And...

It's my birthday today! Yippeee! And it's Freedom Day in South Africa, which means that I get to have a public holiday every year on my birthday. And it's a long weekend - most people are taking Monday off, because Tuesday is the 1st of May, which is also a public holiday. And I have friends visiting for the long weekend. And they brought pressies. And I got to eat a fat slice of vanilla cake smothered in caramel. And I got bunches of emails and text messages and phonecalls from my friends overseas. And I've come to the conclusion that life really is good! Yay!

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And I've taken a decision to go for the anointing from Angus Buchan, and I am beyond excited about it. This is the best part of my birthday. Either way, this is my last birthday as a non-mommy. And I'm loving it!

Unrealistic expectations?

Now, I know this adoption thing is going to be one big fat party. Not... but I think I'm beginning to have unrealistic expectations. Mmmm... I dream of boarding the plane to fetch my little one from Russia, and there being no problems at customs, no delayed flights, lots of spending money, a taxi driver waiting at airport with "new mommy and daddy" written on his little hold-up-name-board-thingy, a five star hotel complete with freshly arranged flowers, mints on the pillow and freshly brewed coffee the next morning, of walking into the orphanage and my little one holding out his/her arms and snuggling into my embrace, looking up at me with enormous adoring and trusting eyes and saying "Mama!" Mmm...

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I guess I might need to start preparing myself for the reality and not the dream. After all, if dreams were to come true, I'd already have my brood of seven. So, things don't always turn out as expected. Point taken.

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But, here's something for all of you thinkers out there to munch on. So, we've been praying long and hard and long for a baby. Recently, as you know, my prayers evolved a bit to be more "inclusive", i.e. for a baby from anyone to call my own, and not necessarily one that pops from me. So I thought I was making some progress. Moving on, and all of that. So, what do you make of this development?

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On Sunday we awoke to a very interesting sms from a good friend of ours. He attended an Angus Buchan retreat. For those of you who don't know Angus Buchan, the book and movie "Faith like Potatoes" is the story written by him, based on his story. An autobiography of sorts. Excellent book, by the way. Anyway, he's this amazing, dynamic speaker, but more importantly, he's a man of God and lives to bring others to Christ. Angus Buchan has become reknown for his ministry specifically related to couples who cannot conceive. He prays over them, and wa-la! Preggy within months. One of our close friends, Dale, knows this for sure, because his sister was one of them. So, anyway, our friend Ryan attended these meetings. When Angus asked for couples to come forward who were struggling to conceive, Ryan went forward and stood in for us, as our proxy. Thus the very interesting sms he sent us. His sms read something like this:

Great news guys! Just been to Angus Buchan seminar. Stood proxy for you re conception probs. You guys will have baby soon.

Mmm... If you're anything like me, you're v skeptical. I never used to be, but call me cautious for being given so much "bad advice" in our various ridiculous attempts at falling pregnant. Five years of "you guys should try this stuff - it really works!" and "maybe you should go see this doctor, my uncle's step-daughter's cousin's wife tried and it worked" yadda yadda yadda and you'll probably also turn into a cynic. And besides, even though I read the book Mr Buchan wrote, and enjoyed it very much, he's from a different denomination to me and so I read it with a pinch of salt. Oh, how much of a pharisee am I? Please God, work in me and make me more like You!

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But I'm really trying to follow God's lead, you see. I want to be completely open to HIS suggestions. So, what if - just what if - this is God's voice speaking to us via a prayer over a friend who stood proxy for us?

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So anyway, after spending a few days since then mulling it over, asking God about it, and then storing it in my brainbox of "undecipherable infertility thingies" I just decided, oh well, if this is God speaking to us, He'll send confirmation of it. Or maybe He means, He'll give us a baby - from Russia! What to make of this? V confusing.

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Bring on Act II. This morning I was reading Max Lucado, from a book called "In The Grip of Grace" and pondering on the words...

“Teacher, we saw someone using your name to force demons out of a person. We told him to stop, because he does not belong to our group.” - Mark 9:38

John has a dilemma. He and the other disciples ran into someone who was doing great work. This man was casting out demons (the very act the disciples had trouble doing in Mark 9:20). He was changing lives. And, what’s more, the man was giving the credit to God. He was doing it in the name of Christ. Everything about him was so right. Right results. Right heart. But there was one problem. He was from the wrong group.

So the disciples did what any able-bodied religious person would do with someone from the wrong group. “We told him to stop, because he does not belong to our group” (v. 38).

John wants to know if they did the right thing. John’s not cocky; he’s confused. So are many people today. What do you do about good things done in another group? What do you do when you like the fruit but not the orchard?

Do you see where this is leading? Mmm. Me too. So there I'm sitting, asking God's forgiveness for being such a prejudiced pharisee, when my phone rings. It's a very good friend of ours phoning to tell me, she was just sitting there painting and talking to God, and she got this strong impression to phone me and tell me something.

