Thursday, 26 April 2007

Unrealistic expectations?

Now, I know this adoption thing is going to be one big fat party. Not... but I think I'm beginning to have unrealistic expectations. Mmmm... I dream of boarding the plane to fetch my little one from Russia, and there being no problems at customs, no delayed flights, lots of spending money, a taxi driver waiting at airport with "new mommy and daddy" written on his little hold-up-name-board-thingy, a five star hotel complete with freshly arranged flowers, mints on the pillow and freshly brewed coffee the next morning, of walking into the orphanage and my little one holding out his/her arms and snuggling into my embrace, looking up at me with enormous adoring and trusting eyes and saying "Mama!" Mmm...
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I guess I might need to start preparing myself for the reality and not the dream. After all, if dreams were to come true, I'd already have my brood of seven. So, things don't always turn out as expected. Point taken.
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But, here's something for all of you thinkers out there to munch on. So, we've been praying long and hard and long for a baby. Recently, as you know, my prayers evolved a bit to be more "inclusive", i.e. for a baby from anyone to call my own, and not necessarily one that pops from me. So I thought I was making some progress. Moving on, and all of that. So, what do you make of this development?
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On Sunday we awoke to a very interesting sms from a good friend of ours. He attended an Angus Buchan retreat. For those of you who don't know Angus Buchan, the book and movie "Faith like Potatoes" is the story written by him, based on his story. An autobiography of sorts. Excellent book, by the way. Anyway, he's this amazing, dynamic speaker, but more importantly, he's a man of God and lives to bring others to Christ. Angus Buchan has become reknown for his ministry specifically related to couples who cannot conceive. He prays over them, and wa-la! Preggy within months. One of our close friends, Dale, knows this for sure, because his sister was one of them. So, anyway, our friend Ryan attended these meetings. When Angus asked for couples to come forward who were struggling to conceive, Ryan went forward and stood in for us, as our proxy. Thus the very interesting sms he sent us. His sms read something like this:

Great news guys! Just been to Angus Buchan seminar. Stood proxy for you re conception probs. You guys will have baby soon.

Mmm... If you're anything like me, you're v skeptical. I never used to be, but call me cautious for being given so much "bad advice" in our various ridiculous attempts at falling pregnant. Five years of "you guys should try this stuff - it really works!" and "maybe you should go see this doctor, my uncle's step-daughter's cousin's wife tried and it worked" yadda yadda yadda and you'll probably also turn into a cynic. And besides, even though I read the book Mr Buchan wrote, and enjoyed it very much, he's from a different denomination to me and so I read it with a pinch of salt. Oh, how much of a pharisee am I? Please God, work in me and make me more like You!
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But I'm really trying to follow God's lead, you see. I want to be completely open to HIS suggestions. So, what if - just what if - this is God's voice speaking to us via a prayer over a friend who stood proxy for us?
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So anyway, after spending a few days since then mulling it over, asking God about it, and then storing it in my brainbox of "undecipherable infertility thingies" I just decided, oh well, if this is God speaking to us, He'll send confirmation of it. Or maybe He means, He'll give us a baby - from Russia! What to make of this? V confusing.
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Bring on Act II. This morning I was reading Max Lucado, from a book called "In The Grip of Grace" and pondering on the words...

“Teacher, we saw someone using your name to force demons out of a person. We told him to stop, because he does not belong to our group.” - Mark 9:38

John has a dilemma. He and the other disciples ran into someone who was doing great work. This man was casting out demons (the very act the disciples had trouble doing in Mark 9:20). He was changing lives. And, what’s more, the man was giving the credit to God. He was doing it in the name of Christ. Everything about him was so right. Right results. Right heart. But there was one problem. He was from the wrong group.

So the disciples did what any able-bodied religious person would do with someone from the wrong group. “We told him to stop, because he does not belong to our group” (v. 38).

John wants to know if they did the right thing. John’s not cocky; he’s confused. So are many people today. What do you do about good things done in another group? What do you do when you like the fruit but not the orchard?

Do you see where this is leading? Mmm. Me too. So there I'm sitting, asking God's forgiveness for being such a prejudiced pharisee, when my phone rings. It's a very good friend of ours phoning to tell me, she was just sitting there painting and talking to God, and she got this strong impression to phone me and tell me something.
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She says, "Char, you know, my son lives in Greytown (where Angus Buchan lives) and we are going to visit him for the long weekend. I believe you should come to Greytown to allow Angus to pray over you and annoint you with oil, so that God can heal you and give you a baby." Oh my goodness! Can you see why I'm a little rattled? Long story short, her son is a member of Angus's worship team, and a meeting with him can be very easily arranged for us.
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So, now what?
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What would you make of this development? I honestly don't know what to make of it. Is this God saying, 'Come Char, let me heal you'? And if so, why would the healing be subject to someone praying over me, laying hands on me and anointing me with oil? Am I being a doubting Thomas? Is God saying, 'Char, this is another step in you learning to trust Me again'?
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It drives me back to the Word for answers. When Jesus healed people, sometimes, He merely spoke and the person was healed. Sometimes He instructed the person to do something in order to be healed. Sometimes He Himself made mud from His own spit and placed it on the person, in order to heal them. I have no doubt that God can heal even lil ol' me. I had just come to the point where, whether or not God healed me, I was ok with it. I was learning, like Paul, to be content in my circumstances. Not complacent, mind! Just content. What I mean is, I was no longer fighting with God over it. I wasn't glaring up into the clouds with clenched fists saying "WHY God? Why?" I was simply learning that God is God, no matter if He never answers another one of my prayers. I was learning that God is not Santa Clause.
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Which brings me back to my dilemma. See, if I submit to this and go to be annointed by this man from a different denomination (which would be a BIG thing for me, by the way!) that would mean that I would have to believe that God wants to heal me. And that would mean that I would have to live with hope again. Hope, people! One of my biggest enemies is hope. Hope can kill you if you're not careful.
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I honestly don't know what to do. Will you pray with me again? Seems this lil blog of mine is turning into more and more a request for prayer than a place of peace for readers. Am I making my problems yours? I have more than enough to go round! haha.
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Oh well... here we go again. Just when I thought I'd hopped off of that roller-coaster, here I am standing in the queue buying double tickets again.


1 comment:

Lisa writes... said...

I will gladly pray for you...that God would grant you wisdom and direction and peace. As you take your requests to Him, may you know His peace that passes all understanding! He promises that those who seek HIM with ALL their heart will find HIM. How I hope He will grant you the desire of your heart--to be a mom--but I know that the far greater reward is HIMSELF. As He told Abraham (Gen. 15 I think), "I am your very great reward." Believe Him, sister, and hope in Him...

Thanks for stopping by my site!
Blessings,
Lisa