Bean Soup for the Soul

There are certain measures I take to protect my healing broken-heart. One of them is deciding to cut myself some slack. Let me explain...

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Today is one of my friend's surprise stork parties. All the women in my family, as well as other girl friends I know, are there right now. But I'm not. I decided not to go. I don't trust myself enough yet, to go and sit there in their presence, while they ooh and ahh over things that literally make me feel broken. I love my friend that's pregnant, and I'm happy for her that she will be a mom soon. But I just can't be there right now. I'm healing, you see. Being there today would be like me ripping off the freshly formed scabs on a very deep cut. I need some more time before I'll trust myself to go to another stork party. I really hope she's not offended because I didn't go. But, then again, oh well. I'm not going to sit here feeing bad because I didn't go. Then I could just as well go and still feel bad. So, I might as well stay home and feel bad ... lick my wounds ... relax without anyone watching me ... enjoy my time blogging.

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So, I've cut myself some slack. I've saved myself going there and being asked "When do we get to throw you a stork party?" I've also saved myself the forced smiles, the awkwardness they feel around me. The feeling that, as much as I try not to be The Wet Blanket, everyone still breathes a collective sigh of relief that they don't need to spare my feelings anymore.

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And that's OK. Because I'm much happier this way. I bought my friend a gift, but I overslept this morning and didn't give it to my family in time for them to take it with them to the party. So much for my best intentions.

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So, that's my day. It comes with the territory, and I should be used to it by now. I must admit, it really does get easier. This is how the rest of my life will probably be, so if this is it, well, then that's that. And accepting it has given me permission to say to myself, Char, forget about social responsibilities. Nobody there has walked in your shoes. You give yourself as much space as you need. They don't need me there for it to be a successful party. (As much as I would love to think that! haha!) So, rather keep your heart in tact.

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And that's why I'm home blogging and they're out celebrating.

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And that's also why they're going to eat lots of cake and get fat, while I'm going to eat my beans and get thin. Haha. Just kidding.