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She says, "Char, you know, my son lives in Greytown (where Angus Buchan lives) and we are going to visit him for the long weekend. I believe you should come to Greytown to allow Angus to pray over you and annoint you with oil, so that God can heal you and give you a baby." Oh my goodness! Can you see why I'm a little rattled? Long story short, her son is a member of Angus's worship team, and a meeting with him can be very easily arranged for us.

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So, now what?

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What would you make of this development? I honestly don't know what to make of it. Is this God saying, 'Come Char, let me heal you'? And if so, why would the healing be subject to someone praying over me, laying hands on me and anointing me with oil? Am I being a doubting Thomas? Is God saying, 'Char, this is another step in you learning to trust Me again'?

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It drives me back to the Word for answers. When Jesus healed people, sometimes, He merely spoke and the person was healed. Sometimes He instructed the person to do something in order to be healed. Sometimes He Himself made mud from His own spit and placed it on the person, in order to heal them. I have no doubt that God can heal even lil ol' me. I had just come to the point where, whether or not God healed me, I was ok with it. I was learning, like Paul, to be content in my circumstances. Not complacent, mind! Just content. What I mean is, I was no longer fighting with God over it. I wasn't glaring up into the clouds with clenched fists saying "WHY God? Why?" I was simply learning that God is God, no matter if He never answers another one of my prayers. I was learning that God is not Santa Clause.

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Which brings me back to my dilemma. See, if I submit to this and go to be annointed by this man from a different denomination (which would be a BIG thing for me, by the way!) that would mean that I would have to believe that God wants to heal me. And that would mean that I would have to live with hope again. Hope, people! One of my biggest enemies is hope. Hope can kill you if you're not careful.

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I honestly don't know what to do. Will you pray with me again? Seems this lil blog of mine is turning into more and more a request for prayer than a place of peace for readers. Am I making my problems yours? I have more than enough to go round! haha.

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Oh well... here we go again. Just when I thought I'd hopped off of that roller-coaster, here I am standing in the queue buying double tickets again.

Adoption appointment

I am beyond excited. We have our very first appointment at the Adoption Agency booked, our flights to Johannesburg paid, and we are now playing the waiting game again. So excited. So so excited. This is the first step towards us getting our very own baby. From what I understand, this is a group meeting for all wannabe-adopters. It's sort of an introduction course, if you wish. So, on Wednesday the 15th of May we will take our very first step towards having our first child. Of course, this is consuming my every thought. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering how long it will be until we go to fetch our little one... what I will need to get organized before then... how invasive the approval process will be... what comments they will put on our reports... etc etc... but through it all, there's this effervescent excitement that refuses to be quieted. I. May. Be. A. Mom. Soon. Me!!! A mom!!! ME!
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So excited.
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Of course, I know this won't an easy thing, the adoption process. I also know it won't happen overnight. But right now, I'm just enjoying the enjoyment of it all. When it comes time for me to cross that bridge over troubled waters, I will cross it. Until then, there's just this peace and happiness overriding everything.
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This just might work out for us, after all.
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Yippee!

Of rhino's and rumblings

There we were, calmly chomping on our (vegetarian) hotdogs, dried fruit and nuts, relishing the fresh air and twittering birds, when in the distance we heard what could easily have been mistaken for rolling thunder... Cautiously, we all lifted our eyes to the clear blue sky, wondering where the rumblings were emanating from. It was then that the volume was turned up and the distant rumblings started sounding ominously like that herd of buffalo in Dances with Wolves... All of us who had only minutes previously been picnicing, started twisting our heads this way and that, searching for the source of the noise... and then we saw it! One lone rhinoceros came charging down the hill, rounded a corner and made a bee-line rhino-line straight at us! There, behind him, was one - one! - panicked game keeper running with a twig - a twig!!! - in hand, chasing the rhino and hollering at the top of his lungs! It was when the rhino aimed at our table that the bunch of us I jumped onto my chair in an effort to escape the stampeding beast... and then, the little rhino came to a skidding stop just two short metres from where we were I was perched atop my little chair in my feeble attempt to evade the animal. My shattered nerves, man!

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Turns out the rhino is quite a tame little fella, who likes teasing the tourists. Tell that to my panicked picnic patrons!

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See, on Sabbath, Robin and I took a bunch of the kids from church to a really fun place, called The Lion Park. In retrospect, it was quite funny, me balancing on the picnic chair. Ha ha hardy ha! Robin is still chuckling. The bugger. As for Maxine, the rhinoceros, I think she's having the last laugh, and looking forward to the next bunch of picnicers to panic in her back yard.

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Here's little Ethan (my nephew) keeping Maxi company.

