Searching

I re-read yesterday morning's post and it made me realize something.

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Joseph and Mary lost Jesus. When they took Jesus to the temple for Passover, in their haste to leave Jerusalem afterwards and go back home, they didn't notice that they'd left Jesus, The Child entrusted to them, behind. One of my favourite books, The Desire of Ages, mentions that event. And I quote semi-paraphrasedly from page 83:-

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"If Joseph and Mary had kept their minds on God through meditation and prayer, they would have realized the sacredness of their trust, and wouldn't have lost sight of Jesus. But by one day's neglect they lost the Saviour; and it cost them three days of anxious search to find Him. So it is with us: through idle talk, evil-speaking, or neglect of prayer, we may in one day lose the Saviour's presence, and it may take many days of sorrowful search to find Him, and regain the peace that we have lost."

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And I'm wondering if my frantic search yesterday wasn't a precursor to God teaching me this valuable lesson. As wildly as I was searching for that scan, that is as passionately as I should be seeking God's presence! I need Him in my life. How can I neglect Him, and still expect to live peace-fully? I break up the word 'peacefully' deliberately, by the way. Peace. Fully.

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Yes, I need Him in my life. Not to be a santa clause or my genie in a bottle. But because He is The Source of Peace. He died specifically for that purpose. To give me peace beyond my circumstances.

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Remember, Joseph and Mary lost Jesus. THE Joseph and Mary, mind you. Not just any old Jo Soap or Mary Mary Quite Contrary. If even THE Mr Joseph and Mrs Mary could lose Jesus, so can you and I. But there's hope in this story. Because if, after three days of sorrowful searching, they found Jesus again, so can you and I!

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And of course, to make matters all the more interesting now, there's this Maybe Baby. People, there is no way to describe what this feels like. It's like finding water in the desert. Only, it's like you're tied to a palm tree and the water is one arm's length beyond your reach. And it makes me realize, yet again, that we are so piddly and powerless to alter our own circumstances. We really need God's intervention, in every aspect of the word.

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It's very hard to say "what will be will be" or "Your will be done" and to really mean it. It's even harder to accept that your dream for the future lies in the hands of someone who doesn't even know you. Some social worker somewhere who hasn't even met me, gets to decide if I am good enough to parent this baby. That's the small picture.

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The big picture is vastly different. I believe in a God who cares about every single one of us, and who has our eternal life in mind. And He really does know what's best. How can I ask Him to guide me, then throw a tantrum when things don't go my way? How can I ask for His will to be done, then when His will is different from mine, I turn my back on Him and go about things my way?

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I know what sorrowful searching is all about. Right now I am seeking His presence and His will. Of course I would love to throw a tantrum and raise my fist in anger when things don't work out the way I want them to, but praise God, there's grace to be found in the God that created and saved us.

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" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future... And you will seek for Me and find Me when you seek for Me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29 v 11, 13.

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Anybody want to join me in the search?

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P.S. I am going to post below a copy of the email I sent to my closest friends and family, sharing exactly what I know about this baby. Please pray with me about this? Thank you.

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Hello everyone! Thank you so much for all of your sms's, emails, phonecalls etc. I promised to keep you up to speed. So I'm emailing you all now so that you all know what I know. Please don't keep asking me if I know anything further - I promise I will keep you up to date. This is an enormous emotional uphill battle which has only just begun. How can I already be this exhausted so early??? Robin and I are determined to stay level-headed about it and to keep placing our desires before God's throne and asking His will to be done.
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Anyway, now for what's going on. I've spoken to my friend who is our contact to the family some more... and things have been complicated by a few things... it's such a long story, so this is the short version:-

• The family that adopted the first child has first option.
• The granny adopted the second child.
• The granny cannot afford to adopt the third one.
• The family that adopted the first child wants the third, but only if it's not a "foster first, then maybe you get to adopt the baby later" situation. Which makes perfect sense.
• We are not known by the social workers, which puts us in a precarious situation where they probably won't consider us.
• The social workers have yet to remove the child from where it is.
• The parents of the baby are druggies.
• Therefore the baby is probably a crack baby.
• They live in someone's back yard in a room.
• The mother of the child is (quote): "A standard five child." I don't know if that means she's a semi-adult with only a std 5 education, or if she's literally a child still herself.
• The social welfare department wants to try to rehabilitate the parents of the baby and restore the family unit.
• The granny wants an "open adoption" situation where she can still know the child.
• We want a closed adoption, where there is never an option that the baby will be snatched from us and returned to a potentially-abusive situation.

So, now you know what we know. I know these statements above will prompt another fifty two million questions from you guys, but at the moment I don't have answers. So please please don't ask me more questions. I am asking those same questions and I don't have answers. So I promise we will keep you all informed.
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The chances of us getting the baby are very slim. But I believe in a God who created the universe and who can take slim chances and make huge fat promises from them.
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I am not asking God for this child. I am asking for His will to be done for us. He knows that Robin and I are (finally!) willing to follow wherever He leads. We have laid our dreams at His feet and will accept whatever His answer is. He is God. I need to trust Him.
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So there you go. Please keep lifting us up to God in prayer. And ask God to help us cope with whatever His will is and to give us clear direction.
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Thanks for praying with us and for caring! God knew what He was doing when He gave us you as friends and family.