...of sheer panic this morning. I awoke and suddenly realized I didn't know where it was.
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There's this thing that keeps me semi-sane, a reminder of a whimsical time in my life. A time when dreams came true and when my future looked sparkly and bright. And suddenly this morning I realized that I didn't know where it was...
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I spent most of my morning searching for it. Frantically pulling books off of the shelf, rifling through their pages and tossing the rejected books to the floor. Clambering up cupboards and pulling down dusty boxes that haven't seen the sunlight since we moved in.
I spent most of my morning searching for it. Frantically pulling books off of the shelf, rifling through their pages and tossing the rejected books to the floor. Clambering up cupboards and pulling down dusty boxes that haven't seen the sunlight since we moved in.
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To my rescue, I came accross The Box. Not exactly the item I was searching for, but it calmed my frantically beating heart... No, it wasn't the neatly-folded printout of the scan that broke my heart all those months ago. The proof that Jodi-Lee actually existed. Proof that once-upon-a-time there really was a little life growing inside of me. But it would have to do.
To my rescue, I came accross The Box. Not exactly the item I was searching for, but it calmed my frantically beating heart... No, it wasn't the neatly-folded printout of the scan that broke my heart all those months ago. The proof that Jodi-Lee actually existed. Proof that once-upon-a-time there really was a little life growing inside of me. But it would have to do.
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Seated on the edge of my bed, I carefully unpacked the box and allowed my fingers to run over the few items stashed inside of it.
Seated on the edge of my bed, I carefully unpacked the box and allowed my fingers to run over the few items stashed inside of it.
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There aren't many things in that box, because, cautioned by others who fully expected the pregnancy to end, I didn't buy a nursery-full of little baby things. Instead, I reservedly allowed myself the luxury of meandering through the previously-dreaded-and-avoided baby departments ... you know - the places where women with dreamy expressions and the hands hugging their still-flat bellies hang out. You can easily pick out the first-time moms. That glow that overrides their morning-sickness and the warmth and happiness oozing from them as they pick up this item and that, happiness overriding indecision, pushing a trolley loaded with yellow, green and white items.
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I wasn't one of those women. My ecstacy was tempered by loving friends and family who cautioned me to just be careful, until the first trimester had passed.
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But I did buy a few things. And I'm so glad I did. A teeny tiny box of hand-picked things for the baby I would never get to hold in my arms. And this morning they rescued me.
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Jodi-lee really did exist!
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