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Signs and wonders

A few things have happened lately that have just re-inforced our decision to adopt... it's amazing that God has sent SO many people our way, who, without even knowing it, have spoken words of encouragement to me and given confirmation to us, that this is really what we should do.
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I used to be one of those people who would always ask God for a sign. Until I read Mark 8 v 12, which says that "He sighed deeply and said, 'Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it.'" I so don't want to be someone who causes Jesus to "sigh deeply"! Imagine that! And that makes me think - imagine if we could see Jesus' every expression! Every thought that we think and every action we do - if immediately we could see Jesus' face before us and know exactly what Jesus' reaction would be. I don't think we'd do half the things we do now.
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But back to my point. I no longer ask Jesus for signs as confirmation that we're following His lead. I have come to the point now, where I believe that if I've asked God for guidance, I should take a step forward in faith, believing that indeed, God will guide. Isn't it encouraging that God has promised that "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1 v 5. Did you notice that there are no clauses placed on that promise? All who ask for wisdom will be given it. Awesome! Another good verse to remind us that God will look after us if we trust Him is found in Proverbs 3 v 5,6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."
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It's been a long road to bring me to the point where I am finally willing to place my trust in God again. I had been fighting with God for so long! I'd forgotten that He trully wants what's best for us. Especially as far as our eternal good is concerned.
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And now I want to share with you just how amazing it's been recently, to place my trust in God again, and how He has rewarded my trust!

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As you know, last year I phoned dozens of adoption agencies and got not a single response from any of them. At the start of this year, once again I phoned and got the same response, i.e. silence and sorries. Then a few weeks ago, I took this whole situation to God in prayer, believing that God did have a plan, and asked Him to open and close doors as He saw fit. I was just so tired of fighting with God over this that I just said to Him: God, what would YOU have me do? Please show me. I am tired of doing this alone and without Your blessing. And, then, the doors started opening!

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In that same week I received the email from Debbie and Brad (lawyers who specialize in adoption from overseas) and from K&S Adoptions (who also specialize in adoption from overseas). Beyond that I bumped into a friend at the mall who told me that she was adopted, and incidentally, she comes from the Eastern European countries herself! I knew she was Eastern European (I think Slovac) but I never knew she was adopted! And then an elderly lady came up to me at church and told me that she was never able to have children, and that she had adopted two beautiful children, and I had never known that either. The same day, another elderly lady came up to me at church and revealed to me that she was an adopted child herself. And if I tell you many more people approached me within days of that incident, I mean handfulls of people all told me, separately and independantly of eachother, that they either had or were adopted. Now, isn't that amazing? It's like God was using all of these God-fearing people to tell me, Char, things are going to be ok!

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The clincher for me though, was this week.

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On Wednesday night Robin and I met up with a really good friend of ours (Joey) for dinner together. She lives in Johannesburg, but was here on business. She asked how it was going with the whole adoption thing etc. I told her what I've just told you. And then she said "When my sister adopted from Russia, she used K and S Adoptions" - the very same agency as what we have made contact with!

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Now tell me this isn't God's handiwork! I just praise God that He's seen fit to reassure me through so many different people that what we're doing is the right thing, for now. I will continue to trust Him through this process. I will not ask Him for signs and wonders, just for His continued blessing. And in the end, God knows best! I can't wait to see what else God is going to do in our lives!

Little Eli

I couldn't resist posting these new pics of little Eli that Channies sent me today. Isn't he just the cutest little thing? Too beautiful!
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Feed me, Seymour!

Robin is my favourite person on planet earth. He spoils me rotten! Just yesterday afternoon he came waltzing into my office with something hidden behind his back and a big grin on his face! He comes and stands right in front of my desk and proclaims that I'll love him forever, because he just bought me something that I'm going to LOVE! My mind starts racing... I'm thinking new diamond ring... or a ticket to go to the theatre... or a pancake smothered in cinnamon and golden syrup...

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What he actually gave me should tell you a lot about the man who stole my heart.

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He gave me a venus fly trap! Hahahaha! And the reason why this is such a great gift, is because I'm always complaining that I've been some mosquito's breakfast.

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So he bought me an Audrey.

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And today I gave Audrey his first meal. One v delicious, squishy, flip-flappy moth. And Audrey relished every last morsel. Not too shabby for a city-dwelling, civilized vegetarian - I've turned into a rather rambunctious hunter. You should see me stalking my prey, fly swat in hand. That moth didn't even see it coming.

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Note how happy Audrey was afterwards! Who knew the simple life could be this rewarding!

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When bad things happen to good people

I've been thinking.

Yes, yes, I know, that's a recipe for disaster.

But I decided it was worth the risk.

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Why is it that we blame God when things go wrong? What I mean is - are we so hard done by, that any misfortune is [mis]construed as some divine retribution for our past behaviour, or lack of it? We are I am so quick to take the credit for the [God-given] blessings, and just as agile at dodging the bullet of self-condemnation and the admonishing prickling of our my conscience.

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There's a time and place for realizing our part in the disaster and I think it's time we started doing just that. And go as far as admitting our absolute inefficiency or inability to save ourselves.

