes me scared of whether or not our finances would stretch to meet the needs of three extra people to care for. It makes me scared to wonder if I would cope. Full stop. My hubby is a total wizz with kids. Me? Not so much. He can handle bunches of kids simultaneously. I get the hippy creapies when there are more than a handful of them around me at once. They make me feel all out of sorts. Which brings me to the scariest realization of all: maybe I'm starting to get over my desire to have children. That must sound truly weird to all of you, especially after a lifetime so many years of pursuing the object of my desire: a baby to call my own. And also especially after the amount of money we flushed down the toilet. Along with the processed fertility treatments. After the buckets of tears shed. And the anger and frustration and the refusal to accept the inevitable. Well, maybe now I am accepting the inevitable. Maybe the idea of a future without children is no longer as scary as it was before. Maybe I'm beginning to accept it. If my hubby and I can still be so in love with eachother today as we were six (almost seven) years ago when we married, after trudging along this rocky road of infertility, then flip! we can walk the rest of our lives together and still be happy! And I don't need to feel guilty about feeling relieved. Shedding the burden of infertility is a difficult thing to do, but I'm determined to do it! There is more to life. And I'm SO going to live it.