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The problem with us me is that it's all too easy to pass the buck. It's a habit of going Woops! There's a problem... WHY has God allowed this to happen? See what I mean? And even though we may not verbalize it, that thought tumbles around in our heads, eventually resulting in all manner of distrust in the God who really only has the best planned for us. Boy oh boy, is Satan having a field day with us me!

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See that wily old serpent, the devil, has been in this game much longer than you or I. Already in the Garden of Eden he was sowing his seeds of discontent and distrust. He didn't blatantly call God a liar, but he insinuated that God was witholding blessings from mankind - deliberately keeping mankind in a position of man-ness when he claimed that we could be "like God". Notice all the deception in that insinuation. First he inferred that God didn't really want what was best of us. Second, that God was witholding something from them that was much better than what they currently had, i.e. being like God. He even said that if they ate from the tree, they would not really die... And can you believe that man fell for it hook, line and sinker? To this day there is still all this unbiblical theology, widely believed too, about reincarnation, and even that when you die your spirit wafts around, or goes straight to heaven, or to pergatory, or some other weird place, depending on the doctrinal theology of the church with which you worship. The state of the dead is a really interesting study, but not one we're tackling today. Maybe another day we can look into that topic together.

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See, I've lost my point already.

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What I was really trying to say, is that Satan made God out to be some deity that didn't really want what was best for us... Some arbitrary God who is trying to restrict our lifestyles, rather than enhance it. And worse: a God who would withold the truth from us, to keep us in the captivity of deceit.

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And we have grown to believe it.

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The Word says that "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." [James 1 v 17] If we believe God's Word, there's no way we could buy into a theology that says that anything but good could come from God.

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For example cancer. Or infertility. Or an 18-year old dying in a car accident. Whatever it may be. Have you also been the recipient of comments like "everything happens for a reason"? Or "It was God's will". I don't really think the individuals who make those comments have really given any serious thought to what they're saying. Because what they're really saying is that God sent this to the person so that they would (a) learn a lesson; (b) be an example; or (c) be punished for some perpetration. Could you really love a God who would do that all willy-nilly? And at the same time bless others who don't deserve to be blessed?

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This is why I just can't reconcile these two pictures of God. Your opinion may differ, but the God I serve is not One who acts in that way. I serve a God of Love. Everything about Him IS Love.

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The fact that bad happens is... well... bad. But it's the product of our choice. In Eden, I mean. Yes, until Jesus comes to take us home, we have to put up with Satan pulling all sorts of tricks on us. And then he shoves our choices in God's face, saying like he did about Job, that we only worship God because He puts a hedge of protection around us.

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So, why do you really worship God? Because He can protect you? Because He can bless you? And if so, what do you do when you aren't the joyful recipient of such treatment?

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All of this bad stuff, like sickness, death, unhappiness, evil... it all came into the world with sin - which is why Adam and Eve were banished from the tree of life. We all suffer the effects of sin. It is handed down through the generations. It is inescapable. It doesn’t mean that you might have done something really bad and that's why you got cancer, or became infertile, or became a widow, or lost your job, or were falsely accused, or had your belongings stolen, or or or... It all just means that we live in a fallen world and until Jesus comes, this is what we can expect from life on this planet.

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Can God protect us? Yes He can.

Can God heal us? Yes He can.

Can God save us? He already has.

Does He deserve our worship? Without a doubt!

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Sometimes He doesn't protect us / heal us... Sometimes, God works in the midst of the suffering. He does not forsake us, He just uses the bad, along with the good, for the eternal good of those who love Him. [Romans 8 v 28] Sometimes, the bad prompts us to take a look at our circumstances, realize our need of God, and draw even closer to Him. Because, ultimately, He is God, regardless of whether or not you choose to worship Him. He will remain God, whether or not you choose to worship Him.

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But worshiping Him brings peace. Don't mistake peace for protection from sin and it's results. He allows us to make our own decisions. As much as He has to respect my decision to choose Him or reject Him, He also has to respect the choice of the murderer, thief, rapist... And that is why, until the Heavens open and Jesus comes on the clouds of glory, with thousands and tens of thousands of angels, and with the trumpet sounding and lightning flashing from the east to the west, and the graves opening and every single eye seeing Him - until then, bad things will still happen.

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Are you going to allow those bad things to destroy your relationship with the One who is building your house right now, in Heaven? Or are you going to choose to draw even closer to the God who lay aside His crown, put on humanity and died to save you?

Love Letters from the past

Yesterday I had one of the best conversations I've had in many years. It was an online one, and with one of my very old ex's... The reason it was so good? Well... I couldn't even really tell you. As we chatted, the memories came flooding back...

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He was my very first boyfriend ever. You know - the cutest guy at school, the type that always has a long line of girls just waiting for an opportunity to grab him. I was head over heels, knees and noses in love with him. He just had to smile at me, and I was like putty. We would pass each other in the hallways and I would lose my ability to think, leave alone talk. I always knew when he was nearby. I could feel him nearby. It was glorious! Heart-pouding-hands-sweating-skin-tingling-life-changingly fabulous, darling. I remember the anticipation... waiting for the school bell to ring, so that I just might see him in the hallways. We eventually progressed from shy smiles at eachother to actually writing eachother love letters. I found my box of letters just the other day. They still smelled of the deo he had sprayed on them. The minute I opened that box I remembered those school days of how I would walk around with his letter stashed in my blazer pocket, impatiently waiting for the school day to end, so I could get home and carefuly slit open the letter. It was as much the knowledge of holding something that he had actually held, and smelling something he had actually smelled (and sprayed), as reading the words that he had written and the anticipation of did he end the letter with "From"... or "Love"...? It was all that, and more. It was a love so pure and precious. It was My First Love. He was my very first boyfriend. He would also be my third, fourth, sixth, eighth and more. We had a few break-ups and make-ups. But never a "I want to break up with you." He would just move on and find someone else. And I would wait. For him. It was always only him, for me. I wanted no other. Although I did have a few other boyfriends... They just weren't him.

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The irony of it, is that my undying love for him rubbed off on one of my best friends. Who subsequently married him. At the time I was murderously jealous quite upset. It just didn't seem right. I was angry and heart-broken and jealous and heart-broken and...

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And then do you know what I did? The same thing as my friend who had married the man I loved. Hahaha! Well, not immediately after. A few years later.

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Long story made short: Robin used to date a girl who was my friend. I introduced them. About a year after they broke up, Robin and I got together, and within two weeks of us getting together we had decided this was it. We were meant for eachother and had to spend the rest of our lives together. Praise God it actually worked out for us!

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In retrospect everything worked out just right. I have my knight-in-shining-armour. He is perfect for me. Do I think it could have worked out with My First love? Of course! That's the whole point of having had that first puppy love anyway. But, I have My Mr Right. And I wouldn't change him for the world.

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It was a FANTASTIC trip down Memory Lane, by the way. I was once told that we don't remember the things a person did or said, as much as we remember they way they made us feel. V true.

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I'm so blessed to have had (at least) two men in my life who made me feel fabulous. And I praise God for them. And now I have My One, who I get to keep for life. Aren't I just spoiled rotten?

Worth pondering

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deers feet,
And he will make me walk on my high hills”
Habakkuk 3:17-19
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I couldn't have said it better! No matter what happens, God is still worthy of my worship!

I feel good!

I can't explain it any other way than peace. I'm really at peace with our decision to adopt. It's like there's suddenly this knowledge that it's all going to work out right.

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Usually I have to try really hard not to be one of those people who base decisions on feelings. See, things don't normally need to make sense to me, in order for me to do something. It just has to feel right. Well, my stint in infertility has forced me to be more careful. I've had to watch watch watch... Watch everything that I eat - no more emotional eating. I've had to watch everything I drink - no more cappuccino's all day every day. I've had to watch my spending - fertility treatments steal all your bucks - so no more shopping sprees. Watch watch watch. Be careful.

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And now that we're adopting, suddenly I feel less frivolous. I'm going to be a mom sometime soon (hopefully!) and that means I have to be more responsible now. Less doing as I please. More planning. More patience. More parent-style behaviour.

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And it feels BRILLIANT! Finally, something in this JTBP (journey to becoming parents) feels right! Maybe I'm cut out for this, after all. Who'd have thunk it?

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P.S. Thanks for all the great ideas for celebrating my birthday, guys. Please forgive me if you get sprayed with the sarcasm dripping from that statement. Just kidding. I guess, I'm the only one that's really that excited about it being my birthday soon. Granted, even I don't jump with joy when a birthday is looming. Love the presents, of course. Growing to dislike all the fuss though. When did the sparkles die on my birthdays? I must be getting old.

D-Days and B-days

I will be thirty two twenty seven in two weeks time today. Wow. That's like, really old, dude! Ugghhh... That must mean I am now officially a grown-up. When did that happen? Last I looked I was still a spring chicken.
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Well, thirty two twenty seven was our "D-Day" for having had all of our four or seven children. We've always wanted as many children as we can afford. Nobody told us having even ONE would be so expensive! haha. Oh well... sic vita. Here we are. Old fossils without kids.
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Funny how life doesn't always work out how you planned it.
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Another Bday without a bub. But, you can bet your behind, I'm gonna have fun. This might be my last Bday as just plain Char. Next year I might be Mommy to a little someone! Yippee! So, I've decided I'm going to celebrate my thirty second twenty seventh birthday in style this year. So, does anyone have any ideas? Send away. I'm going all out.
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Forget D-Days. This is going to be the B-day of all B-days.

The adoption option

I am so excited to have received my VERY FIRST positive response from my queries about adopting a baby (hopefully BABIES) from overseas. Robin walked in as I was opening the email, and when I shared with him that I'd had a response from a local CHRISTIAN husband and wife lawyer team who specialize in inter-country adoptions I had to struggle to keep my tears in check. I just praise God that finally we are getting some answers and from someone in His camp too.

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This is clearly going to be a very long road to walk, but I am just so relieved that God has sent someone to help, who loves Him too. And who actually does this for a living. Aaand who knows what they're talking about.

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Praise God! Please will you guys join us in praying that He keeps His finger in our pie? Debbie (that's the name of the lawyer lady, by the way) sent me a bunch of documents to read through, but the one that impressed me the most is their Prayer Plan. In it Debbie and Brad (her hubby) had placed some texts... I never even knew those texts existed! Listen to this:

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named" Ephesians 3 v 14 - 15 [NKJV]

Did you get that part? "From whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named" So, basically, Jesus names the families, or creates them. Remember, from His word, the whole of heaven and earth came into being... including families! He spoke and it was so. So, that must mean that He can speak our family into being too? Surely? Talk about hanging on every word that proceeds from His mouth! But isn't that just so reassuring? I am so excited!

"God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing..." Psalms 68 v 6 [NIV]

So, it is God who chooses the families for those lonely little orphans, and leads the prisoners [even of infertility] forth with singing. Imagine how He rejoices with the new parents when those little ones are accepted into the loving arms of their new families! God must have very specific little children in mind for Robin and I. I am so excited!

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And it also tells me more about the character of the God who created and redeemed us. In the same way as what Robin and I desire the adoption of children into our lives, that is how eagerly Christ is waiting for us to accept His invitation to become heirs of the Kingdom of Heaven and to give us the right to call God our Father...

"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father." Romans 8 v 14 - 16 [NKJV]

Wow! Isn't that incredible? God knows exactly what we're going through! Suddenly it feels like we're not alone in this anymore. Wow.

Zzzzzz....

I slept last night. Full stop.

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I drifted off to sleep during American Idol and that should tell you something. I. Never. Miss. An. Episode. Of. American. Idol. Ever.

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I was in bed by 20h30 and never stirred again until 07h15 this morning. Eleven full hours of sleep. Glorious! If you're wondering why this sounds suspiciously like an accomplishment, it's because it is, for me. It's been about four or five weeks of watching the clock tick until about 01h24 in the morning, popping a sleeping pill out of pure desperation, then struggling to wake up the next morning, because the pill hasn't worn off yet. [I wonder if going cold turkey on the cappuccino's a few weeks ago doesn't have something to do with the insomnia?]

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This morning there are actually birds chirping outside. And when I blink it doesn't take a few seconds for the world to come back into focus again.

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Shucks, this sleep thing is a wonderful invention. I should have tried it weeks ago!

I have it good!

I have just realized just how darn good I have it. Life, that is. I have a brilliant life! I am very happily married to an amazing man who loves me in spite of me being me. I am surrounded by fab friends and family. I love our home. We have no money worries, really. I love my job. I am very talented in two areas, and satisfyingly untalented in others (like ball skills). The only glitch in my otherwise fab life is this infertility thing. And really - that's not life threatening! And it's beat-able. So, what am I so upset about? There are solutions to this thing. So, I've decided to lift my lip off of it's spot where it's dragging on the floor, pull up my socks and cheer up. No more navel-gazing for me. I won't be sending out any more invitations to my pity party. Consider the party indefinitely postponed.

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See, I was catching up on some of my blog-reading. Like you, I love reading people's blogs. And I just read that one of the bloggers I read regularly has been diagnosed with brain cancer, and given about 3 years to live. And guess what her reaction is?

I know that glioma is cancer. I know that it is treated with neurosurgery to remove the tumor, and radiation and chemo. I know that I am scared completely out of my mind right now, for me- my family- but mostly my precious children. The things that go through your head when you are told something like this will bring a mother to her knees. I dont want to miss out on their lives.

I also know that I serve an amazing God who is the master physician- and I trust his perfect hands.

I also believe in the same God she does. I also believe that He is the master physician. The difference between Especially Heather and me is that she already trusts His perfect hands. I'm still learning how. I remember that He has a perfect plan for me to find happiness in Him [Jer 29 v 11,13]... I just need to believe it again.

Hurry up and wait

This is the story of my life, I think. Hurry up! and then wait...

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First it was the donor eggs and IVF story and having to wait till the 15th of May for my first appointment. I must admit though, that those doctors who do the treatment look seriously dodgy! I looked at their website and although it's all pretty much above board, and even though they are well-renown, etc. they still look dodgy to me. I would post a link to their website, but I don't want a lawyer beating down my door for slander. So, let's just leave it at Dodgy Docs.

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And now it's the adoption thingy too. The one South African agency that I've found that does adoptions from Russia just emailed me to say that their international adoptions department is currently on hold. They will only be re-opening it at the end of April. Grrrreat. But why would their international adoptions be on hold? What does that mean? Are they on holiday or what? Don't they know there are some seriously desperate serious wannabe-adopters out there? Like me. I am a seriously desperate serious wannabe-adopter. I wannababynow!

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Uggghhhhh... I was never any good at waiting. And now I get to specialise in it.

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo

The last time I shared with you about our JTBP (Journey To Becoming Parents), we had decided to do the whole donor eggs story remember? Well, while I've been waiting for The Big Day (15 May) of my appointment at the fertility specialists, I've been simultaneously investigating adoption from Russia. I'm still humming and haa-ing sitting on the fence investigating both, you see. Both options are very time-consuming and big black holes for our hard-earned dosh.

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It must be difficult for you very fertile women to understand the desperation us infertiles feel. It's quite unlike anything I've ever had to face before, because it's not something we can deal with, lay to rest and carry on with life, with our neatly-labelled-infertility bottled and stashed in the pantry, never to be opened again. As regularly (or irregularly) as our cycle comes around, that's as regularly (or irregularly) as we get to face those same demons all over again. Those doubts that God really loves me, because surely if He did, He would answer my prayers! The inability to see beyond the pain. The absolute despondency and the growing hatred of the body you're stuck in. Every available resource that would enable us infertiles to have a child of our own is bloody very expensive. Whether you go through the whole fertility treatment rigmarole, or adopt from some far-flung country, it's all going to steal all our savings. What comes so easily to you, will never be an option for me.

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And it makes deciding what to do with our meager savings quite a tough decision. Because we can either adopt from Russia (a sure thing, with a definite happy ending and resulting in an empty savings account) or try IVF (and maybe stand a miniscule chance at having a child that carries our genes and still empty our savings account). The one has a definite happy ending, the other a big fat question mark. But both leave us dirt poor! haha.

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For me, the money makes no difference. We've lived with little before, and I'll happily live with little again, if it means that I'll be clutching a baby all my very own in my arms. What does make a difference though, is which option will give us a good return on our investment! haha! Because, once the money is gone, it's gone. Ga. Oh. Nn. Eh. Gone. And that leaves us with NO options for our next "try" at becoming parents.

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So what should we do? Help! We need some help in this decision!

Being home...

There are a few things I love about coming home after some time away. If you're like me, then these are probably on the top of your list too!

1. This is my favourite thing about coming home again: being able to SIT on my loo again. I have this aversion to public amenities! My extraordinarily overactive imagination conjures up all sorts of horrific images of grotesque germs lying in wait on every surface of the toilet, flush, doorhandles and taps. I even cringe at the prospect of breathing in the contaminated air in there! Don't even get me started telling you how horrendous it is trying to do a number two, while hovering over the receptacle. It's literally like trying to bomb Pearl Harbour - invading enemy territory and all that... So, arriving home to my spiffy, sparkling, sterile, sanitary loo (with only my friendly germs on it!) is like finding Heaven on Earth after wondering through Hades for an eternity. (I don't believe in Hell, so pardon the analogy) I get to remove my gas mask and plastic surgical gloves and stash away my germ-destroying hand cleaner and enjoy my sweet smelling soap and fluffy towels again. BLISS!
2. My second most-favourite thing about coming home again is the reunion with my kitty! She smothers me with love all through the night, purring and flitting her little whiskers over my nose and parading past my pillow, draping herself over my shoulders, drooling my bedding quite wet. It's FANTASTIC!
3. Having a working fridge.
4. Showering without slip-slops on.
5. Knowing exactly where all my things are, all the time, and not having to unpack the entire cupboard to get to them.
6. Not smelling like fire smoke.
7. Being warm.

But all of these things are overshadowed by knowing it will be months before we get to see all our friends again. I miss you guys already. Can't believe it was only yesterday that we were all together.

One day, we'll never have to say goodbye again.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 1 Thessalonians 4 v 16-17 (NIV)

I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. John 14 v 1-3 (NKJV)

I can't wait for us to go to our proper Home! No more goodbyes! (Or germ-infested public bathrooms!) And an eternity with Jesus. Now that's what I call coming home.

Click here to see some pics of the weekend.

Baby at 65

Why I don't want to be an old fart fossil when I become a mom one day. My memory's shot now already!!! Can you imagine then? tee hee...

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BABY AT 65
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
'May we see the new baby?" one asked.
'Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When he cries!" she told them.
"When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM…. O.K.?"

Hey ho the merrio, a-camping we will go!

We are going camping this weekend. My hubby is beside himself with excitement. He has already moved the caravan from it's usual resting place to just beside our pool and is popping up the lid so that I can start packing. Note: I can start packing.
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Caravaning is LOADS of fun for men. What do they have to do? Hitch the caravan, drive it to said destination, unhook the caravan, level the caravan, plug in the electricity, and wa-la. A-caravaning-we-went.
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For women it's quite a different story. The packing for a weekend begins with an hour or so spent putting together the "packing list". I've become quite clever now. I have the list on my p.c. and when a caravaning weekend is looming, I hit print and Bob's your uncle. Then the fun begins. Hundreds Thousands of trips back and forth from the house to the caravan, weilding all manner of items that must go with. I usually start with the clothes and underwear. Then it used to be the toiletries. I've become quite clever now (as I mentioned before)... I have one set of toiletries that stay in the house, and another complete set that stays in the caravan, so now I don't even have to worry about toiletries anymore. 'n Boer maak 'n plan. Then it's the food. Now this is where it gets tricky. Oh the food. I used to go grocery shopping, unpack all the groceries into the caravan item by item, in groups of similarity, i.e. coffee, tea, sugar and long-life milk together; condiments together, etc. You get the picture. Until we arrived at our destination once after a particularly bumpy trip and found everything piled on top of eachother in one heap in the bottom corner of the grocery cupboard. We ate soggy buns for the remainder of the weekend. Not fun. So now, I do the grocery shopping, and stash the packets as is into the cupboard, taking care to seal each packet at the top... and then unpack the packets item by item, in groups of similarity, warra warra fish paste, when we get there.

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Of course, once the men have finished setting up camp (all of two minutes later!), they put up their feet and say "What's for supper?"

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Oh, the joys of camping. No wonder men love it.

Funerals and invitations

There's something about funerals that puts things back into perspective.

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Today I played the piano for the funeral of a dear old man at church, who was as familiar as the furniture. Not a Sabbath passed without him walking up to me, grabbing my hand, shaking it firmly and saying "Hello Charmaine! How are you today?" and not in that flippant "how are you" fashion that pre-empts the routine "fine" type answer, but in a genuine "how are you really doing?" kind of way. This tall slender old man really cared. And not just about me, but about every single person who crossed that threshold (and those who didn't). He's left some mighty big shoes to fill. Now, who's going to be the big ol "Uncle Dan" at church?

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And it made me think - how many times didn't I walk a circle around him (or anyone else for that matter) because he might take a moment longer than I was willing to share, because I had something much more important (read "selfish") to do. Wow. What a selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, self-interested, self-seeking person I am!

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself [Philippians 2 v 3 NKJV]

So many people wanted to stand up today and say something about ol' Uncle Dan when the opportunity was presented them. And I hid sat behind the piano wondering "What will people have to say about me one day when they plant me?" (See? Ever the selfish one! - even his obituary became about ME! ME! ME!) Boy oh boy, God has a lot of work to do in me still... When I die one day, what seeds will I have left behind? How have I influenced people? Do people know that I love Jesus? Is it evident? Are they attracted to Jesus because of how I show Him to be? Am I a poor advert for christianity?

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What is the point of this infertility thing, if it doesn't teach me to reach out to God and to grasp His hand more firmly? I so don't deserve the grace He has offered me. And that just makes it all the more graceful to be given it. Two thousand years before I was even a twinkle in my parents' eyes, Jesus had me in mind when He was on the cross. And you. Jesus had you in mind too. The same hand that stretched out to be nailed on that cross, reaches out to you and me every day. An endless invitation to become His.

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Ol' Uncle Dan was His. I want to be too!

Lost in Translation

Just had a cuppa ginger tea. Yummy! Almost killed myself laughing choking on said tea, when I noticed the text on the teabag wrapper.

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Pragrant Tea valuabl gift. Now you all know what you're getting for Christmas.

My new fave read

You all have to read this blog. So so funny.
Go. Now.

Sleeping pills, Cappuccinos and One Baby Please

Sleep? Who needs sleep? If I slept more than three hours last night, then that's a lot! Put me on the couch, watching a really good show, and I'm asleep before you can say Tom-Welling-could-leave-his-toothbrush-in-my-bathroom-cabinet-any-day.

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Instant Insomniac. Just add bed.

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That's me. My mistake last night was waiting until about 01h30 before I popped a sleeping pill. So, today, I'm like Mr Bean with the toothpics holding up his eyelids... But yippee! It's Monday, and that means I get to have my 1 x cappuccino (my beloveds!!!) per week. Bliss.

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Some other news.

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Robin and I are not happy to live our life without children in it. So, we are exploring new options. One of them being... wait for it... donor eggs! Anybody want to share your eggs with me? haha. Just kidding. I have made an appointment with a NEW doctor at a clinic here in Westville, about three minutes from my home / office... but the earliest appointment they could give me is 15 May, so once again, we are playing The Waiting Game. Nothing new. Anyway, depending on what this doc says, we will either proceed with the I.V.F. (I never in a million years thought I'd be willing to go the I.V.F. route! Just shows where desperation will lead you!) or we will forget the whole "have our own baby" thing, and start adoption proceedings from Russia. Both options are very expensive (tens of thousands of rands per try!) but what's another couple thousand in the deep pond of our baby-making-spendings? So, here we go again. One rocky rollercoaster road please. With sprinkles.

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Aren't you all getting sick and tired of reading about our mis-conceptions? I know I am. That's one of the reasons why I so badly want to take a shortcut now and just adopt! Less hormones, less stress... Less is more!

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Here we go again.